Joke of the day

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  • Renegade

    Well-Known Member
    Rating - 100%
    8   0   0
    Apr 1, 2010
    1,786
    38
    Red Stick
    487885996_1314cf0c79.jpg
     

    charliepapa

    Clandestine Sciuridae
    Rating - 100%
    130   0   0
    Jul 12, 2009
    6,155
    38
    Prairieville
    A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology, which was explaining the phenomenon of "Mixed Emotions". The husband turned to his wife and said, "That's a bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time."

    Without missing a beat she said: "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick." :D
     

    Snookie

    *Banned*
    Rating - 100%
    42   0   0
    May 24, 2009
    3,031
    38
    Lizzard Creek/ Springfield,La.
    A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology, which was explaining the phenomenon of "Mixed Emotions". The husband turned to his wife and said, "That's a bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time."

    Without missing a beat she said: "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick." :D

    Holy Batsh*t Batman
    That's a sad thing to discover!

    bigdick.jpg
     

    Yrdawg

    *Banned*
    Rating - 0%
    0   0   0
    Sep 24, 2006
    8,386
    36
    Big Woods
    Really sad if he believes her...whens the last time a guy heard his wasn't special...

    At least as long as he was the dude de jour
     

    LACamper

    oldbie
    Premium Member
    Rating - 100%
    4   0   0
    Jun 3, 2007
    8,629
    48
    Metairie, LA
    A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology, which was explaining the phenomenon of "Mixed Emotions". The husband turned to his wife and said, "That's a bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time."

    Without missing a beat she said: "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick." :D

    At least she didn't say smallest...
     

    Turn Key

    Stuck up North
    Rating - 0%
    0   0   0
    Regardless of your political persuasion,
    this is funny!

    razorbacks.png


    Last Tuesday President Obama got off the helicopter in front of The White House - carrying a baby piglet under each arm. The squared-away Marine guard snapped to attention, saluted and said:

    "Nice pigs, sir." The President replied: "These are not pigs. These are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, and I got one for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi."

    The squared-away Marine again snapped to attention, salutes and said, "Excellent trade, sir."



     

    LACamper

    oldbie
    Premium Member
    Rating - 100%
    4   0   0
    Jun 3, 2007
    8,629
    48
    Metairie, LA
    "A blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says, "Six Brazilian men died in a skydiving accident today."
    The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing "That's horrible."
    Confused, he says, "Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is that risk involved."
    After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, "How many is a Brazilian?"
    __________________

    Husband and wife are talking after dinner one night when the wife asks:
    "honey, if I died, would you remarry?"

    Husband- Yes, I guess so

    Wife- Would you let her drive my car?

    Husband- Yes

    Wife- Would you let her wear my jewelry?

    Husband- yeah

    Wife- Would you let her use my golf clubs?

    Husband- No way, besides, shes left handed
    ___________________
    Watching a new employee count the day's income, the boss walks over and asks the guy where he got his financial training.
    "Yale," the guys says.
    "Hey, that's great," says the boss. "What's your name, son?"
    "Yackson."
    _______________________

    This mushroom walks into a bar... the bartender says "hey we don't allow mushrooms here!" The mushromm replies to the bartender "Aww c'mon, I'm a fun guy!"
    _________________________

    A baby seal walks into a bar. Bar tender asks "what will you have". The baby seal responds "Anything but a Canadian Club!".
    ___________________________________
    So Celine Dion walks in a bar,
    The bartender looks at her and asks...
    Why the long face?
    ____________________________________
    A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, 'Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started.'
    Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it supposed to be when it's finished?
    The blonde says, 'According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster.'
    Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
    She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
    He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, 'First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.'
    He takes her hand and says, 'Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ...' he said with a deep sigh, . ..



    'Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.'

    ___________________

    Two blondes rob a bank and speed away in their getaway car. The blonde who's driving says to the other, "Turn around and see if the cops are following us."

    The other blonde says, "Well, how the heck would I know that?"

    "Duh!," says the driver. "If they're following us, you can see the red light on the top of the police car. So . . . are they chasing us?"

    The other blonde turns around and looks out the back window. "Yes . . . No . . . Yes . . . No . . ."
     
    Last edited:

    Turn Key

    Stuck up North
    Rating - 0%
    0   0   0
    KNEELING HIGH JUMP RECORD

    Are you aware that a new world record has been set for the HIGH JUMP from a KNEELING position? (I didn’t even know there was such a contest).

    The record (0.757 meters) - remember this is from a KNEELING Position was set recently on a beach near Montpellier in Southern France.

    This photograph was taken a split second before the jump but it gives you an idea as to how it was achieved.







    kneelinghighjump.png


    :D TK
     

    artabr

    Well-Known Member
    Rating - 100%
    1   0   0
    Mar 24, 2008
    2,623
    36
    New Iberia , Louisiana
    Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.

    The older of the two pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing.

    ''This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.''

    ''Yes, I remember him as a baby'' says the other mother cheerfully.

    "He's a martyr now though" the mother confides.

    "Oh, so sad dear'' says the other.

    ''And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.''

    ''Oh, I remember him,'' says the other happily, ''he had such curly hair when he was born.''

    ''He's a martyr too'' says the mother quietly..

    ''Oh, gracious me .. . . '' says the other.

    ''And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed.

    He would have been 18'', she whispers.

    "Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, ''I remember when he first started school''

    ''He's a martyr also,'' says the mother, with tears in her eyes.

    After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right words, finally says . . .

    "They blow up so fast, don't they?"




    Art
     

    Kraut

    LEO
    Rating - 100%
    4   0   0
    Oct 3, 2007
    1,799
    83
    Slidell, LA
    The Hotel Bill



    Next time you think your hotel bill is too high, you might want to consider this:

    My wife and I were traveling by car from Victoria to Prince George. Being Seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, we were too tired to continue, and decided to take a room. But, we only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When we checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed us a bill for $350.00.

    I explode and demanded to know why the charge is so high. I told the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 for four hours. Then the clerk tells me that $350.00 is the 'standard rate'. I insisted on speaking to the Manager.

    The Manager appears, listens to me, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for us to use. 'But we didn't use them," I said. ''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.

    He went on to explain that we could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

    "But we didn't go to any of those shows," I said. "Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.

    No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, I replied, "But we didn't use it!"

    The Manager is unmoved, and eventually I gave up and agreed to pay.

    I wrote a check and gave it to the Manager.

    The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir, this check is only made out for $50.00." ''That's correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife," I replied.

    "But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

    I said, "Well, too bad, she was here, and you could have."
     

    Turn Key

    Stuck up North
    Rating - 0%
    0   0   0
    A good Catholic Joke

    The Pope and President Obama are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd.



    The Pope leans towards Mr. Obama and says, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy?
    And that this joy will not merely be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"



    Obama replies, "I seriously doubt that ~ with one little wave of your hand? Show me!"



    So the Pope backhanded him and knocked him off the stage!



    AND THE CROWD ROARED & CHEERED WILDLY!



    Kind of brings a tear to your eyes, doesn't it?



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    Yrdawg

    *Banned*
    Rating - 0%
    0   0   0
    Sep 24, 2006
    8,386
    36
    Big Woods
    YES...it really does, what a beautiful thought...and a fine of example of good defeating evil

    We could only hope that the original serpent had looked like obama, Eve surely would have spotted him as the devil and not just any ol lying snake in the grass, that's the only way I could think of for obama to have made a good difference in the world.
     

    drpc

    Across the State Line
    Rating - 0%
    0   0   0
    Jun 29, 2010
    705
    18
    Picayune, MS
    A guy and his wife are watching TV and he has the remote. He keeps flipping between a fishing show and the Porno Channel. After 30 minutes she finally has enough and yells "For God's sake would you leave it on the Porno Channel, you already know how to fish!"
     

    brfd557

    Well-Known Member
    Rating - 100%
    10   0   0
    Jan 17, 2010
    1,121
    36
    Baton Rouge
    A man walks into a bar. as he steps in. he realizes it is a "gay" bar. "what-the-hell" he thinks, I want a drink.

    the bartender comes up and asks "whats the name of UR penis?" the man says "I'm not into any of that stuff, I just want a drink"

    "I'm sorry but I can't serve U 'til U tell me the name. mine is 'Nike' as in 'just do it' that guy there calls his 'Snickers' cuz 'it really satisfies'. get it?" the bartender gives him a bit to think on it. the man asks a guy next to him "what do U call URs?" 'Timex' it takes a licking, keeps on ticking. he asks another guy and is told "Chevy, like a rock!" he thinks for a second and says "hey bartender my penis is named 'Secret' now get me a damn beer!" the bartender asks "why 'Secret'?"

    "because it's strong enough for a man but its made for a woman
     

    Turn Key

    Stuck up North
    Rating - 0%
    0   0   0
    Little Johnny meets Barack Obama

    Barack Obama was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.


    The teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy.' So our illustrious president asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy..' One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him that would be a tragedy."


    "No," said Obama, "that would be an accident."


    A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone that would be a tragedy."


    "I'm afraid not," explained Obama. "That's what we would call great loss."


    The room went silent. No other child volunteered. Obama searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
    Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: "If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."


    "Fantastic!" Exclaimed Obama. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"


    "Well," says Johnny, "It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss ...... and you can bet your black ass it wouldn't be an accident either."


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