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Thread: Joke of the day

  1. #11
    Stuck up North

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    When girls don't put out!!

    This was written by a guy...it is GREAT!

    I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

    FOR EXAMPLE:

    One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

    I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

    So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

    'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

    She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

    Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep..

    The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

    We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... She was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

    I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all Dear, let's go to the cashier.'

    I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

    Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

    I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

    And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

    Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either... but at least the bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

    ,——'――';=====±—-
    !‚–’――ƒΉΆ
    Don't do stupid things, with stupid people at stupid places at stupid times.

  2. #12
    Marksman

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    Heard this one in a crowd the other night.

    Uncle Bill comes to visit with brother John and sister-in law.
    It starts to get late John says to Bill ,If you're planning to stay the night you will have to sleep in bed with 6 year old Johnnie.

    As Bill was get ready to get in on his side of bed ,he saw Johnny was bending down saying a prayer.
    Bill says to himself I should do the adult thing and get on my knees also.

    Johnny looks over at Bill on his knees and says you are going to be in trouble in the morning ,




    The pots on this side!

  3. #13
    Clandestine Sciuridae

    Gold Member

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    I met a fairy today who said she would grant me one wish.

    "OK, I want to live forever." I said.

    "Sorry" said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that!"

    "Fine," I said, "I want to die right after the Democrats get their heads out of their asses!"

    "You crafty bastard," said the fairy.
    http://theoatmeal.com/comics/apostrophe

    Quote Originally Posted by Ritten View Post
    Buy them all!! If you don't like it, sell it. They ain't shoes you know...

  4. #14
    Lone Wolf

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    Quote Originally Posted by charliepapa View Post
    I met a fairy today who said she would grant me one wish.

    "OK, I want to live forever." I said.

    "Sorry" said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that!"

    "Fine," I said, "I want to die right after the Democrats get their heads out of their asses!"

    "You crafty bastard," said the fairy.
    That's funny and I don't care who you are!
    "Never argue with an idiot. They will bring you down to their level and beat you with experience."

  5. #15
    Marksman

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    Interesting Piece of History:

    In 1872 the Arabs invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine .

    In 1873 the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine
    out of the goat first.

  6. #16
    Blissfully Ignorant

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    Quote Originally Posted by Duck Jenkins View Post
    That's funny and I don't care who you are!
    +1
    If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullsh...

  7. #17
    Blissfully Ignorant

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    Quote Originally Posted by Old_Demon View Post
    Interesting Piece of History:

    In 1872 the Arabs invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine .

    In 1873 the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine
    out of the goat first.
    Is there a such thing as a "+ infinity" key?
    If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullsh...

  8. #18
    On Target

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    Some of these have me tearing up!!!

    Ya'll are on a roll, keep it going!

  9. #19
    Banned

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    I liked to soil my pants with that goat joke.

  10. #20
    Stuck up North

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    I had just read this in an Email last week, but it was a touch different.
    In 1872 the "Muslims" invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine .

    In 1873 the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine
    out of the goat first.
    I the quote like this way too.
    Quote Originally Posted by Old_Demon View Post
    Interesting Piece of History:

    In 1872 the Arabs invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine .

    In 1873 the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine
    out of the goat first.
    ,——'――';=====±—-
    !‚–’――ƒΉΆ
    Don't do stupid things, with stupid people at stupid places at stupid times.

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