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Thread: Joke of the day

  1. #301
    Seriously Misunderstood!

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    A little old lady goes into the grocery store to buy cat food. She picks up four cans and brings them to the check-out counter.
    The girl at the cash register says, "I'm sorry, ma'am, but we can't sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat themselves, so we need to ask for proof that you're buying the cat food for a cat."
    The little old lady goes home, picks up her cat, and brings it with her to the store. Once they see the cat, they sell her the cat food. The next day, the little old lady tries to buy two cans of dog food.
    Sure enough, the cashier says, "I'm sorry, but we can't sell you dog food without proof that you have a dog. A lot of old people buy dog food to eat themselves, so we need to ask for proof that you're buying the dog food for a dog."
    The little old lady goes home, puts her dog in her grandson's red wagon and pulls it to the store. Once they see the dog, they sell her the dog food.
    The next day the little old lady brings in a box with a hole in the lid and she says to the cashier, "Honey, please stick your finger in the hole."
    The cashier said, "No. You might have a snake in there."
    The little old lady says, "Sweetheart, there's no snake in the box. I'd never hurt you."
    The cashier puts her finger into the box and then pulls it out.
    The cashier says, "That smells like shit."
    The little old lady says, "It is. I need to buy three rolls of toilet paper."

    An old man in Phoenix calls his son Eddie in New York and says, "Enough is enough. I'm divorcing your mother," and hangs up.
    The son is freaked out, calls his sister in Philadelphia and tells her what just happened.
    His sister says, "Bullshit they're getting a divorce. I'll handle this."
    She calls her parents in Phoenix and says, "You're not splitting up. Don't do a thing. Eddie and I will be there tomorrow."
    The old man hangs up the phone and says to his wife, "The kids are both coming for Thanksgiving and they're paying their own way."

    A priest is relocated to a new city and he's in a bad section of town.
    He walks up to a few hookers and says, "Excuse me, where's the Post Office?"
    One of the hookers says, "Go down this street, turn right at the strip club and it's down across from the porn shop."
    The priest says, "Why don't you ladies change your ways and let me lead you to Heaven?"
    Another hooker says, "Lead us to Heaven? Motherf**ker, you can't even find the Post Office."

    Charlie's flying with his friend who's a pilot. The plane flies into a cloud, and the cockpit goes totally dark, when plane hits turbulence, and is zooming up and down and all over the place when his friend suddenly slumps over and dies. Charlie grabs at the controls and gropes for the radio.
    He says "May Day! May Day! Help! Help! I'm in a plane and my friend the pilot just fell over dead. I don't know how to work this thing. It's totally dark and we're flying upside-down."
    The dispatcher says, "If it's totally dark how do you know you're flying upside-down?"
    Charlie says, "Because there's shit oozing out of my shirt collar."
    Remember; The 2nd Amendment Protects the 1st!
    Lyndon Johnson (Democrat & Father of US Welfare System) we'll give them stuff........."and have them ni&&ers voting democratic for the next 200 years!"
    "I'm a self reliant, self supported American trapped in a "Free Shit" society!"
    Be Warned! is Skynet!
    I don't believe in a supreme deity; but have to believe Trump's win was Divine Intervention!

  2. #302

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    The Darwin's are out ...

    Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.

    Here is the glorious winner:

    1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

    And now, the honorable mentions:

    2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

    3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

    4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

    5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

    6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]

    7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

    8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

    9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

    10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

    In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with friends and family...unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.

    *** Remember.... They walk among us, they can reproduce...AND VOTE!

  3. #303
    Seriously Misunderstood!

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    Okay, It's been awhile; and I see this thread is still up! So, unless the new owners are not familiar with this thread and it's inherent filthy nature; may you all be forewarned that the jokes here to for and forthcoming are very explicit and require the reader possess a degree of humor and understanding, if not be just plain sick!

    A guy's getting married on Saturday. Friday night, his friends take him out, get him waylaid, bylaid, Rolaid, mislaid, up, down, up, bing, bang, boom!, forget it, his pecker is a mangled mess, he doesn't know what to do. He takes two popsicle sticks, puts them down there, and wraps it with adhesive tape. The next day he gets married. Here they are in their honeymoon suite, and she walks out stark naked.
    She says, "Look, honey. Untouched by human hands."
    He's gotta think quick.
    He pulls down his pants and says, "Look! Hah! Not even out of the crate."

    Al and Fred ride a camel to a football game and leave it in the parking lot. After the game, they agree that it'll be hard to find the camel with the parking lot so crowded, so they have a few beers and wait a while. Finally, they go to the parking lot, and it's empty except for the camel.
    Just before they go to get on, Fred says, "Hold it, I'm gonna make sure this is ours."
    He walks around behind it, lifts up the camel's tail, and says, "This ain't it. It ain't ours."
    Al says, "How do you know?"
    Fred says, "When we rode in, I heard the guy at the gate say, 'Look at the two a$$holes on that camel'."

    What would you call a female psychoanalyst's vagina?
    A Freudian slit.

    A woman says to her doctor, "I have diarrhea. Can I take a bath?"
    He says, "If you have enough."

    A college professor's going to bed with his wife. He's not that tired, so he's gonna stay awake and read while she goes to sleep.
    So he's reading, and every once in a while he reaches over and tickles! her on the fun spot, "Kitza kitza..."
    She says, "Will you stop that! Will you stop reaching over here and teasing me like that?"
    He says, "I'm not teasing you. I'm wetting my fingers so I can turn the page."

    A ninety-year-old woman walks into her high-rise apartment and catches her ninety-four-year-old husband in bed with another woman. When he jumps up to explain, she pushes him out onto the balcony and over the rail.
    She's in court on charge of murder and the judge says, "Do you have anything to say in your defense?"
    She says, "Your honor, I figured that at ninety-four, if he could f*ck, he could fly."

    A Muslim's at The Pearly Gates and he says to St. Peter, "I want to see Allah."
    St. Peter says, "Allah's busy."
    The Muslim says, "I want to see Allah now."
    St. Peter turns and yells, "Hey, Allah, when you're done with the dishes, you have company."

    A lady in a bar says to the guy next to her, "I see you drink beer."
    He says, "Yep."
    She says, "How many a day?
    He says, "Usually about three."
    She says, "And how much do you pay for a beer?"
    He says, "About six bucks, including the tip."
    She says, "And how long have you been drinking?"
    He says, "About twenty years, I suppose."
    She says, "So a beer costs six dollars and you have three beers a day, which puts your spending each month well over five hundred dollars."
    He says, "I guess."
    She says, "If in one year you spend six thousand dollars, in the past twenty years you've spent a hundred and twenty thousand dollars on beer."
    He says, "Sounds like your math's about right."
    She says, "Do you realize that if you didn't drink beer, that money could have been put in a savings account and after twenty years of compound interest you could have bought a Ferrari?"
    He says, "Do you drink beer?
    She says, "No."
    He says, "Where's your f*cking Ferrari?"

    A woman's up in the stirrups, in the throes of labor, and she's cursing and screaming at her husband.
    He says, "Hey, don't blame me. I wanted to stick it in your ass but you said, 'No, that'll hurt.' "

    Schneider's rich and one day he decides he wants to cross the Sahara Desert by caravan. He goes to Cairo, buys a small herd of camels, hires Arabs to ride the camels and lead him, gets the supplies they'll need, gives the camels as long a drink of water as they'll take, and they set off, headed west. Sixty miles into the journey, the camels start to drop dead one-by-one of dehydration. When he's down to his last four camels. Schneider can't believe his eyes when a caravan of the oldest and most flea-bitten camels he's ever seen come up on them and are about to pass them.
    He runs over to the guy at the front of the other caravan and says, "My camels are dropping from dehydration and these old nags of yours look healthy as they can be. What's the story?"
    The other guy says, "Well, before you set out to cross the Sahara, you have to give the camels a really long drink of water."
    Schneider says, "I did, I did."
    The other guy says, "And did you brick 'em?"
    Schneider says, "Brick 'em? I have no idea what that means."
    The other guy says, "Oh, man, to cross the Sahara, you gotta brick 'em. When you're ready to set out, you line the camels up so they'll drink one after the other. You get a brick in each hand and stand behind each camel as he's taking his drink. When you hear the sluurrrppp! of his drink slowing down and about to come to an end, you smack! the bricks together on his balls. He'll go SLLUURRPPP! and suck in enough water to cross the Sahara and probably cross back."
    Schneider says, "But ... but doesn't that hurt?"
    The other guy says, "Well, hell yeah. You gotta be careful not to catch your fingers between the bricks."

    Favale finishes reading a book, "You Can Be The King Of Your Castle."
    He marches into the kitchen and says to his wife, "From now on, I'm the man of this house and what I say goes. You'll prepare me a delicious meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating, you'll serve me dessert. After dinner, we're going to go upstairs and have whatever kind of sex I want. Then you're going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You'll fetch my robe, wash my back and then towel me dry. Then you'll massage my feet and hands. And first thing tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
    His wife says, "I think I'll have to go with the f*cking funeral director."

    The Mexican maid says to Mrs. Friedman, "I wanna to make-a mo moneys."
    Mrs. Friedman says, "Now, Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"
    Maria says, "Senora, dere is a tree reason why I wanna mo moneys. The first eez dat me, I iron mo better den you."
    Mrs. Friedman says, "Who said you iron better than me?"
    Maria says, "Jor huzban, he say so."
    Mrs. Friedman says, "Oh, he did, did he?"
    Maria says, "The second reason, eet eez dat me, I yam mo better cook den you."
    Mrs. Friedman says, "That's crazy. Who said you were a better cook than me?"
    Maria says, "Jor hozban, he say so."
    Mrs. Friedman says, "Oh, really?"
    Maria says, "The third reason eez dat me, I yam mo better with the sex den you, een de bed."
    Mrs. Friedman says, "And did my husband say that, too?"
    Maria says, "No, Senora. The gardener, he say dat."
    Mrs. Friedman says, "So how much do you want?"

    What's the best way to tell if a guy's gay?
    While you're f*cking him in the ass, reach around ... if he's got a hard-on, f*ggot!

    A guy's tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth when his wife asks him a question. As he turns to answer, the peanut falls into his ear. He tries to dig it out, but that only pushes it in deeper, so they decide to go to the hospital. As they're about to leave, their daughter comes in with her date.
    After they explain, the daughter's date says, "I can get the peanut out."
    He shoves two fingers into the father's nose, and says, "Blow hard."
    The father blows, and the peanut flies out of his ear.
    The mother turns to the father and says, "Isn't he smart? I wonder what he plans to be."
    The father says, "From the smell of his fingers, I'd say our son-in-law."

    A magician is doing really poorly, so he decides to try a new trick.
    He invites a guy onto the stage, hands him a big sledge hammer, and says, "Hit me with this between the eyes with this as hard as you can."
    The guy says, "Are you sure?"
    The magician says, "Hey, I'm the magician here."
    The guy swings the sledgehammer and cracks the magician right between the eyes.
    Seven years later, a nurse is looking in on the magician in his hospital bed, when he pops out of his coma, sits up, and goes, "Da-dahhh!"

    A guy gets a new job. He works Thursday and Friday.
    On Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick."
    He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick."
    The boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says, "He's great. He does the work of two men. We need him."
    So the boss calls the guy into his office, and says, "You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. You're a good worker and I'd hate to fire you. What's the problem? Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?"
    The guy says, "No, I don't drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law drinks every weekend, and then beats on my sister. So every Monday morning, I go over to make sure she's all right. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know, I'm f*cking her."
    The boss says, "You f*ck your sister?"
    The guy says, "Hey, I told you I was sick."

    A couple goes to the marriage counselor.
    The marriage counselor says, "I think we should start with what you have in common."
    The husband says, "Neither of us likes to suck c*ck."

    It's winter again.
    that time of year when the poor are making tough choices ...
    between food, heat, or getting that massive new tattoo.
    Last edited by Emperor; February 18th, 2016 at 11:03 AM.
    Remember; The 2nd Amendment Protects the 1st!
    Lyndon Johnson (Democrat & Father of US Welfare System) we'll give them stuff........."and have them ni&&ers voting democratic for the next 200 years!"
    "I'm a self reliant, self supported American trapped in a "Free Shit" society!"
    Be Warned! is Skynet!
    I don't believe in a supreme deity; but have to believe Trump's win was Divine Intervention!

  4. #304

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    The President and the head of the Democrat Party, Nancy Pelosi, are arguing extensively over allowing immigrants into our country. Nancy of course wants free access to everyone who wants to come in, while Donald wants us to secure our borders and insure only the right people come in.

    Instead of going to a costly, time-consuming nationwide vote on the matter, they agree to a 3-day ice fishing contest to settle the issue whoever catches the most fish at the end of the 3 days will have his or her process implemented.

    The two decide that a remote frozen lake in northern Wisconsin would be the ideal place. No observers on the fishing grounds,but both would need to have their catches verified and counted each night at 5 PM so they use a neutral park ranger station.

    After Day 1, Trump returns to the station with a total of 10 fish, while Pelosi comes back with nothing.

    Day 2 finishes and Trump catches another 20 fish, but Pelosi once again comes back with nothing.

    That night, Pelosi and her cronies get together and accuse Trump of being a *low-life, cheater.* Instead of fishing on Day 3, they are going to follow Trump and to spy on him and figure out how he is cheating.

    Day 3 finishes up and Trump has had an incredible day, adding 40 more to his total.

    That night, Pelosi and her cohorts get together for the full report on how Donald was cheating.

    Pelosi stands up to give her report and says, *You are not going to believe this. Trump is cheating because he's cutting holes in the ice.*

    And this, my friends, tells you the difference between a businessman and a career government politician.

  5. #305

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    I was walking through the mall yesterday and saw a
    "Mexican Book Store."

    Never having seen one before, I went in. As I was wandering around,
    a clerk asked if he could help me find something.

    I asked, "Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book about his
    proposed immigration policy regarding Mexicans?"

    The clerk said, "F*ck you, get out and stay out!"

    I said, "Yes, that's the one. Do you have it in paperback?"
    Last edited by Coyote5.0; December 8th, 2018 at 10:41 AM.

  6. #306

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  7. #307

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  8. #308

    Premium Member

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    Thinkin' back to the old days over the holidays, times gone by etc... I rarely emote, but this story needs sharing.

    Back in Ireland I lived at a farm for a bit. One day my friend Seamus is passing by my barn when, through a
    gap in the door, he sees me doing a slow and sensual
    striptease in front of an old John Deere tractor.

    Buttocks clenched, I perform a slow pirouette, and gently slide
    off the right strap of my overalls, followed by the left, then kick off me wellies. I then hunch my shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, let my overalls fall down to my hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.

    Then, grabbing both sides of me shirt, ripping it apart to reveal
    a stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, I tear the
    T-shirt from my body, and hurl my flat cap onto a pile of hay.

    Having seen enough, Seamus rushes in and says, "What the world're
    ye doing, Andy? "

    "Good grief, Seamus, ya scared the bejaysus outta me," says I embarrassed,

    "But me 'n the little woman been havin' trouble lately in the bedroom
    d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."
    "Be water, my friend..."

  9. #309

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  10. #310

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    The year is 2016 and the United States has just elected the first woman, a Louisiana State University graduate, as President of the United States, Susan Boudreaux. A few days after the election the president-elect calls her father and says, 'So, Dad, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?' 'I don't think so. It's a 30 hour drive, your mother isn't as young as she used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again.' 'Don't worry about it, Dad, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door.' 'I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy. What would your mother wear?' Oh Dad, replies Susan, 'I'll make sure she has a wonderful gown custom-made by the best designer in New York .' 'Honey,' Dad complains, 'you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat.' The President-to-be responds, 'Don't worry Dad. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York , I'll ensure your meals are salt free Dad, I really want you to come. So Dad reluctantly agrees and on January 20, 2017, Susan Boudreaux is being sworn in as President of the United States. In the front row sits the new president's Dad and Mom. Dad noticing the senator sitting next to him leans over and whispers, 'You see that woman over there with her hand on the Bible, becoming President of the United States.' The Senator whispers back, 'Yes I do.'
    Her Dad says proudly, 'Her brother played football at LSU.'

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