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Thread: Joke of the day

  1. #311
    Marksman

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    STEALING!

  2. #312
    Seriously Misunderstood!

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    Be forewarned! Some of these may cross the line of human decency, but they are way inside the realm of funny! May the democrats never achieve their goal of stifling Free Speech!

    A guy goes to a proctologist.
    The doctor says, "My God, man .. how'd your asshole get so stretched out?"
    The guy says, "I-I got f**ked by a elephant."
    The doctor says, "Oh, come on, everybody knows an elephant has a long dick, but they're not that wide."
    The guy says, "H-he put his finger in first."

    It's 1973 and Elvis is in the middle of a concert on a Las Vegas stage.
    He's singing, "Love me tender .."
    He looks down at a pretty girl and says, "What's your name, honey?"
    She says, "Michelle."
    He says, "Michelle, can I ask you a question?"
    She says, "Sure, Elvis .."
    He says, "Where're you from?"
    She says, "Providence."
    He says, "I played Providence."
    She says, "I know, Elvis. I saw you."
    He keeps singing, "Love me true .."
    He looks down at another pretty girl and says, "What's your name, honey?"
    She says, "Susie."
    He says, "Susie, can I ask you a question?"
    She says, "Sure, Elvis .."
    He says, "Where're you from?"
    She says, "Atlanta."
    He says, "I played Atlanta."
    She says, "I know, Elvis. I saw you."
    He keeps singing, "Love me tender .."
    He looks down at another pretty girl and says, "What's your name, honey?"
    She says, "Shirley."
    He says, "Shirley, can I ask you a question?"
    She says, "Sure, Elvis .."
    He says, "Are you gonna finish that potato?"

    Abe says, "Sadie, we've had forty-five nice years together, but this month we're in trouble. I haven't got the rent. You're going to have to go out and turn some tricks."
    And she agrees, because it helps the joke.
    That night Sadie leaves the apartment at seven, comes back at eleven-thirty and puts eighty dollars and twenty-five cents on the kitchen table.
    Abe says, "Eighty dollars and twenty-five cents? Who gave you a quarter?"
    She says, "Everybody."


    Two guys are in hospital beds next to each other, and one of the guys is covered with casts and bandages from head to toe.
    The second guy says, "What do you do for a living?"
    The first guy says, "I used to be a window washer."
    The second guy says, "And you decided to give it up?"
    The first guy says, "Yeah."
    The second guy says, "When?"
    The first guy says, "Oh, about halfway down."
    Last edited by 340six; May 23rd, 2019 at 01:22 PM.
    Remember; The 2nd Amendment Protects the 1st!
    Lyndon Johnson (Democrat & Father of US Welfare System) we'll give them stuff........."and have them ni&&ers voting democratic for the next 200 years!"
    "I'm a self reliant, self supported American trapped in a "Free Shit" society!"
    Be Warned! Amazon.com is Skynet!
    PLEASE STOP USING GOOGLE!
    I don't believe in a supreme deity; but have to believe Trump's win was Divine Intervention!

  3. #313
    Marksman

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    Nine years and still going. I love this thread.

  4. #314
    LEO

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    Boudreaux and Thibodaux are sitting on the porch, and Boudreaux is lamenting the fact that he never finished school - "I jus regret not havin no good book learnin, T-Bo."
    So Thibodaux tells him "Ya know dat plenty people, dey go back to get mora dat book learnin at dat Del-guh-doh College, Boo. Maybe ya should try dat."
    Boudreaux thinks this is a good idea, so he fires up the pickup bright and early the next morning and drives on over to the local campus to sign up. Unfortunately, Boudreaux has arrived on the very last day of registration, and the only class that has an opening without prerequisites is "Logic."
    "Well, I gosta start somewhere," says Boudreaux, and he enrolls.
    On the first day of class, Boudreaux gets there bright and early, and when he sees the instructor walking in with his briefcase, he approaches and introduces himself, and explains to the gentleman - "I never had me much book learnin, and dat was a long time back, yeah, soz I'm not to familiar wit dis here 'Logic' and I was wondrin if ya could explain about it to me jus a bit."
    "Oh, logic is a fascinating topic," exclaims the instructor. "It's pertains to the intellectual processes that we use to combine numerous factors such as our own inherent human instincts, data obtained through both casual and targeted observation, previously recorded and learned knowledge, individual memory and conscious and subconscious recollection, and our own specific and cultural experiences, all of which we then utilize within the process of deductive reasoning to reach appropriate conclusions when presented with a limited set of facts. It's going to be a truly exciting semester!"
    Boudreaux is a little overwhelmed, and says "Dat's a heapin mess a big words, dere, but I'm still not sure I'm unnerstandin what ya sayin dere."
    So the instructor says "Well, let me explain it to you with a simple example. Do you own a lawnmower?"
    "Yeah, I gostme a lawnmower, sure," says Boudreaux.
    "So if you own a lawnmower, it would be logical for me to believe and then ask to confirm if you own a piece of property on which you cut the grass, you following me?"
    "Okay," says Boudreaux, "I follow dat, yeah, I own a piece a land where I mow da lawn."
    "Alright, then," continues the instructor, "if you own a property where you cut the grass, logic then leads me to believe you maintain that property because you live there and have a home, right?"
    "Yeah, I gostme a trailer I live in," says Boudreaux.
    "And it's logical that you would cut the grass there to keep your home looking nice, see?"
    "Aww, yeah, da wife gets afta me sometin fierce if I don't cut dat grass!"
    "Ahah!" exclaims the instructor. "Now we're really getting deep into this. With that information that you have a wife, and a house and property that you're keeping up, I might then logically proceed to ask some other probing questions to obtain further facts to reach a conclusion, so: How many rooms are in your house?"
    "Well, it's got losta rooms, it's a double-wide, yeah, so da kitchen and den, and da tree sleepin rooms, two whole batrooms, and even a room so da washin machine can be inside, yeah."
    "And are you and your wife alone in the house, or do you have children that occupy the other bedrooms?" asks the instructor.
    "Yeah, we got five lil' ones runnin round, dey snug up in dem rooms, doh, ya know!"
    "Well, to wrap this example up, with the facts you have given me, that you own a lawnmower and cut the grass on a property where you share a home with a wife and five children, it is then logical for me to conclude that since you had to have sex with your wife to conceive your children, you must be heterosexual."
    Boudreaux is blown away, standing there jaw agape. "Dats amazin, yeah!" says Boudreaux. "You gosta all a dat by me ownin a lawnmower! Dats sometin else, dat!"
    "Well, that's just a basic example, but we're going to do so much more! Have a seat and we'll start class soon."
    At the end of the day, Boudreaux goes home and after a while, when he's done with his workday, Thibodaux stops by to the porch for some sittin - "So Boudreaux, how dat firse day a schoolin at da Del-guh-do College go?"
    "Aww, T-Bo, it was fassinatin, yeah. I'm learnin bout dis ting called logic."
    "Logic?" asks Thibodaux. "What's logic?"
    "Well," says Boudreaux, "logic is how we use what we see and remember, and what other people learnt, ta figure reasonable answers ta tings we don't know."
    Thibodaux just cocks his head and gives Boudreux a quizzical look, so Boudreux continues - "Look, I'll show ya by an ezample. Do you own a lawnmower?"
    Thibodaux replies "Boo, I always borruh yours, you know I don't own no lawnmower."
    Boudreaux stands up, turns to Thibodaux with a disgusted look on his faces and says "******!" <<<Insert automatically removed politically incorrect word for homosexual here. Hint: starts with an "F"

    And therein lies the problem with PC, where a joke can't be a joke anymore, which is sad because the joke here is not that someone is supposed to be gay, but that someone is supposed to be stupid enough to draw that conclusion in the way they did. Context, people, context! Anyway, insert your preferred word for homosexual and enjoy retelling.
    Last edited by Kraut; June 1st, 2019 at 08:29 AM.

  5. #315
    On Target

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    One day Boudreaux was driving his truck in the county and he saw Thibodeaux standing there in the the middle of his big empty field. He wasn't doing anything but just standing there starting blankly into space. So Boudreaux says to himself, "Mais, what he's doin, him? Mais, I'm gonna find out, yeah me." So he pulls off the road and approaches Thibodeaux and he says, "Mais Thib, what you doin, you?" Thibodeaux says, "I'm waitin to win my noble prize." Boudreaux says, "Your nobel prize?!?!" Thibodeaux says, "Yeah, I was watchin this show on TV last night and they said to win a nobel prize you gotta be outstanding in your field."

  6. #316
    Marksman

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    Quote Originally Posted by Oilman View Post
    One day Boudreaux was driving his truck in the county and he saw Thibodeaux standing there in the the middle of his big empty field. He wasn't doing anything but just standing there starting blankly into space. So Boudreaux says to himself, "Mais, what he's doin, him? Mais, I'm gonna find out, yeah me." So he pulls off the road and approaches Thibodeaux and he says, "Mais Thib, what you doin, you?" Thibodeaux says, "I'm waitin to win my noble prize." Boudreaux says, "Your nobel prize?!?!" Thibodeaux says, "Yeah, I was watchin this show on TV last night and they said to win a nobel prize you gotta be outstanding in your field."

  7. #317
    Long live the 10mm

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    There was this Hell's Angel riding down the road on his motorcycle last winter. He was wearing a leather jacket that had a broken zipper. He finally stopped the bike and thought to himself, "Man, I can't drive anymore with the cold air hitting me in my chest." So he decided to put the coat on backwards to block the air from hitting him. He continued driving and came around a bend in the road, lost control and wrecked, coincidentally, right in front of Boudreaux's house. Boudreaux happened to see what happened, and called the State Police to report the accident. The Trooper on the phone asked him, "Is the guy showing any sign of life?" "Well," Boudreaux told him, "He was until I turned his head around the right way!"

  8. #318
    Marksman

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    A Catholic Priest, a BaptistPreacher and a Rabbi were sitting around drinking coffee.

    Someone made the comment thatpreaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be topreach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided that each wouldfind a bear and attempt to convert it to their religion.

    Seven days later, they all cametogether to discuss their experiences.

    Father Flannery, who had his armin a sling and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.

    Well, he said, 'I went into thewoods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from theCatechism. Well, that bear came after me and began to slap me around. So Iquickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, hebecame as gentle as a lamb.'

    Reverend Billy Bob the Baptistspoke next. He was in a wheelchair and had an IV drip. 'I went out and found mea bear. And then I began to read to my bear from the Bible! But that bear cameafter me. We wrestled down one hill, until we came to a creek. So Iquickly dunked him and baptized his hairy soul. And just like you said, hebecame as gentle as a lamb'.

    The Priest and the Reverend bothlooked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a bodycast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him.

    The Rabbi looked upand said: "Looking back on it - circumcision may not have been the bestway to start.*

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