Joke of the day

[Emperor]

A guy's got a bag over his head and a gun and he goes into a sperm bank.
The receptionist says, "This i-isn't a regular b-bank, it's a sperm bank."
He says, "I know what it is. Open that refrigerator."
She opens the refrigerator.
He says, "Take out one of those bottles."
She takes out one of the bottles.
He says, "Take off the cap."
She takes off the cap.
He says, "Now drink it."
She drinks it. He takes the bag off of his head and it's her husband.
He says, "You see? It ain't so bad, is it?"

 

[Emperor]

Had enough? Of course you haven't! Here is a run;

A lady says, "Doc, kiss me."
He says, "I can't."
She says, "Doc, please kiss me."
He says, "I can't."
She says, "Doc, please kiss me..."
He says, "Look, lady, I probably shouldn't even be f**king you."


A drunk's sitting at the bar, his pecker's out, and he's yanking on it.
The bartender says, "Man, you gotta get outta here."
The drunk says, "Are you kiddin'? I can't leave. I can't walk. Man, I'm so drunk, I don't even know who I'm f**kin'."


Birnbaum says, "Doc, I think I got a tapeworm."
The doctor says, "Today is Monday. Today through Thursday, at noon, stick a banana and a cookie up your ass. Then come see me at noon on Friday."
Birnbaum takes the doctor's advice, and then walks into his office on Friday at noon
The doctor says, "Take off your pants and lie sideways on the table."
Birnbaum takes off his pants, lies sideways on the table, and then the doctor shoves a banana up his ass.
A few seconds later, a tapeworm sticks it's head out of Birnbaum's ass, says, "Where's my cookie?," and the doctor slices off the tapeworm's head with his scalpel.


What's the last line of the obituary of the world's angriest person?
In lieu of flowers, go f**k yourself.


Dalton's in the doctor's office for an exam.
The doctor says, "There's a piece of lettuce sticking out of your ass."
Dalton says, "Doc, that's just the tip of the iceberg."


Caputo's eating a bowl of soup in a restaurant when he gets up and leaves without paying. The owner follows him out the door and down the street. Caputo walks into a whore house, grabs a girl, and goes upstairs.
The owner goes in, asks the Madam where the guy is, and she says, "Upstairs, first door on the right."
He walks into the room, and there's Caputo, going down on the hooker to beat the band.
The owner says, "Hey, you left my restaurant without paying for your soup."
Caputo says, "There was a hair in it. I ain't paying for that."
The owner says, "A hair in it? Look at you. You've got your face buried in hair."
Caputo says, "And if I find a noodle in here, I ain't paying for this, either."


Friemuth checks into a hotel and he's horny, so he figures he'll call one of the girls that advertise in phone booths. He pops into a phone booth near the hotel, finds an ad for "Erogenique," and when he gets back to his room, he calls.
A woman answers and says, "Hel-looo..."
He thinks to himself, "Man, does she sound hot."
He says, "Hi. I, uhh, hear you give a great massage, so I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait ... I should be straight with you. What I really want is sex. I want it hard, and hot, and I want it now. Please bring toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go all night ... you can tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup & whipped cream, anything you want. How's that sound?"
She says, "That sounds fantastic. Now please dial 9 for an outside line."

 

[Emperor]

Here is the teaser Joke to wet your whistle:

The phone rings and Mrs. Schneider answers.
A pervert breathes heavily into the phone and says, "I bet you have a tight ******* with no hair."
She says, "Yeah, Schneider's watching TV. Who should I say's calling?"

 

[Emperor]

Luigi gets in bed, kisses his wife and goes to sleep. He wakes up in the middle of the night and there's a guy in a long white robe at the foot of his bed.
He says, "What'aya doin' in Luigi's a-bedroom?"
The guy in the long white robe says, "This isn't your bedroom, Luigi. This is Heaven, and I'm Saint Peter."
Luigi says, "Oh-a-no, I'm-a not dead-a yet-a. Luigi, he's-a only forty-three years-a old-a, he's-a not dead-a yet-a. You send-a me back to Earth, right-a now."
St. Peter says, "Well, Luigi, the best I can do right now is to send you back as a hen."
Luigi says, "That's-a okay, that's-a okay, send-a me back down as a hen-a ..."
Poof! Luigi's in a barnyard.
He says, "That's-a not so bad. Got-a nice-a feathers."
A rooster comes over and says, "You must be the new hen."
Luigi says, "Atsa right-a, I'm-a Luigi. I ... uhh! uhh! My sto-machh, she's-a hurt!"
The rooster says, "You're just ovulating. Lay an egg."
Luigi goes, "Unh! Unh! Ey, atsa no so bad, Luigi lay a egg. I ... uhh! uhh! My sto-machh!"
The rooster says, "Just lay another egg."
Luigi goes, "Unh!"
Luigi's wife shakes him and says, "Luigi! Wake up! You **** the bed!"


A congregation honors a rabbi for twenty-five years of service by sending him to Hawaii for a week, all-expenses paid. When he walks into his room, there's a nude girl lying on the bed.
He picks up the phone, calls his temple, and says, "Where is your respect? As your rabbi, I am very, very angry with you."
The girl gets up and start to get dressed.
He says, "Where are you going? I'm not angry at you."


A waiter brings a lady her clam chowder, and his thumb is hooked over the cup.
She says, "Waiter, your thumb is in my soup."
He says, "Yeah. I got arthritis and the heat makes it feel better."
She says, "Well, why don't you stick it up your ass?"
He says, "That's what I do in the kitchen."


A little Jewish kid's walking past his parents bedroom, the door's open, he looks in, and he sees his father naked on top of his mother.
He says, "What's going on, Papa?"
His father says, "We're making children."
The next night the kid's walking past his parents bedroom, the door's open, he looks in and he sees his mother sucking his father's c**k.
He says, "What's going on, Mama?"
His mother says, "We're making jewelry."


A guy from the deep south comes to New York and he's amazed by the indoor plumbing. He's so intrigued by the way the toilets work that he goes to The Sewage Disposal Plant to check it out. One of the inspectors shows him to the conveyor belt that carries all the bowel movements.
As the piles of **** parade by them, the inspector says, "You can tell by inspection who the assorted feces belong to. See that one? I'm sure it's the turd of a Mexican. See the pieces of taco shell, and the tomato seeds? And this next one is obviously the turd of a Chinaman or a Jap ... see the fish eyes and the rice in it? And this next one is surely from a queer."
The hick says, "How can you tell?"
The inspector says, "It's dented on one end."

 

[herohog]

"It's dented on one end." I will never get that out of my head now dang you!

 

[jimdana1942]

Blonde Shoots Herself
A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.

"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.

Well, I was trying to commit suicide, the blonde replied.

"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?"

"No, Silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest."

"And then?" asked the doctor.

"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."

"And then?"

"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."

 

[Mojo Rider]

Why can't Mexican high school kids take drivers ed and sex ed in the same day?

Too much work for the donkey.

 

[Emperor]

Allright kids, this is just a teaser for tonight! Tomorrow is a medley!

A little old lady's going down the hall of her retirement home in her wheelchair making noises like she's in a car.
An old guy jumps out of his room and says, "Lemme see your driver's license."
She rummages through her purse, hands him an old candy wrapper and he says, "This is a warning. Slow down. Okay, be on your way."
On her way back down the hall, the same old guy jumps out and says, "You crossed the center line. Lemme see your registration."
She rummages through her purse again, hands him a used tissue and he says, "This is another warning. Be careful. Okay, on your way."
On her way back again the same old guy leaps out stark naked, and he's got a monstrous erection.
She takes a look and says, "Oh, no, not another Breathalyzer test."

 

[Emperor]

Mrs. Pascucci walks into an eye clinic and puts a big jar on the receptionist's desk. In the jar's a huge turd fourteen inches long and five inches around.
She says to the receptionist, "I need to see an optometrist."
She says, "Ma'am, looking at the specimen in that jar, I'd say you need to see a proctologist, not an optometrist."
Mrs. Pascucci says, "No, I need to see an optometrist. Every time I take a **** my eyes water."

A little Italian kid comes home from school and his mother says. "Guiseppi, what-a you learn in-a school today?"
He says, "Mama, today we learn all about a sex education."
She says, "Sex-a education? That's-a bad. You-a go to you room until you Papa come home."
A few hours later the old man walks in from work and says, "Where's-a Gizzeppi?"
His wife says, "I'm-a send-a him to his-a room. He said he's-a learn sex-a education today in-a school."
He says, "What-a you, stu-peed-o? That's-a what they all learn in-a da school nowadays."
She feels bad and goes up to Guiseppi's room to apologize. When she opens the door, he's lying on his bed jerking off.
She says, "When-a you done with-a you homework, I'm a wanna talk-a to you."

A few minutes before the church services starts, Satan appears in front of the congregat
ion. Everybody runs out, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away. Soon the church is empty except for one old guy who's still sitting calmly in his pew.
Satan walks up to him and says, "Do you know who I am?"
The old guy says, "Yep."
Satan says, "Aren't you afraid of me?"
The old guy says, "Why should I be? I've been married to your sister for thirty-six years."

A guy goes to a barber shop, sits down in the chair, the barber cuts his hair, and after he gets done, as the guy gets up and is taking out his money, the barber goes over and takes a leak in the corner of the barber shop. Takes a ****! The barber finishes and comes back.
As the guy hands him a twenty-dollar bill, he says, "Listen, it's ... it's none of my business, but why ... why would you take a **** in the corner of your own barber shop?"
The barber says, "Hey, my lease is up in two weeks. Do I care?"
The barber goes over to the cash register, rings up the haircut, and comes back with the guy's change. When he comes back, the guy's standing there taking a **** on the floor.
The barber says, "What are you doing?"
The guy says, "Well, ****, I'm leaving now."


A guy's got a friend who's a pilot, who has a two-seater airplane. They go flying on a very nasty day, and just as they're flying into a really dark cloud, his friend slumps over dead of a heart attack.
The guy pushes his friend out of the way, grabs the microphone, and says, "Mayday! Mayday! My friend the pilot just fell over dead. It's pitch black and we're flying upside-down."
The dispatcher says, "If it's pitch black, how do you know you're flying upside-down?"
He says, "Because there's **** oozing out of my shirt collar."


A snotty rich lady goes in to see a doctor.
She says, "Doctor, I am very wealthy, and I have always had anything I've wanted. But I've never, ever experienced what it's like to be pregnant. I would like you to do some kind of procedure, so I may see what it's like to be pregnant."
He says, "All right, lady."
He takes her into the examination room, works on her a while, and then she leaves.
A couple of hours later she calls up, and she says, "Doctor, it has been hours, and I do not yet know what it's like to feel pregnant."
He says, "You will in a few days, lady. I stitched your ass shut."

Since his divorce, Sabean's been seriously dating three women, and now it's time to marry one of them and settle down again. Figuring he'll give them a test to determine which one it should be, he hands them each five thousand dollars.
The first girl gets a complete makeover, a hot new outfit and a pair of sexy high-heel shoes.
She puts them on, comes to see him and says, "I want to look my most beautiful for you, because I love you so much."
The second girl buys Sabean new set of golf clubs, lots of expensive cigars and twenty cases of his favorite beer.
She comes to see him and says, "I bought all this stuff for you because I love you so much."
The third girl invests the money wisely and very quickly it doubles.
She comes to see him and says, "Here's your five thousand dollars back. I already made that much and it'll just keep growing. I invested it for our future because I love you so much."
Sabean's totally blown away by all three women. He finally marries the one with the biggest ****.

 

[Emperor]

And the last volley for today:

The teacher says, "Okay, class, today we're going to play a game. I want everybody to give me a sentence with the word 'perhaps' in it."
Claude says, "Perhaps if we are good, the teacher won't give us any homework."
She says, "Very good, Claude."
She calls on Dirty Johnny in the back.
"John?"
Johnny says, "Yesterday, when I got home from school, my sister and her music teacher both had their pants down to their ankles. Perhaps they were gonna **** on the piano."

A porn star moves to suburbia and he's mowing the lawn when his neighbor comes out.
The porn star says, "Where're you going?
His neighbor says, "I've got a blind date."
When he gets home, and the porn star's sitting on his front steps smoking a joint, and the porn star says, "How was it?"
The neighbor says, "I only got to first base."
The porn star says, "Well, at least you got your ******* licked."

A frog calls the Psychic Hotline and says, "Hey, lady. I'm a really handsome frog. What's in my future?"
His personal psychic advisor says, "You're going to meet a beautiful young girl who'll want to know everything about you."
The frog says, "That's great. That's really really great. So where will I meet her? At a party? In a park?"
The psychic says, "No. In Biology Class."

A lady walks into her daughter's room, and her daughter's doing herself with her vibrator.
She says, "My God! What are you doing?"
She says, "Ma, I'm forty years old. I don't even have a boyfriend. I'll never get married. This is my husband."
A few minutes later, her father walks in, and she's doing herself with the vibrator.
He says "My God! What are you doing?"
She says "Daddy, I'm forty years old. I don't even have a boyfriend. I'll never get married. This is my husband."
The next day, the mother and daughter go out shopping. When they get home, they walk into the kitchen, and there's the father...he's got a martini in one hand, and he's got the vibrator buzzing away in his ass.
Her mother says, "My God! What are you doing?"
He says, "I'm having a drink with my new son-in-law."

 

[Sugarbug]

That last one was not right, lol.

 

[Nevarwinter]

An old man and a woman are sitting next to each other on the porch of the retirement home. She looks at him and says, "I bet I can tell how old you are." The man looks at her and says, "Okay, how?" She unzips his trousers and reaches inside, tugs on things, digs around, and in a few minutes, says, "You're 84."

The old man is amazed. "How did you do that?"

"You told me yesterday."

__________

A gorgeous woman and her mom walk into a doctor's office. The doctor walks in and the hottie says, "need to get a physical." The doctor says, "Easy enough, go behind the divider there and take off your clothes and put this gown on." The hottie says, "oh, it's for my mom." The doctor looks at her mom and says, "Stick out your tongue."

 

[Emperor]

The story of Walter:

President Obama goes to a primary school to talk to the kids. After his talk he offers question time.
One little boy puts up his hand, and Obama asks him his name.
" Walter," responds the little boy.
"And what is your question, Walter?"
"I have four questions"
First, "Why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of the Congress?"
Second, "Why do you keep saying you fixed the economy when it's actually gotten worse?"
Third, "Why did you say that Jeremiah Wright was your mentor, then said that you knew nothing about his preaching and beliefs?"
Fourth, "Why are we lending money to Brazil to drill for oil, but America is not allowed to drill for oil?"
Just then, the bell rings for recess. Obama informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.
When they resume Obama says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right: question time.. Who has a question?"
Another little boy puts up his hand. Obama points him out and asks him
his name.
"Steve," he responds.
"And what is your question, Steve?"
Actually, I have two questions.
First, "Why did the recess bell ring 20 minutes early?"
Second, "What the **** happened to Walter?"

 

[jdessell]

What does 81-year old snatch taste like?



















































DEPENDS

 

[I_FLY_LOW]

Emperor brings it!


Haven't checked in on this thread in a while.
Nice job, y'all!

 

[jimdana1942]

Blonde paint job
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

 

[Bayoupiper]

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach almost every day. She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing—she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around and then speak to them. Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off. But occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money and something that she carried in her bag.
The couple assumed that she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn’t know for sure, they decided to just continue watching her.
After a couple of weeks, the wife said, *Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?*
He hadn’t and said so.
Then she said, *Tomorrow, I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach, then we can find out what she’s really doing.*
Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man then walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.
*Well, is she selling drugs?* she asked excitedly.
*No, she’s not,* he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.
*Well, what is it then? What does she do?* his wife fairly shrieked.
The man grinned and said, *She’s a battery salesperson.*
*Batteries?* cried the wife.



*Yes,* he replied. *She sells C cells down by the seashore.


.

 

[McMedic]

Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.

He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.

The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another one!"

 

[Emperor]

Okay, It's time for more funny!


Philip says, "Doc, I can't sleep, but I can't take pills, either."
The doctor says, "No problem. I'll put a sleeping pill in a suppository and you can take it anally."
The next day the doctor calls Phillip and says, "Did it work?"
Philip says, "It worked too good. I woke up with my finger in my *******."


Lombardi says, "Doc, you gotta cure me of smoking. I'm smoking ten cigars a day."
The doctor says, "That's easy. Before you smoke a cigar, stick it far up your ass."
Two weeks later, Lombardi walks back into the doctor's office.
The doctor says, "Did you do what I told you?
Lombardi says, "Yeah."
The doctor says, "Did it cure you of smoking?"
Lombardi says, "Yeah. Now all you have to do is cure me of sticking cigars far up my ass."


How's your wife's pu**y like a warm toilet seat?
They both feel good, but you can't help wondering who was there before you.


Morris comes home and finds his wife crying.
She says, "I found out from Mrs. Goldberg that you're having an affair with your secretary. Why would you do that to me? I've always been a good wife. I've cooked for you, raised your children, and I've always been by your side for thirty-five years. What haven't I done to make you happy?"
Morris says, "It's true, Sadie, you've been the best wife a man could hope for. You make me happy in all ways but one. You never moan when we have sex."
Sadie says, "If I moaned when we have sex, you'd stop running around? All right, come to the bedroom so I can show you that I can moan during sex."
They go to the bedroom, get undressed, and climb in bed.
As they start kissing, Sadie says, "Now, Morris? Should I moan now?"
He says, "No, not yet."
He starts fondling her, and she says, "What about now? Should I moan now?"
He says, "No, I'll tell you when."
He climbs on top of her and starts banging her.
She says, "Is it time for me to moan now, Morris?"
He says, "Wait, wait ... I'll tell you when."
A few minutes later, just before he's going finish, he says, "Now, Sadie. Moan. Moan."
She says, "Oy, you wouldn't be-lieve what a day I had ... "


Schneider has an operation on his throat, and it's wired shut, so the only way he can get nourishment is to be force-fed with a machine that pumps food through a tube that's inserted deep in his ass. After three days of being fed that way, he calls for the nurse.
He says, "Nurse, is there another one of these machines in the hospital?"
She says, "Yes, sir."
He says, "Could you roll it in here?"
She says, "Of course, sir, but why?"
He says, "I want you to have lunch with me tomorrow."


Shire's on his couch making out with his date and he puts his hand under her skirt.
She says, "Please don't. My mother made me promise to never let a man put his hand under my skirt. But if you put your hand down my back, it's the second hole you come to."


Why do they put **** on the altar at an Italian wedding?
To keep the flies off the bride.


A guy takes a girl out for the first time and on the way home he pulls into a dark rest area.
She says, "My mother told me to say no to everything."
He says, "Would you mind sucking on my c**k?"


A businessman's going on a long trip and he has to take his secretary, who's really got the hots for him. The first night on the Amtrak, she's in the top bunk and he's in the bottom bunk.
She says, "Mr. Forsythe... Mr. Forsythe... I'm chilly... I think I need a blan-ket..."
He says, "Miss Axelrod, how'd you like to pretend you're Mrs. Forsythe for a little while?"
She says, "Oh, I'd like that."
He says, "Then get your own ****ing blanket."


Schmidlap's doctor tells him he's dying of cancer.
When he gets home, he says to his son, "You know, I've had a good long life. Let's not be sad, let's go down to the bar and celebrate my life."
They get to the bar, right away Schmidlap starts running into his friends, and one after the other he tells them he's dying of AIDS.
On the way home, Schmidlap's son says, "Pop, you're dying of cancer. Why'd you tell everybody you're dying of AIDS?"
"Because after I'm dead, I don't want 'em ****ing your mother."


A huge black man is thrown into Bruce's jail cell. He immediately pulls out his huge cock, bangs it against the bars and it leaves a dent.
He turns to Bruce and says, "I'm gonna stick this in yo' ass."
Bruce says, "Thank God. I thought you were gonna hit me with it."


Felix walks into his house and there's his best friend Ernie wildly ****ing his wife on the floor of the living room.
He says, "Sara! Ernie! I can't believe the two of you are doing this to me! My wife! My best friend! How could you ... you know, you could at least stop while I'm talking to you."


A lawyer goes to visit his client who's in jail.
He says, "I've got all the evidence I'll need to get you off. It's an open and shut case, don't worry about a thing. I'll need about a month to get the case together. Meanwhile, try to escape."


It's the NHL off-season. Reese and Crosby are in Pittsburgh putting a new roof on Crosby's mother's house when suddenly a breeze blows their ladder down and into a stream, which takes it away.
Crosby says, "Well, it's no sweat, because I know there's a pile of manure on the north side. I'll just leap into it."
Reese says, "Yuk! You're crazy."
Crosby jumps and Reese says, "Well, are you all right?"
Crosby says, "Yeah, I'm fine."
Reese says, "How deep is it?"
Crosby says, "Just up to my ankles."
So Reese figures what the hell, jumps off the roof into the manure, and it's up to his eyes.
He yells, "Crosby, what the **** were you telling me? This stuff's up to my eyes."
Crosby yells back, "Oh, I forgot to tell you, I jumped head first."


And finally;

Friedfeld gets in bed, reaches over for his wife, and she says, "I have a headache."
Friedfeld says, "Perfect. I just powdered my dick with aspirin. You want it orally or anally?"

 

[IfItFliesItDies]

A little girl and her teacher were having a discussion about whales. The teacher said that it is physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human, because even though a whale is very large, its throat is very small. The little girl said that, according to the Old Testament, it was a whale that swallowed Jonah. The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, as it is physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to Heaven I will ask Jonah."
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to Hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him!"