Joke of the day

[EnderMX]

Don't have a joke but this is pretty funny:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j58HfrGRr5s

It's called driving in chechnya

 

[swamper]

Einstein, Newton and Pascal are hanging out one afternoon. Einstein is bored so he suggests, "Let’s play hide-and-seek. I’ll be it!" and begins counting. Pascal runs off right away to find a place to hide. But Newton merely takes out a piece of chalk and draws a mid-sized square. He steps into the square just as Einstein shouts, "Ready or not – here I come!" Einstein looks up and immediately spots Newton standing right in front of him. He says, "I found you, Newton!" Newton replies, "No you found one Newton per square meter – You found Pascal!"

 

[Turn Key]

Sex in the shower

In a recent survey commissioned by President Obama, his supporters have proven to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower.

The survey was carried out for democrats by a leading soap and toiletries firm.

The results revealed that 86% of Obama supporters said that they have had sex in the shower.

The remaining 14% said they haven't been to prison yet.

Sort of brings tears to your eyes...

 

[Emperor]

Warning! These are funny! But they are dirty and some are down right filthy and disgusting; unless you understand blue humor and you are not hung up on some moral holier than-thou high horse.

If you are, do not stop at this post!

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that says, "Cheese Sandwich, five dollars...Chicken Sandwich, six dollars...Hand Job, twenty-five dollars."
He says to the barmaid, "You the one who gives the hand jobs?"
She says, "Yeah."
He says, "Wash your hands and make me a cheese sandwich."


The madame of a whore house is doing a bang-up business ... ho! So she decides to divide her reception area in half, so she'll have another bedroom.
A carpenter puts up a wall, and then tells her, "That'll be fifteen hundred bucks, lady."
She takes him by the hand, leads him into the new bedroom, takes off all of her clothes, and lies on the floor.
She says, "I don't have any cash, so I thought you might like to take it out in trade."
He gets down on the floor next to her, he puts his middle finger in her *******, his thumb in her snatch, and says, "All right, lady, give me my fifteen hundred bucks or I'm gonna rip out the partition."


What's it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?
They're hiring.


How can you tell the Jewish houses at Christmas time?
Parking meters on the roof.


What's the difference between Santa Claus and a bartender?
Santa Claus only has to look at eight assholes.


Here we are in nineteen sixty-one. There's a teen-age girl who's got to have every record that comes out. Every single record that comes out, she's gotta have a copy.
One day, she's on the beach, and she hears on her radio (singing) "Two lips, seven kisses ...two lips, seven kisses ..."
Well, she's got to have this record. She goes to the nearest phone and dials the record store as fast as she can. She dials so fast that she accidentally dials Ralph's Auto Body.
A guy answers and says, "Hello?"
She says, "Have you got Two Lips And Seven Kisses?"
The guy says, "No. I've got two balls and six inches."
She says, "Oh ... is that a new record?"
He says, "Nah. It's about average."


A guy's in a luncheonette, His kid's tossing a quarter in the air and catching it when it accidentally falls into his mouth. The kid starts choking and the guy starts shouting for help. A woman at the counter puts her coffee down and makes her way over to the kid. She drops the kid's pants, grabs his testicles, squeezes them and twists them firmly. The kid coughs up the quarter, the woman catches it, and hands it to the guy..
He says, "Wow ... thanks. Are you a doctor?"
She says, "No, a divorce lawyer."


graffiti:
"I'm black with eleven inches..."
underneath:
"I'm green with envy."


What food makes a woman lose her sex drive?
Wedding cake.


Santa comes down the chimney, and a beautiful blonde comes into the living room wearing a sexy negligee.
She says, "Hi, Santa. Want to sit and chat a while?"
He says, "Ho ho ho, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys out in the snow."
She comes over and gives him a hug and says, "Come on ... stay for a glass of champagne."
He says, "Ho ho ho, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys out in the snow."
She takes of the negligee', and all she has under it in a pair of sheer panties.
She says, "Come on, Santa, I'm so lonely ..."
He says, "Hey, hey, hey, gotta give you a kiss, I'll never get up the chimney with a hard-on like this."


A guy gets in a big barroom brawl and his jaw gets smashed up so badly that they have to wire it shut, so for a few weeks he has to be fed through his ass.
After a couple days, he says to the nurse (muffled), "Nurse, I can't stand it. I gotta have a cup of coffee. I gotta have a cup of coffee."
So the nurse gets a tube, sticks it up his ass, puts a funnel in the tube, and pours in the coffee.
The guy starts waggling around wildly, going "Unh! Unh!"
She says, "Is it too hot?"
He says, "No! It's too sweet!"


Three gay guys are talking at a wake.
The first guy says, "After he's cremated, I'd like to toss his ashes off a boat, because we had such fun sailing."
The second guy says, "After he's cremated, I'd like to spread his ashes on my garden, because he so loved when I brought him flowers."
The third guy says, "After he's cremated, I'd like to sprinkle his ashes on some hot chili so he could tear my ******* apart one more time."


A cop pulls a guy over and says, "Have you been drinking?"
The guy says, "Why? Is there a big fat pig sitting next to me?"


Here we are in an Irish bar. There's a bartender, and one guy at either end of the bar.
The guy at one end says to the guy at the other end, "So where're you from?"
The other guy answers, "Ireland."
The first guy says, "By God, I'm from Ireland. What part?"
The other guy says, "Dublin."
The first guy says, "By God, I'm from Dublin. What part o' Dublin?"
The other guy says, "Lancashire Town."
The first guy says, "By God, I'm from Lancashire Town. What street?"
The second guy says, "Green Street."
The first guy says, "By God, I'm on Green. What number Green?"
The other guy says, "Two fifteen."
The first guy says, "By God, I'm from two fifteen Green. What do you say we get out of here and go get a beer somewhere else?"
And the two of them leave.
A few minutes later, the owner walks in and says to the bartender, "Any business tonight?"
The bartender says, "Just those drunken O'Brien twins."


An old guy's in church with his wife when she says, "I just let a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"
He says, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."


Charlie picks up a woman in a bar. They get in his car, and they're going down a dirt road to Lover's Lane, when he gets a flat tire. He looks in the trunk, and his spare is flat, too. He figures, what the hell, he's gonna get a little bit. So they get in the back seat, and he's just getting off her blouse and her bra, when another car pulls up.
He gets out, and the other guy says, "Can I help you?"
Charlie says, "You sure can. I'll tell you what. If you'll let me use your car to go get my spare fixed, you can fool around with the babe in the back seat while I'm gone."
The guy says, "You're on."
The guy gives him the keys, Charlie puts his spare tire in the guy's trunk, and takes off. The guy gets in the back seat, hops on the girl, and they're just about to go to it when a police car pulls up.
The cop walks over, shines the flashlight into the back seat, and says, "What are you doing, mac?"
The guy says, "I'm just about to bang my wife, officer."
The cop says, "I'm sorry, pal, I didn't realize it was your wife."
The guy says, "Neither did I, 'til you shined your flashlight on her."



A honeymoon couple is lying in bed.
He says, "Come on, let's get it on."
She says, "Wait until the spirit moves me."
A few minutes later, he says, "Come on, let's get it on."
She says, "Wait until the spirit moves me."
A few minutes later, she says, "Honey ... the spirit moves me."
He says, "Well then let the spirit **** you. I jacked off."



A guy walks into a doctor's office and says, "Doc, you gotta help me. I've got a permanent hard-on. It was fun at first, but now it throbs. It's painful. You gotta help me."
The guy pulls down his pants and he's got a huge erection...a midget could do chin-ups on this cock. The doctor takes two fingers, smacks! the guy's dick, a bug jumps off, and his dick goes limp.
The guy says, "Gee, Doc, that's great. What do I owe you?"
The doctor says, "If you help me find that bug, you don't owe me nothing."


A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry reveals that the kind of male face a woman that a woman finds attractive differs depending on the stage of her menstrual cycle.
If a woman is ovulating, she's attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.
However, if she's pre-menstrual, or menstruating, or menopausal, she's more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple and a bat jammed far up his ass who's on fire.


A woman's cleaning her teenage son's room when she finds an S&M magazine.
She tells her husband, and says, "What should we do?"
He says, "I'm pretty sure we shouldn't spank him."


A Polish guy's walking along, and he sees a sign, "Riverboat Ride - Seventy-Five Dollars." He pays his money, and the guy walks behind him, clanks! him on the head with a wrench, puts him in an inner-tube, and floats him down the river.
A black guy comes walking along, and sees the same sign, "Riverboat Ride - Seventy-Five Dollars." He pays his money, and the guy walks behind him, clanks! him on the head with a wrench, puts him in an inner-tube, and floats him down the river.
A few miles down the river, the two inner-tubes float up next to each other.
The black guy turns to the Polish guy, and he says, "Well, God-damn! What kind of riverboat ride was that? They didn't even serve no liquor!"
The Polish guy says, "They didn't serve any last year, either."

 

[I_FLY_LOW]

LMAO Those were great!

 

[Emperor]

Warning! Some are salty!

A young family moves into a new house, and one day a construction crew starts building a house on the empty lot next door. The family's five-year-old daughter spends so much of her time watching the workers that eventually the crew more or less adopts her as a kind of their project mascot. They chat with her, let her sit with them while they have coffee and lunch, and give her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. And at the end of the first week, they present her with a pay envelope with a couple of dollars in it. The little girl takes it home and shows it to her mother.Her mother says, "Sweetheart, tomorrow we'll take your pay to the bank so you can start a savings account."
When they get to the bank, the teller's impressed, and says, "How'd a little girl like you get her very own pay check at such a young age?"
The little girl says, "I worked last week with the crew building the house next door to us."
The teller says, "That's wonderful. And will you be working on the house again this week?"
The little girl says, "I will if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the ****ing sheet rock."


A woman met a man in a bar. They talked; they connected; they ended up leaving together....They got back to his place, and as he showed her around his apartment. she noticed that one wall of his bedroom was completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There were three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along the bottom shelf. Medium-sized bears covered the length of the middle shelf. And huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of teddy bears. She was quite impressed by his sensitive side. but didn't mention this to him.
They shared a bottle of wine and continued talking and, after awhile, she found herself thinking, Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children? She turned to him and kissed him lightly on the lips. He responded warmly. They continued to kiss, the passion built, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carried her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and made hot, steamy love. She was so overwhelmed that she responded with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she had ever known. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they were lying there together in the afterglow.
The woman rolled over, gently stroked his chest and asked coyly, Well, how was it? The guy gently smiled at her, stroked her cheek, looked deeply into her eyes, and said: Help yourself to any prize on the middle shelf'.

Schultz meets his blind date in a bar and they wind up back in his apartment.
The next morning, he says, "How was it?"
She says, "I guess you were all right. To tell you the truth, I wasn't too happy with the size of your organ."
The guy says,"Well, to tell you the truth, I didn't know I was going to be playing in a ****ing cathedral."

What's the best thing about having sex with yourself?
When you want a thumb up your ass, you don't have to ask.


A salesman's in town, goes into a bar, asks the bartender where to get some action, and the bartender points to a woman at the end of the bar.
He has a few drinks, and then gets up and walks down and says to the woman, "How much for a hand job?"
She says, "Three hundred bucks."
He says, "Three hundred bucks for a hand job?"
She says, "Yeah, but it'll be the best hand job you ever had."
He figures, "What the ****," and they go out back.
When they come back in, he's saying to himself, "Damn, that was the best hand job I ever had."
After a few more drinks, he goes over to her and says, "How much for a blow job?"
She says "A thousand dollars."
He says, "A thousand dollars for a blow job?"
She says, "Yeah, but this blow job'll be so good you'll tell your grandchildren about it."
He figures, "What the ****," and they go out back.
When they come back in, he's saying to himself, "Damn, that was the best blow job I ever had."
After a few more drinks, he walks over and says, "How much to ****?"
She says, "Look, you see this diamond ring?"
He says, "Yeah."
She says, "Six carats. My hand jobs paid for this ring. See that Porsche parked in front out there?"
He says, "Yeah."
She says, "A hundred and twenty-five thousand bucks. My blow jobs paid for that Porsche. See that building across the street?"
He says, "Yeah."
She says, "Well, if I had a ****, I'd own that, too."

 

[K9CopSGT]

A friend of mine just started his own business in Afghanistan .
He's making land mines that look like prayer mats.
It's doing well.
He says prophets are going through the roof.

 

[Mojo Rider]

HOW TO START A FIGHT

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

________________________________


My husband and I were watching Who Wants To Be a Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to him and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' he answered. I then said,

'Is that your final answer?'

He didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

________________________________


My husband and I were sitting at a table at his high school reunion, and he kept staring at a drunken woman swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked him, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," he sighed,

"She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

________________________________


When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, I kept hinting to him that he should get it fixed. But, somehow he always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to do. Finally I thought of a clever way
to make my point.

When he arrived home one day, I was seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. He watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. He was gone only a minute, and when he came out again he handed me a toothbrush and
said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say he will walk again, but will always have a limp.

______________________________


I sat down next to my husband as he was flipping channels.

I asked, "What's on TV?"

He said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

________________________________



After retiring, my husband went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's License to verify his age.

He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry, but would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So he opened his shirt revealing his curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed his Social Security application.

When he got home, excitedly telling me about his experience at the Social Security office. I said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...

________________________________


I was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

Not happy with what I saw, I told my husband,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

He replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started........

________________________________


I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said, 'I am NOT Happy!'

So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.

 

[cableguy]

What's the difference between a joke and 3 cocks?

Your mother can't take a joke!

 

[cajunranger]

What's the difference between a joke and 3 cocks?

Your mother can't take a joke!

 

[Unclee1]

The Farmer and the Skinny Dippers

www.arts-stew.com/humor-2/growing-old-2/the-farmer-and-the-skinny-dippers/

 

[I_FLY_LOW]

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband’s libido.
‘What about trying Viagra?’ asked the doctor.
‘Not a chance’, she said. ‘He won’t even take an aspirin.’
‘Not a problem,’ replied the doctor. ‘Give him an ‘Irish Viagra’. It’s when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won’t even taste it, give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went..’
It wasn’t a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, ‘Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T’was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!’
‘Really? What happened?’ asked the doctor…
‘Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye
and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!’
‘Why so terrible?’ asked the doctor, ‘ Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn’t good?’
‘Freakin’ jaysus, ’twas the best sex I’ve had in 25 years! But sure as I’m sittin’ here, I’ll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again.

 

[cableguy]

Awesome!

 

[mforsta]

Ear Infection

This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are
there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and
sometimes it is embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you
tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.

I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old
guy handled it.

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached
the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for
today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a
crowded waiting room and say things like that. '

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in
this room full of people. You should have said there is something
wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further
with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of
strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out,
waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken
her advice.. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't **** out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter...

Don't mess with old folks!!!!!!

 

[LACamper]

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside
Washington, DC. Nothing was moving. Suddenly, a man
knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped Congress, and they're asking for a
$100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse
them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from
car to car, collecting donations."

"How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks.

The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."

 

[Kraut]

The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were all very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on salesmanship. Little Sally led off. "I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30" she said proudly, "my sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success." "Very good", said the teacher.
Little Debbie was next. "I sold magazines" she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events." "Very good, Debbie", said the teacher.


Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467", he said. "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?" Toothbrushes", said Little Johnny. "Toothbrushes", echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?" "I found the busiest corner in town", said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and I gave everybody who walked by a free sample."


They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog poop!" Then I would say, "It is dog poop. Wanna buy a toothbrush? I used the President Obama method of giving you some crap, dressing it up so it looks good, telling you it's free and then making you pay to get the bad taste out of your mouth."


Little Johnny got five stars for his assignment. Bless his heart.

 

[JBP55]

The biggest joke on BS is the current firearms classifieds.

 

[Neil09]

The biggest joke on BS is the current firearms classifieds.

No truer words have been posted on BS.

 

[Bayoupiper]

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up.

The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never
felt better I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.
What do you think about that?"
The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season.
One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a
hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang'.
Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.
What do you think of that?"
The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds
into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."



.

 

[returningliberty]

Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in The Act. Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?" Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"