Why would you want kids?

[Captain_Morgan]

Looking to my own father, as he nears retirement age, he is nowhere near able to retire because of me. He owns a company and does manual labor. It is very taxing on a mid 50's man like himself. Yet because he had me and helped me financially and with his time through life, that is his position. Now, I am leaving to move to another state, and while I know he loves me, and is proud of me, I would neither blame him, nor be surprised in the years to come if he didn't regret having a child in some corner of his mind when he considers his finances and location in life relative to his age. If I ever do want to have children, it will be when everything save my house is payed off, and I can afford anything reasonable thrown at me. Certainly not now.

As with anything in life, there are risks and rewards associated with every decision you make. Many are nearly negligible, but some such as child rearing are quite significant. It's completely up the owner of genetic material to use it as he/she sees fit.

From your above post, it sounds like you feel guilty. You should not ever feel guilty for anything outside of your own control. To that point, I think it's very noble of you to think something like this through so thoroughly, especially when we have so many people negligently popping out kids.

 

[JWG223]

As with anything in life, there are risks and rewards associated with every decision you make. Many are nearly negligible, but some such as child rearing are quite significant. It's completely up the owner of genetic material to use it as he/she sees fit.

From your above post, it sounds like you feel guilty. You should not ever feel guilty for anything outside of your own control. To that point, I think it's very noble of you to think something like this through so thoroughly, especially when we have so many people negligently popping out kids.

I suppose I do feel guilty, a bit, but I feel no need to apologize for the actions of others (my father and mother). I simply feel like my father gave up quite a bit for me, and I am very thankful and feel a bit bad for not being more of a family type guy. I am just not really "into family". I avoid most gatherings, etc. Not that I dislike the people who attend them, I am just not a huge social creature, and prefer my own company most of the time. Even when really good friends are in town, I have a limit for them staying over before I feel "smothered" by company.

 

[XD-GEM]

Maybe you should have titled this thread 'Why should I Want Kids?'

260th answer nails it.

 

[JWG223]

Maybe you should have titled this thread 'Why should I Want Kids?'

That's a very good observation, but noone here knows me very well, really, and I was hoping instead to see their reasoning, prod it a bit, have them prod back at my reasoning, and see if I found a common identifiable desire for children that I could resonate with. Probably equally as flawed, but that's just the breaks when you post up about life advice on the internet. Grain of salt and all.

 

[swagge1]

I feel the need to chime in because I haven't seen another opinion like mine. I had, and have, some of the same opinions as others. I dated my wife for around 3 years, we lived together a year and got married because to me it was the "next step". I was neutral about kids, but I agreed to have one becuase it was the "next step". The first few months after he was born I swore I'd never have another one. 16 months later and now im back to neutral. Im not one of those people who constantly goes around saying how my kid is my world. My son is a great child. Sleeps 11 hours, eats well, no major illness, and very happy. To me having a wife and kid is ok. I don't feel like my life is any more fullfilled with a wife and kid. Its nice to come home and have them glad to see me, and its fun to watch my son grow up, but to me its not the ultimate measure of happiness. I grew up in a loving hosehold, am Catholic, and am very well off financially. 3 cars paid for, house paid off in less than 5 years, toys, 4o1K, Roth,... I realize that I am very blessed and have achieved what many in their 50's still havent. Im hoping that in the coming years my son will help me feel more fullfilled and that there is more to life. Maybe the OP can relate.

 

[my-rifle]

I understand that my mind might change, and I am trying to look inside myself to see if it will. Will I ever know until I have crossed the years to that place? No, I won't, but trying to know myself better is never a bad thing. I am planning a vasectomy in a few years if the soul-searching does not bring me to the point that I would want a child.

This thread has been very eye opening to me. I have seen a few people who are happy with their families, and glad. I have seen a few people who feel that it was a mistake, and I have seen many more people who are angry and lash out at me, which could mean many things, but it certainly is not a strong indicator to me of any personal joy in their lives, and I don't want whatever it is they have that makes them so.

Trying to figure out who you're going to be in the future is impossible. You can't predict the experiences that are going to create the person you're going to become. How was I supposed to know that the pot-head girlfriend I had in 94 was going to be the catalyst that started me on the path to home ownership (homo ner-ship?) How would I have foreseen that my desire to deal pot would have taught me how to run my own business? Or that deciding to not pay taxes one year would teach me so much about laws and accounting? All these things, the people who crossed my path, the travails I bounced off of, the bad investments I learned from all contributed to the man I am now, and there is no way in hell I could have guessed they would happen back when I was in my 20s.

As for the vasectomy, you will almost certainly regret it if you do it.

 

[JWG223]

Trying to figure out who you're going to be in the future is impossible. You can't predict the experiences that are going to create the person you're going to become. How was I supposed to know that the pot-head girlfriend I had in 94 was going to be the catalyst that started me on the path to home ownership (homo ner-ship?) How would I have foreseen that my desire to deal pot would have taught me how to run my own business? Or that deciding to not pay taxes one year would teach me so much about laws and accounting? All these things, the people who crossed my path, the travails I bounced off of, the bad investments I learned from all contributed to the man I am now, and there is no way in hell I could have guessed they would happen back when I was in my 20s.

As for the vasectomy, you will almost certainly regret it if you do it.

My life isn't very abstract in that way. I have not done anything "unpredictable" based off of other experiences, I mean. I tend to be very goal-oriented, methodical, and move from one thing to another, either achieving it or deeming it unachievable at a cost I am willing to pay.

Regarding your opinion on vasectomy, did you get one and regret it, know people who have and most do, ???

 

[JWG223]

I feel the need to chime in because I haven't seen another opinion like mine. I had, and have, some of the same opinions as others. I dated my wife for around 3 years, we lived together a year and got married because to me it was the "next step". I was neutral about kids, but I agreed to have one becuase it was the "next step". The first few months after he was born I swore I'd never have another one. 16 months later and now im back to neutral. Im not one of those people who constantly goes around saying how my kid is my world. My son is a great child. Sleeps 11 hours, eats well, no major illness, and very happy. To me having a wife and kid is ok. I don't feel like my life is any more fullfilled with a wife and kid. Its nice to come home and have them glad to see me, and its fun to watch my son grow up, but to me its not the ultimate measure of happiness. I grew up in a loving hosehold, am Catholic, and am very well off financially. 3 cars paid for, house paid off in less than 5 years, toys, 4o1K, Roth,... I realize that I am very blessed and have achieved what many in their 50's still havent. Im hoping that in the coming years my son will help me feel more fullfilled and that there is more to life. Maybe the OP can relate.

I think that is about how I would feel, albeit less well off. When I date, for example, there are things I like and things I don't. Usually I wish I were single again but "this is okay and breakups are stressful". When I am single, I think "I wish I had someone, but I also remember how that sucked in many ways, so it's not worth looking to change. This is fine."

 

[my-rifle]

My life isn't very abstract in that way. I have not done anything "unpredictable" based off of other experiences, I mean. I tend to be very goal-oriented, methodical, and move from one thing to another, either achieving it or deeming it unachievable at a cost I am willing to pay.

Regarding your opinion on vasectomy, did you get one and regret it, know people who have and most do, ???

No, my point is that you have no way of knowing what's going to come into your life. These things will have effects on your life, and some will have big effects - a love affair, death of a loved one, a financial disaster, etc. You will discover opportunities you didn't know about before. You just never know.

As for the vasectomy thing, yes I do know people who've done it. Most did so after having children, but I've known three people who did it, so they could have unprotected sex without implications. Two were women, and both regretted their inability to have children. The other was a close male friend of mine. He and his wife ended up adopting, because they wanted to conceive children, but he couldn't participate. The adoption cost a fortune, and though adoptive parents generally love their adoptive children, I think almost everyone feels differently towards their own blood than they do to an adoptive child. It's an instinctive feeling that one must experience to understand.

 

[JWG223]

No, my point is that you have no way of knowing what's going to come into your life. These things will have effects on your life, and some will have big effects - a love affair, death of a loved one, a financial disaster, etc. You will discover opportunities you didn't know about before. You just never know.
You're right, but I don't want one of those unforeseeable events to be an accidental child. To me, that is the penalty for not handling this vasectomy thing in a timely manner. So it's a gamble...remain uncut and chance a mistake, or get cut, and chance regret. Total "on the fence" issue for me.

As for the vasectomy thing, yes I do know people who've done it. Most did so after having children, but I've known three people who did it, so they could have unprotected sex without implications. Two were women, and both regretted their inability to have children. The other was a close male friend of mine. He and his wife ended up adopting, because they wanted to conceive children, but he couldn't participate. The adoption cost a fortune, and though adoptive parents generally love their adoptive children, I think almost everyone feels differently towards their own blood than they do to an adoptive child. It's an instinctive feeling that one must experience to understand.

I would not get a vasectomy just to have unprotected sex. I would want a vasectomy to prevent against accidents. I know people who have had all manner of contraceptives fail. I know the vasectomy can fail, too, but it's just one more "layer", and a very good one, at that! Further, it can be a great insurance in fidelity. The whole "someone else shot the tiger" thing applies here. It's not exactly something I would tell a girl about for a while.

I, too, know someone who adopted. I think they seem a little bit "different" than biological parents. They seem to view it as more work for the same task than biological parents that I know. But this person is also a bit different, too. I did not like them when I met them, and I usually have a very good feel for someone very quickly and can spot those who are going to rub me the wrong way pretty early on and just avoid them, so maybe it's my perception and they are normal as can be, but there is no smile to their tired expression, no-matter what their words tell me, when they mention being up late with their baby.

The only guy I know who has no kids and has a vasectomy is married, has a weird obsession with his "fur children" (2 Westies), and is about as happy of a married man as I have ever met. Everyone liked him, he had a way with people that I wish I did, and he never had a harsh word for anyone. His marriage seemed good, and I never heard him EVER say that he couldn't do/wasn't able/would have to check/ before doing something, due to his wife. The only thing he said was that he spent his off-time pretty much 100% with her. He only said this once, and only to explain what he did on his off-time. It didn't sound like a cry of being trapped, but more like someone explaining a model airplane hobby or something. It sounded like he was pleased to be doing so. I genuinely think that he has a good and happy marriage based on every indicator I can think of. He knew himself, got cut, and right now does not regret it. Still, he is younger, and there is time for regret. Noone knows the future, as you say.

 

[Cat]

Nevermind… Not worth it.

 

[Company Man]

I agree with you about most of your post. What I mean by them not turning out well is me putting all of that love, caring, time, energy into another person (my child) and it ending up like most marriages where you put the same into them. Horrible. Let me tell you about the kids I hear about most of time...

Kid 1: Forced to rat on druggies because he got busted. In the witness protection program and has death-threats.
Kid 2: Assaulted my uncle, ungrateful for anything, failing at school, work, everything.
Kid 3: Lives with my father, steals from him, got busted stealing from Wal-mart. Stole a .22 rifle I owned that I kept at my father's. Failure at school. Quite his job.
Kid 4: Assaults his wife, constantly in trouble with the police.

These are the kids I most hear about at work, and from my family. Think I want to deal with that? I guess I'm not that self-less and loving. I would never choose it, but if I had a child and they turned out that way...

Kid 5: 18 years old, graduated high school, studies Krav Maga, proficient in Brazilian Jujitsu, can out shoot most people with pistols or rifles (just ask anyone who has seen him shoot), Can build AR's, can tear down everything from a BB gun to a M82a2, He is polite, courteous, doesn't curse in public, respects the elderly, loves kids, loves animals, doesn't wear saggin' pants or hat on sideways, doesn't look for trouble, respects the U.S. flag, freshman at SELU studying Criminal Justice because he wants to help other people.
Kid #5 is mine and there are millions like him out there( but I think mine is the best), you only know or hear about the shitheads in the news or unfortunately around you it seems.

 

[dawg23]

Religion: Pass, I'm not into it.

Politics: Pass, it's all lies from both sides, I have personal beliefs and vote in best accordance with them.

Dating: Pass, BTDT, and most have diseases, are bitches, or just want money, or a myriad of other stuff I don't want to mess with.

Employment: I am good at what I do, and I am 100% reliable (I have never called in sick, I have never not shown up when I should have.) I have also never been promoted, nor is there room for promotion or the desire for it, in my field.

Yeah, I cut tons of chics off just because I get some vibe I don't like, and I can get those vibes from across the room. Across a football stadium. I really just don't care much about them unless they are seriously into me, and they aren't, because they know I care more about making a life for myself through my career, owning a home, and all sorts of things that don't involve them, and the good one's want a guy who will include them more than I care to. Also, a lot of people I know actually do have herpes. If I ever caught it, I would probably not have a dry spell at all, because I can find tons of great girls who have herpes, and know a few locally. It's about like the cold. before I got tested, my MD said "You know 80% of the population is positive for one of these three, right? (HSV1,HSV2,HIV). Yeah, much more likely (20%) that she has herpes than a penis...

I don't do risk without serious reward. Like I said, I am not a gambler if I can help it.

Were you an only child ?

 

[JWG223]

Were you an only child ?

Yes. I wanted a little brother until it was explained to me that I wouldn't have anything else if I did. Economics just wouldn't support a second child or instead of 2nd hand decent clothing and bargain-priced no-brand clothing that didn't fit well and got me made fun of at school, and what I did have, I would have nothing and 3rd hand clothing, basically. To an 8 year old, that sounded crappy, so I was cool with being an only child after that little sit-down.

 

[Request Dust Off]

I asked my parents if I could have some nice clothes. They told me to kill one of my siblings. They gave me a dull knife & a sharpener. I had to choose while sharpening a knife. That was a chilling sitdown. Now I am really good at sharpening knives. So I guess some good came from it. Plus my parents & remaining siblings don't **** with my sharp dressed ass. If any body needs to know how to get blood out of Micarta PM me. My dad was awesome too. I made him sell a Volvo.

 

[225todd]

I think that is about how I would feel, albeit less well off. When I date, for example, there are things I like and things I don't. Usually I wish I were single again but "this is okay and breakups are stressful". When I am single, I think "I wish I had someone, but I also remember how that sucked in many ways, so it's not worth looking to change. This is fine."

Don't even worry about a child until you find the woman that you want to have a child with. When I dated my wife I realized that she was someone I could be in a "team" with. She had many of my values, didn't give up easily, is well educated and is compassionate among many other things. I didn't know if I wanted to have children either, but after we were together for some time I wanted to start a family with her. I've loved every minute of it. It's not always easy. I've spent nights on the couch griping to myself, but we've both fought through the hard times and strengthened ourselves as a couple instead of giving up on it because we didn't collectively get it exactly "our way". When you find somebody worth the fight, then your mind may change about children. Until then don't worry about it.

 

[dawg23]

I'm impressed. Seven pages fueled by a guy who is clearly trying to deal with emotional issues rooted in an unhappy childhood.

Group therapy w/ guns nuts = (hopefully) viable solution.

 

[my-rifle]

I'm impressed. Seven pages fueled by a guy who is clearly trying to deal with emotional issues rooted in an unhappy childhood.

Group therapy w/ guns nuts = (hopefully) viable solution.

It's because we care.

 

[dawg23]

It's because we care.

That's good.
Like Hillary said, It takes village.

 

[skimmer700]

So I have more eyes in the deer stand!