Joke of the day
- Thread starter CEHollier
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returningliberty
Well-Known Member
I lol'ed pretty hard myself :P
I know it's long but it's pretty funny:
In this horrible economy Boudreaux and Thibodeaux loose their jobs at the panty hose factory. So they decide to go down to the unemployment office. Boudreaux's name gets called first and he goes in and talks to the unemployment lady. The lady says Boudreux let me ask you "so what did you do down at the factory"? He said "I was the top maintenance man there, I could fix any machine if it broke down". "Oh she says, that sounds like a pretty important job". She then says "ok we can get you $250 a week on unemployment". Boudreaux happily says "thank you ma'am" and walks out. Next Thibidoueux goes in to speak to the lady. The lady asks Thibidoueux "so what did you do at the factory"? Thibidoueux replies "I was a dieselfitter". "Oh wow says the lady, that sounds like a really important job". She then says "ok we can get you $350 a week on unemployment". Thibidoueux was so happy he ran out the office and showed Boudreaux he says "look Boudreaux I'm gonna more now then I did when I was working"! Boudreaux was pissed he walks back into the ladies office and he says "hey how does Thibidoueux get more money than I do, I had a skilled position at the factory"? The lady said "his job sounded like more of a skilled position than yours". Boudreaux said "no all he did was sit at the end of the assembly line and put the panty hose on his head and said "yep deezle fit her"!
In this horrible economy Boudreaux and Thibodeaux loose their jobs at the panty hose factory. So they decide to go down to the unemployment office. Boudreaux's name gets called first and he goes in and talks to the unemployment lady. The lady says Boudreux let me ask you "so what did you do down at the factory"? He said "I was the top maintenance man there, I could fix any machine if it broke down". "Oh she says, that sounds like a pretty important job". She then says "ok we can get you $250 a week on unemployment". Boudreaux happily says "thank you ma'am" and walks out. Next Thibidoueux goes in to speak to the lady. The lady asks Thibidoueux "so what did you do at the factory"? Thibidoueux replies "I was a dieselfitter". "Oh wow says the lady, that sounds like a really important job". She then says "ok we can get you $350 a week on unemployment". Thibidoueux was so happy he ran out the office and showed Boudreaux he says "look Boudreaux I'm gonna more now then I did when I was working"! Boudreaux was pissed he walks back into the ladies office and he says "hey how does Thibidoueux get more money than I do, I had a skilled position at the factory"? The lady said "his job sounded like more of a skilled position than yours". Boudreaux said "no all he did was sit at the end of the assembly line and put the panty hose on his head and said "yep deezle fit her"!
Warning! If you are light in the loafers or virginal in the corneas, stay clear!
A guy's tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth when his wife asks him a question. As he turns to answer, the peanut falls into his ear. He tries to dig it out, but that only pushes it in deeper, so they decide to go to the hospital. As they're about to leave, their daughter comes in with her date.
After they explain, the daughter's date says, "I can get the peanut out."
He shoves two fingers into the father's nose, and says, "Blow hard."
The father blows, and the peanut flies out of his ear.
The mother turns to the father and says, "Isn't he smart? I wonder what he plans to be."
The father says, "From the smell of his fingers, I'd say our son-in-law."
A couple's honeymooning in Tijuana, and as they're checking into their hotel, the clerk pulls the guy to the side and says, "Senor, please beware of Speedy Gonzales, the horniest Mexican thees side of The Rio Grande. He is known to be in the area, and he ees famous for fooling around with other men's womens in the blink of an eye."
The guy comes up with a simple solution...he figures he'll sleep with his finger in his new bride. In the middle of the night, a fly lands on his nose and he brings up his hand to shoo it away.
After he sticks his finger back in, he hears, "Senor, I am Speedy Gonzales, the horniest Mexican thees side of The Rio Grande. Please take your feenger out of my *******."
McIntyre dies, and at the funeral, his widow's standing at his casket as everyone passes by.
One neighbor says, "It's a shame McIntyre's gone."
She says, "Yeah, it's a pity. He died of gonorrhea," and her son looks over at her.
The next guy says, "I'm sorry McIntyre's passed on."
She says, "Thank you. He was taken by gonorrhea."
Her son grabs her and whispers, "Ma, Pop didn't die of gonorrhea. He died of diarrhea."
She says, "Yeah, I know. But I'd much rather they think he went out as a sport, rather than the **** that he was."
What's the difference between jelly & jam?
You can't jelly your cock down a woman's throat.
The firemen finally get a huge fire under control, and the chief has all of his men accounted for, except for McClure and Sabean. After a few minutes' search, the chief looks down an alley, and there's Sabean, with his pants down to his ankles, leaning over a garbage can, and McClure's ****ing him in the ass.
The chief says, "What the hell is going on?"
McClure says, "Sabean passed out from smoke inhalation."
The chief says, "Smoke inhalation? You're supposed to give him mouth to mouth resuscitation."
McClure says, "I did, chief. That's what led to this."
A kid says, "Pop, what's the difference between theory and reality?"
His father says, "Go ask your mother if she'd have sex with the mailman for a million dollars."
The kid comes back and says, "She said yes."
His father says, "Go ask your sister if she'd have sex with the neighbor for a million dollars."
The kid comes back and says, "She said yes."
His father says, "Okay. So, in theory, we're rich. The reality is, we live with a couple of whores."
An Italian guy, a Jewish guy and a Polish guy are talking about their daughters.
The Italian guy says "I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day and I found a pack of cigarettes. I didn't even know she smoked."
The Jewish guy says, "That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day and I found a full bottle of Vodka. I didn't even know she drank."
The Polish guy says, "That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day and I found a box of condoms. I didn't even know she had a cock."
A guy's fingering his big fat girlfriend.
She says, "Would you take off your ring? It's scratching me."
He says, "That's not my ring. It's my wristwatch."
The Sex Ed. teacher is showing her sixth-grade class the penis.
A little girl raises her hand and says, "My daddy has two of those."
The teacher says, "Two? Are you sure, young lady?"
She says, "Yep. The little one that he uses to pee, and the big one that he uses to brush the babysitter's teeth."
A guy goes to see his doctor for an exam.
The doctor says, "Pull down your pants, I'm going to check your prostate."
After a few minutes, the guy says, "Doc, why don't you pull your finger out of my ass and stop ****ing around?"
The doctor says, "That's not my finger, and I'm not ****ing around."
Why didn't Hitler drink vodka?
It made him mean.
A college professor's going to bed with his wife.
He's not that tired, so he's gonna stay awake and read while she goes to sleep. So he's reading, and every once in a while he (reach over and tickle her twat) reaches over and tickles her on the fun spot...kitza kitza...
She says, "Will you stop that! Will you stop reaching over here and teasing me like that?"
He says, "I'm not teasing you. I'm wetting my fingers so I can turn the page."
Why'd the husband stop having anal sex with his wife?
Every night it was the same ****.
A new guy in town is walking with his neighbor when they see two women walking towards them.
The new guy says, "****, I'd better hide. Here comes my wife, and she's with the woman I've been ****ing on the side."
The neighbor says, "Wow ... that's what I was going to say."
A lady says to her husband, "Arnie, I want breast implants."
He says, "We can't afford it. Go grab a wad of toilet paper and rub it up and down between your ****."
She says, "Will it make them bigger?"
He says, "It worked on your ass."
A guy says to his wife, "Have you been sucking off the dog?"
She says, "Why do you ask?"
He says, "Because every time you yawn he gets a hard-on."
A woman gets out of the shower, slips, and falls so hard that a vacuum is created in her ***** when she lands spread-eagled on the floor, and she gets stuck. Her husband tries to lift her up but she won't budge. He goes next door and gets the neighbor, and both of them pull like oxen, but she just won't move.
The neighbor says, "Let's get a hammer and break the tiles up around her legs, and then we can lift her up."
Her husband says, "That's a good idea. But first I'll rub her **** and pinch her nipples to get her aroused."
The neighbor says, "Why would you do that?"
The husband says, "It'll get her lubed up so we can slide her into the kitchen ... the tiles are much cheaper in there."
One gay guy says to another gay guy, "Oooo ... your chest is so hairy..."
The second one says, "Itt's because I put Vaseline on it every night."
The first one says, "That can't be true ... if it was, I'd have a ponytail growing out of my ass."
A guy walks into a store.
He says to the salesgirl, "I want to buy some toilet paper."
She says, "What color?"
He says, "Give me white. I'll color it myself."
A guy's tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth when his wife asks him a question. As he turns to answer, the peanut falls into his ear. He tries to dig it out, but that only pushes it in deeper, so they decide to go to the hospital. As they're about to leave, their daughter comes in with her date.
After they explain, the daughter's date says, "I can get the peanut out."
He shoves two fingers into the father's nose, and says, "Blow hard."
The father blows, and the peanut flies out of his ear.
The mother turns to the father and says, "Isn't he smart? I wonder what he plans to be."
The father says, "From the smell of his fingers, I'd say our son-in-law."
A couple's honeymooning in Tijuana, and as they're checking into their hotel, the clerk pulls the guy to the side and says, "Senor, please beware of Speedy Gonzales, the horniest Mexican thees side of The Rio Grande. He is known to be in the area, and he ees famous for fooling around with other men's womens in the blink of an eye."
The guy comes up with a simple solution...he figures he'll sleep with his finger in his new bride. In the middle of the night, a fly lands on his nose and he brings up his hand to shoo it away.
After he sticks his finger back in, he hears, "Senor, I am Speedy Gonzales, the horniest Mexican thees side of The Rio Grande. Please take your feenger out of my *******."
McIntyre dies, and at the funeral, his widow's standing at his casket as everyone passes by.
One neighbor says, "It's a shame McIntyre's gone."
She says, "Yeah, it's a pity. He died of gonorrhea," and her son looks over at her.
The next guy says, "I'm sorry McIntyre's passed on."
She says, "Thank you. He was taken by gonorrhea."
Her son grabs her and whispers, "Ma, Pop didn't die of gonorrhea. He died of diarrhea."
She says, "Yeah, I know. But I'd much rather they think he went out as a sport, rather than the **** that he was."
What's the difference between jelly & jam?
You can't jelly your cock down a woman's throat.
The firemen finally get a huge fire under control, and the chief has all of his men accounted for, except for McClure and Sabean. After a few minutes' search, the chief looks down an alley, and there's Sabean, with his pants down to his ankles, leaning over a garbage can, and McClure's ****ing him in the ass.
The chief says, "What the hell is going on?"
McClure says, "Sabean passed out from smoke inhalation."
The chief says, "Smoke inhalation? You're supposed to give him mouth to mouth resuscitation."
McClure says, "I did, chief. That's what led to this."
A kid says, "Pop, what's the difference between theory and reality?"
His father says, "Go ask your mother if she'd have sex with the mailman for a million dollars."
The kid comes back and says, "She said yes."
His father says, "Go ask your sister if she'd have sex with the neighbor for a million dollars."
The kid comes back and says, "She said yes."
His father says, "Okay. So, in theory, we're rich. The reality is, we live with a couple of whores."
An Italian guy, a Jewish guy and a Polish guy are talking about their daughters.
The Italian guy says "I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day and I found a pack of cigarettes. I didn't even know she smoked."
The Jewish guy says, "That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day and I found a full bottle of Vodka. I didn't even know she drank."
The Polish guy says, "That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day and I found a box of condoms. I didn't even know she had a cock."
A guy's fingering his big fat girlfriend.
She says, "Would you take off your ring? It's scratching me."
He says, "That's not my ring. It's my wristwatch."
The Sex Ed. teacher is showing her sixth-grade class the penis.
A little girl raises her hand and says, "My daddy has two of those."
The teacher says, "Two? Are you sure, young lady?"
She says, "Yep. The little one that he uses to pee, and the big one that he uses to brush the babysitter's teeth."
A guy goes to see his doctor for an exam.
The doctor says, "Pull down your pants, I'm going to check your prostate."
After a few minutes, the guy says, "Doc, why don't you pull your finger out of my ass and stop ****ing around?"
The doctor says, "That's not my finger, and I'm not ****ing around."
Why didn't Hitler drink vodka?
It made him mean.
A college professor's going to bed with his wife.
He's not that tired, so he's gonna stay awake and read while she goes to sleep. So he's reading, and every once in a while he (reach over and tickle her twat) reaches over and tickles her on the fun spot...kitza kitza...
She says, "Will you stop that! Will you stop reaching over here and teasing me like that?"
He says, "I'm not teasing you. I'm wetting my fingers so I can turn the page."
Why'd the husband stop having anal sex with his wife?
Every night it was the same ****.
A new guy in town is walking with his neighbor when they see two women walking towards them.
The new guy says, "****, I'd better hide. Here comes my wife, and she's with the woman I've been ****ing on the side."
The neighbor says, "Wow ... that's what I was going to say."
A lady says to her husband, "Arnie, I want breast implants."
He says, "We can't afford it. Go grab a wad of toilet paper and rub it up and down between your ****."
She says, "Will it make them bigger?"
He says, "It worked on your ass."
A guy says to his wife, "Have you been sucking off the dog?"
She says, "Why do you ask?"
He says, "Because every time you yawn he gets a hard-on."
A woman gets out of the shower, slips, and falls so hard that a vacuum is created in her ***** when she lands spread-eagled on the floor, and she gets stuck. Her husband tries to lift her up but she won't budge. He goes next door and gets the neighbor, and both of them pull like oxen, but she just won't move.
The neighbor says, "Let's get a hammer and break the tiles up around her legs, and then we can lift her up."
Her husband says, "That's a good idea. But first I'll rub her **** and pinch her nipples to get her aroused."
The neighbor says, "Why would you do that?"
The husband says, "It'll get her lubed up so we can slide her into the kitchen ... the tiles are much cheaper in there."
One gay guy says to another gay guy, "Oooo ... your chest is so hairy..."
The second one says, "Itt's because I put Vaseline on it every night."
The first one says, "That can't be true ... if it was, I'd have a ponytail growing out of my ass."
A guy walks into a store.
He says to the salesgirl, "I want to buy some toilet paper."
She says, "What color?"
He says, "Give me white. I'll color it myself."
The 60mph goat....
Boudreaux and Thibodeaux are hunting up near Bunkie, and as
they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They
approach it and are amazed by the size of it.
Boudeaux says, "Poo-yi, that's some hole, yeah! I can't even
see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."
"I dunno," Thibodeaux replies. "Let's throw something down
and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."
They look around, and Boudreaux spots a rusty old automobile
transmission in the weeds. "Gimme a hand with this big, heavy thing," he
tells Thibodeaux, "and we'll throw it in and see."
So they pick it up and carry it over. On the count of three,
they heave it into the
hole.
As they're standing there listening and looking over the
edge, they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around,
they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with
no hesitation, jump in head first.
While they are standing there looking at each other, looking
in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer
walks up. "Say there," says the farmer, "you guys didn't happen to see my
goat around here anywhere, did you?"
"Funny you should ask," Boudreaux tells him. "We were just
standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin'
about sixty miles an hour and jumped head-first into this hole here!"
"That's impossible," the farmer replied. "I had him chained
to a transmission!"
.
Boudreaux and Thibodeaux are hunting up near Bunkie, and as
they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They
approach it and are amazed by the size of it.
Boudeaux says, "Poo-yi, that's some hole, yeah! I can't even
see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."
"I dunno," Thibodeaux replies. "Let's throw something down
and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."
They look around, and Boudreaux spots a rusty old automobile
transmission in the weeds. "Gimme a hand with this big, heavy thing," he
tells Thibodeaux, "and we'll throw it in and see."
So they pick it up and carry it over. On the count of three,
they heave it into the
hole.
As they're standing there listening and looking over the
edge, they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around,
they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with
no hesitation, jump in head first.
While they are standing there looking at each other, looking
in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer
walks up. "Say there," says the farmer, "you guys didn't happen to see my
goat around here anywhere, did you?"
"Funny you should ask," Boudreaux tells him. "We were just
standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin'
about sixty miles an hour and jumped head-first into this hole here!"
"That's impossible," the farmer replied. "I had him chained
to a transmission!"
.
CUJOHUNTER
EARPLUGS??
What do Whitney Houston and a spider have in common?
....They both can't get out of a bathtub.
What's the difference between St. Patrick's Day and Cinco De Mayo?
....On Cinco De Mayo, nobody ever pretends to be a Mexican.
....They both can't get out of a bathtub.
What's the difference between St. Patrick's Day and Cinco De Mayo?
....On Cinco De Mayo, nobody ever pretends to be a Mexican.
Hey Kids; It's been a while! Same Warning Applies! If you think someone slinging a giant pink dildo at the local coffee shop is offensive, Don't Read!
Lange calls Goodstien and says, "Hey, man, I need to borrow your computer. I want to jerk off but my computer's down."
Goodstien says, "Jesus Christ, Lange, your girlfriend lives five minutes away. If you're that desperate, why not just go to her house?"
Lange says, "She hasn't got internet."
Dirty Johnny gets a newspaper route, it's the end of the first week. He knocks on the door and a lady answers wearing just a bra and panties.
He says, "That's the end of the first week, miss. That'll be collect, five dollars."
She says, "Step in."
He says, "All right."
He goes in ...
She says, "I don't have any money, but I thought maybe I could pay you in sex."
He says, "All right."
He pulls down his pants and his underwear, and this kid has a cock like you write home about. Like a baby's arm with an apple in its fist. A huge prick. He reaches into his shirt pocket, starts pulling out these huge washers, and starts sliding them onto his prick.
She says, "What are you doing? I can take it all."
He says, "Not for five bucks you can't."
" ... there's a lot of cock here, lady."
When do you know a girl's twat is too hairy?
Jim Henson won't put his hand in it.
Six o'clock Sunday morning, middle of Harlem, two figures approach each other on the street, and this is all you hear ...
"Mornin', motherf**ker."
"G'mornin', Rev'ren."
A girl goes to the doctor with her knees all cut up.
The doctor says, "What happened to your knees?"
She says, "It's from making love doggie-style."
He says, "Don't you know any other position besides doggie style?"
She says, "Yeah ... but my doggie don't."
When do you know you've got a really hairy ass?
You take a **** and then don't hear a splash.
My wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did.
She's twenty-five, and her name's Beverly.
Three high girls meet up in the Girls' Room at their Senior Prom.
The first one says, "You know it's a great prom when my hair is this messed up this early."
The second one says, "You know it's a great prom when my bra's already under the DJ booth."
The third girl takes off her panties, throws them and they stick to the wall.
She says, "That's how you know it's a great prom."
Mrs. Shapiro walks into the house and says to her husband, "Morty, I've got some bad news and some good news."
Her husband says, "What's the bad news?"
She says, "I found out our son's a homosexual."
He says, "What's the good news?"
She says, "He's dating a doctor."
Why do dicks hang their heads?
Their hair's a mess, they live next to an *******,
their family's are nuts, their best friend's a p*ssy
and their owners beat them.
What would you call a dead prostitute?
Free.
A guy walks into bar and says to the bartender, "Give me five shots of whiskey and I'll fart "Dixie.' "
The bartender gives the guy five shots, the guy downs them, he drops his pants, and he shits on the floor.
The bartender says, "What the hell was that?"
The guy says, "Hey, even Bing Crosby clears his throat before he sings."
Why'd the altar boy stick his dick in the snowbank?
So Father McMurray could enjoy a cold one after mass.
Paw yells out the window, "What're y'all doin' out there?"
Jethro yells back, "We's f**kin' momma."
Paw yells, "Okay, just be sure t' stay away from them nasty cigarettes."
An old couple learns to text.
One day the old girl's out and texts her husband, "If you're sleeping, send me your dreams ... if you're laughing, send me your smile ... if you're drinking, send me a sip ..."
He texts back, "I'm taking a ****. Please advise."
You know, it's not everyday my wife turns to me and says,
"I want you to take me upstairs,
**** me in the ass and *** all over my face."
And today was no exception.
The Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding along when Tonto gets off his horse, puts his ear to the ground, and says, "Kemosabe ... buffalo come."
The Lone Ranger says, "How do you know?"
Tonto says, "Ground sticky."
I told my wife not to turn her head away after she gives me a blow job,
but it went in one ear and out the other.
Why'd the Polish terrorist go to the zoo?
To take some ostriches.
Lange calls Goodstien and says, "Hey, man, I need to borrow your computer. I want to jerk off but my computer's down."
Goodstien says, "Jesus Christ, Lange, your girlfriend lives five minutes away. If you're that desperate, why not just go to her house?"
Lange says, "She hasn't got internet."
Dirty Johnny gets a newspaper route, it's the end of the first week. He knocks on the door and a lady answers wearing just a bra and panties.
He says, "That's the end of the first week, miss. That'll be collect, five dollars."
She says, "Step in."
He says, "All right."
He goes in ...
She says, "I don't have any money, but I thought maybe I could pay you in sex."
He says, "All right."
He pulls down his pants and his underwear, and this kid has a cock like you write home about. Like a baby's arm with an apple in its fist. A huge prick. He reaches into his shirt pocket, starts pulling out these huge washers, and starts sliding them onto his prick.
She says, "What are you doing? I can take it all."
He says, "Not for five bucks you can't."
" ... there's a lot of cock here, lady."
When do you know a girl's twat is too hairy?
Jim Henson won't put his hand in it.
Six o'clock Sunday morning, middle of Harlem, two figures approach each other on the street, and this is all you hear ...
"Mornin', motherf**ker."
"G'mornin', Rev'ren."
A girl goes to the doctor with her knees all cut up.
The doctor says, "What happened to your knees?"
She says, "It's from making love doggie-style."
He says, "Don't you know any other position besides doggie style?"
She says, "Yeah ... but my doggie don't."
When do you know you've got a really hairy ass?
You take a **** and then don't hear a splash.
My wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did.
She's twenty-five, and her name's Beverly.
Three high girls meet up in the Girls' Room at their Senior Prom.
The first one says, "You know it's a great prom when my hair is this messed up this early."
The second one says, "You know it's a great prom when my bra's already under the DJ booth."
The third girl takes off her panties, throws them and they stick to the wall.
She says, "That's how you know it's a great prom."
Mrs. Shapiro walks into the house and says to her husband, "Morty, I've got some bad news and some good news."
Her husband says, "What's the bad news?"
She says, "I found out our son's a homosexual."
He says, "What's the good news?"
She says, "He's dating a doctor."
Why do dicks hang their heads?
Their hair's a mess, they live next to an *******,
their family's are nuts, their best friend's a p*ssy
and their owners beat them.
What would you call a dead prostitute?
Free.
A guy walks into bar and says to the bartender, "Give me five shots of whiskey and I'll fart "Dixie.' "
The bartender gives the guy five shots, the guy downs them, he drops his pants, and he shits on the floor.
The bartender says, "What the hell was that?"
The guy says, "Hey, even Bing Crosby clears his throat before he sings."
Why'd the altar boy stick his dick in the snowbank?
So Father McMurray could enjoy a cold one after mass.
Paw yells out the window, "What're y'all doin' out there?"
Jethro yells back, "We's f**kin' momma."
Paw yells, "Okay, just be sure t' stay away from them nasty cigarettes."
An old couple learns to text.
One day the old girl's out and texts her husband, "If you're sleeping, send me your dreams ... if you're laughing, send me your smile ... if you're drinking, send me a sip ..."
He texts back, "I'm taking a ****. Please advise."
You know, it's not everyday my wife turns to me and says,
"I want you to take me upstairs,
**** me in the ass and *** all over my face."
And today was no exception.
The Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding along when Tonto gets off his horse, puts his ear to the ground, and says, "Kemosabe ... buffalo come."
The Lone Ranger says, "How do you know?"
Tonto says, "Ground sticky."
I told my wife not to turn her head away after she gives me a blow job,
but it went in one ear and out the other.
Why'd the Polish terrorist go to the zoo?
To take some ostriches.
Last edited:
POLISH MOOSE HUNT
Two Polish hunters named Stosh and Thad, hired a pilot to fly them into the Canadian wilderness, where they managed to bag two big Bull Moose.
As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only the hunters, their gear and one Moose.
The hunters objected strongly saying, "Last year we shot two, and the pilot let us take them both...and he had exactly the same airplane as yours."
Reluctantly the pilot, not wanting to be outdone by another bush pilot, gave in and everything was loaded.
However, even under full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down, crashing in the wooded wilderness.
Somehow, surrounded by the moose, clothing and sleeping bags, Stosh and Thad survived the crash.
After climbing out of the wreckage, Thad asked Stosh, "Any idea where we are?"
Stosh replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
Two Polish hunters named Stosh and Thad, hired a pilot to fly them into the Canadian wilderness, where they managed to bag two big Bull Moose.
As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only the hunters, their gear and one Moose.
The hunters objected strongly saying, "Last year we shot two, and the pilot let us take them both...and he had exactly the same airplane as yours."
Reluctantly the pilot, not wanting to be outdone by another bush pilot, gave in and everything was loaded.
However, even under full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down, crashing in the wooded wilderness.
Somehow, surrounded by the moose, clothing and sleeping bags, Stosh and Thad survived the crash.
After climbing out of the wreckage, Thad asked Stosh, "Any idea where we are?"
Stosh replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
Okay, I'm walking on eggshells here 
, with all this ramped up moderation and such; so I guess since the jokes in the past are still up, we're good?!? 
Warning! These are saucy!
Mrs. Friedman says, "Doctor, something's terribly wrong. I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina."
The doctor has a look, chuckles to himself, and says, "Those aren't postage stamps, Mrs. Friedman, they're the stickers off of bananas."
A guy's in a taxi and he wants to say something to the driver, so he leans forward and taps him on the shoulder. The driver screams, jumps up in the air, and loses hold of the steering wheel. The car leaps over the curb, smashes into a lamppost, and comes to a stop inches from a store window.
The passenger says, "I didn't mean to scare you. I just wanted to ask you something."
The driver says "It's not your fault, pal. This is my first day as a cabbie. For the last twenty-five years I drove a hearse."
Mrs. Fecalberger says, "Doctor, I don't know what to do. More and more often my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It's scaring me."
The doctor says, "I'm sure I can fix that. Whenever it seems your husband is getting angry, take a big sip of water and swish it around in your mouth. Swish it around and around and don't swallow it until he leaves the room or goes to bed and falls asleep."
Two weeks later Mrs. Fecalberger walks back into the doctor's office looking fresh as a daisy.
She says, "Doctor, you're magnificent. Every time my husband starts getting upset, I take a big gulp of water and swish it around in my mouth, swish and swish, and he calms right down. It's fantastic. But you've got to tell me, how does a gulp of water do that?"
The doctor says, "It's not the water, Mrs. Fecalberger. It's you keeping your mouth shut that does the trick."
An Italian guy goes up to his neighbor and says, "Ey, Tony, you like-a woman with-a big, sloppy ****, that droop-a down this-a far?"
Tony says, "No."
He says, "You like-a woman with-a big huge ass like a dump truck?"
Tony says, "No."
He says, "You like-a woman with-a big, thick-a moustache and she's a smell like garlic all the time?"
Tony says, "No."
He says, "Then why you f**k-a my wife?"
An 80-year-old couple is having trouble remembering things, so they go to see their doctor to make sure there's nothing wrong.
After an exam, the doctor says, "You're physically okay, but you guys might want to start writing notes to help you remember things."
That night they're watching TV when the old man gets up from his chair.
His wife says, "Where are you going?"
He says, "To the kitchen."
She says, "Will you get me some Vanilla ice cream?"
He says, "All right."
She says, "Don't you think you should write it down?"
He says, "I don't have to write it down ... vanilla ice cream."
She says, "Could I have strawberries and whip cream?"
He says, "All right."
She says, "Don't you think you should write it down?"
He says, "I don't have to write it down ... vanilla ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream."
Twenty minutes later he walks in and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs.
She says, "You forgot my f**king toast."
The other night my girlfriend said to me,
"You know, the opposite of love isn't hate. It's indifference."
I said, "So what?"
Sign on a whorehouse door:
"Out to lunch ... beat it."
Who led the Jews through a semi-permeable membrane?
Osmoses.
A guy walks into a bar and the bartender says, "What's up?"
The guy says, "I had a fight with my wife and she told me she wasn't going to talk to me for a month."
The bartender says, "That sucks."
The guy says, "You're not kidding. The month is up today."
A guy starts a new job, and the boss tells him, "If you marry my daughter, I'll make you a partner, give you an expense account, a Mercedes, and a million dollar annual salary."
The guy says, "What's wrong with her?"
The boss shows him a picture. The girl is hideous. A real show-stopper.
The boss says, "She's not only ugly, she's as dumb as a wall."
The guy says, "I don't care what you offer me, it ain't worth it."
The boss says, "I'll give you a five million dollar salary and build you a mansion on Long Island."
The guy accepts, figuring he can put a bag on her head when they have sex. About a year later, the guy buys an original Van Gogh and is hanging it on the wall.
He climbs the ladder and yells to his wife, "Bring me a hammer."
She mumbles, "Get the hammer. Get the hammer," and she fetches the hammer.
The guy says, "And get me some nails."
She mumbles, "Get the nails. Get the nails," and she gets him some nails.
The guys starts hammering a nail into the wall, hits his thumb, and yells, "F*ck."
She mumbles, "Get the bag. Get the bag."
A mortician is laying out the body of a man with a huge penis, and he calls in his receptionist to show her.
She says, "That looks just like my Harry's."
He says, "That big?"
She says, "No. That dead."
Two guys are standing in front of a church asking people for donations. One guy's wearing a big Jewish star and a yarmulke, and the other guy's wearing a big cross and holding a bible. People are giving lots of money to the Catholic guy, but no one's giving anything to the Jewish guy.
A guy says to the Jew, "That's a stupid place for you to ask for money. Are you kidding? With a church behind you, I bet people are looking at you and then giving even bigger donations to the Catholic guy."
The Jew turns to the Catholic and says, "Shlomo, listen to this schmuck trying to tell the Goldberg brothers about marketing."
A housewife's at home when there's a knock on the door.
She opens the door, and a guy says, "Do you have a vagina?"
She slams the door in disbelief. After the same thing happens three days in a row, she decides to tell her husband.
He says, "Tomorrow I won't go to work. When the guy comes to the door and asks you if you have a vagina, say ‘yes,' and I'll be hiding behind the door."
The next day the guy knocks on the door again, and when the wife answers it, he says, "Do you have a vagina?"
She says, "Yes."
He says, "Then please tell your husband to stop f**king my wife."
A young couple has sex, and when they're finished, she looks in the box of condoms, and there's only six left out of twelve.
She says, "What happened to the other five condoms?"
He says, "I, uh, masturbated into them."
That night she tells a male friend what happened, and she says, "Have you ever done that?"
He says, "Of course. All the time."
She says, "Really? You've jerked off into a condom?"
He says, "Oh, no. I thought you were asking me if I've ever lied to my girlfriend."
A girl from Brooklyn and a guy from Boston are sitting next to each other on a plane.
The girl says, "Where're you from?"
The guy says, "A place where we know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence."
She says, "So where're you from, a$$hole?"
A guy says to his friend, "You ever f*ck your wife in the ass?"
He says, "Yeah, all the time."
The first guy says, "She digs it?"
The second guy says, "No."
The first guy says, "Do you like it?"
The second guy says, "Not really."
The first guy says, "So why do you do it?"
The second guy says, "The kids get a big kick out of it."
A guy says to a woman at the bar, "What's new?"
She says, "My husband just left me. He says I'm too kinky."
The guy says, "That's wild. My wife just left me, and she said it's because I'm too kinky for her."
After a few drinks, they go to the woman's place, and she says, "Let me go slip into something more comfortable."
She goes into the bathroom and starts getting into her leather dominatrix outfit. When she walks back into the living room, the guy's walking out the door.
She says, "Where are you going?"
He says, "I just f**ked your cat and **** in your purse. I'm done."
A middle-aged Jewish guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday.
He says, "So what would you like, Sylvia? A diamond ring? A sable coat? A Rolls-Royce?"
She says, "Bernie, I want a divorce."
He says, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."
A guy's walking along, there's a couple walking towards him, and he's staring at the girl.
Her boyfriend says, "Have you got a problem?"
He says, "Yeah. I want to f*ck her, but I haven't got her phone number."
Harry comes home from work, plops down on the couch, and says to his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts."
She gets him a beer.
Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts."
She fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.
He finishes that beer and says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute."
She yells at him, "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You lazy, drunken fat slob."
Harry says, "I knew it was gonna start."
Susie's a very wild girl. She gets a marriage proposal, and the guy's a real nerd, but she's not getting any younger, so she accepts. She doesn't want him to know that she's been around the block, so she decides to fool him into thinking that she's a virgin. She buys some chicken livers, and before they get into bed on the wedding night, she puts them inside her so it'll feel like her cherry's still there.
She wakes up the next morning, and the place is very strange. She had no idea what a weirdo she married. His side of the bed is made, all the clothes are hung up, the shoes are put away, and the room is immaculate. She goes into the bathroom, everything is shining, all the towels are washed and folded, it's beautiful. She goes down into the kitchen, and all the dishes are done, put away, the floor is waxed, and everything is sparkling.
And then she sees a note on the kitchen table...
"Sweetheart ... I picked up around the house, and have gone out to get the morning paper. I'll be back at precisely 11:15. Love, David. P.S. Your c*nt is in the refrigerator."
, with all this ramped up moderation and such; so I guess since the jokes in the past are still up, we're good?!? Warning! These are saucy!
Mrs. Friedman says, "Doctor, something's terribly wrong. I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina."
The doctor has a look, chuckles to himself, and says, "Those aren't postage stamps, Mrs. Friedman, they're the stickers off of bananas."
A guy's in a taxi and he wants to say something to the driver, so he leans forward and taps him on the shoulder. The driver screams, jumps up in the air, and loses hold of the steering wheel. The car leaps over the curb, smashes into a lamppost, and comes to a stop inches from a store window.
The passenger says, "I didn't mean to scare you. I just wanted to ask you something."
The driver says "It's not your fault, pal. This is my first day as a cabbie. For the last twenty-five years I drove a hearse."
Mrs. Fecalberger says, "Doctor, I don't know what to do. More and more often my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It's scaring me."
The doctor says, "I'm sure I can fix that. Whenever it seems your husband is getting angry, take a big sip of water and swish it around in your mouth. Swish it around and around and don't swallow it until he leaves the room or goes to bed and falls asleep."
Two weeks later Mrs. Fecalberger walks back into the doctor's office looking fresh as a daisy.
She says, "Doctor, you're magnificent. Every time my husband starts getting upset, I take a big gulp of water and swish it around in my mouth, swish and swish, and he calms right down. It's fantastic. But you've got to tell me, how does a gulp of water do that?"
The doctor says, "It's not the water, Mrs. Fecalberger. It's you keeping your mouth shut that does the trick."
An Italian guy goes up to his neighbor and says, "Ey, Tony, you like-a woman with-a big, sloppy ****, that droop-a down this-a far?"
Tony says, "No."
He says, "You like-a woman with-a big huge ass like a dump truck?"
Tony says, "No."
He says, "You like-a woman with-a big, thick-a moustache and she's a smell like garlic all the time?"
Tony says, "No."
He says, "Then why you f**k-a my wife?"
An 80-year-old couple is having trouble remembering things, so they go to see their doctor to make sure there's nothing wrong.
After an exam, the doctor says, "You're physically okay, but you guys might want to start writing notes to help you remember things."
That night they're watching TV when the old man gets up from his chair.
His wife says, "Where are you going?"
He says, "To the kitchen."
She says, "Will you get me some Vanilla ice cream?"
He says, "All right."
She says, "Don't you think you should write it down?"
He says, "I don't have to write it down ... vanilla ice cream."
She says, "Could I have strawberries and whip cream?"
He says, "All right."
She says, "Don't you think you should write it down?"
He says, "I don't have to write it down ... vanilla ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream."
Twenty minutes later he walks in and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs.
She says, "You forgot my f**king toast."
The other night my girlfriend said to me,
"You know, the opposite of love isn't hate. It's indifference."
I said, "So what?"
Sign on a whorehouse door:
"Out to lunch ... beat it."
Who led the Jews through a semi-permeable membrane?
Osmoses.
A guy walks into a bar and the bartender says, "What's up?"
The guy says, "I had a fight with my wife and she told me she wasn't going to talk to me for a month."
The bartender says, "That sucks."
The guy says, "You're not kidding. The month is up today."
A guy starts a new job, and the boss tells him, "If you marry my daughter, I'll make you a partner, give you an expense account, a Mercedes, and a million dollar annual salary."
The guy says, "What's wrong with her?"
The boss shows him a picture. The girl is hideous. A real show-stopper.
The boss says, "She's not only ugly, she's as dumb as a wall."
The guy says, "I don't care what you offer me, it ain't worth it."
The boss says, "I'll give you a five million dollar salary and build you a mansion on Long Island."
The guy accepts, figuring he can put a bag on her head when they have sex. About a year later, the guy buys an original Van Gogh and is hanging it on the wall.
He climbs the ladder and yells to his wife, "Bring me a hammer."
She mumbles, "Get the hammer. Get the hammer," and she fetches the hammer.
The guy says, "And get me some nails."
She mumbles, "Get the nails. Get the nails," and she gets him some nails.
The guys starts hammering a nail into the wall, hits his thumb, and yells, "F*ck."
She mumbles, "Get the bag. Get the bag."
A mortician is laying out the body of a man with a huge penis, and he calls in his receptionist to show her.
She says, "That looks just like my Harry's."
He says, "That big?"
She says, "No. That dead."
Two guys are standing in front of a church asking people for donations. One guy's wearing a big Jewish star and a yarmulke, and the other guy's wearing a big cross and holding a bible. People are giving lots of money to the Catholic guy, but no one's giving anything to the Jewish guy.
A guy says to the Jew, "That's a stupid place for you to ask for money. Are you kidding? With a church behind you, I bet people are looking at you and then giving even bigger donations to the Catholic guy."
The Jew turns to the Catholic and says, "Shlomo, listen to this schmuck trying to tell the Goldberg brothers about marketing."
A housewife's at home when there's a knock on the door.
She opens the door, and a guy says, "Do you have a vagina?"
She slams the door in disbelief. After the same thing happens three days in a row, she decides to tell her husband.
He says, "Tomorrow I won't go to work. When the guy comes to the door and asks you if you have a vagina, say ‘yes,' and I'll be hiding behind the door."
The next day the guy knocks on the door again, and when the wife answers it, he says, "Do you have a vagina?"
She says, "Yes."
He says, "Then please tell your husband to stop f**king my wife."
A young couple has sex, and when they're finished, she looks in the box of condoms, and there's only six left out of twelve.
She says, "What happened to the other five condoms?"
He says, "I, uh, masturbated into them."
That night she tells a male friend what happened, and she says, "Have you ever done that?"
He says, "Of course. All the time."
She says, "Really? You've jerked off into a condom?"
He says, "Oh, no. I thought you were asking me if I've ever lied to my girlfriend."
A girl from Brooklyn and a guy from Boston are sitting next to each other on a plane.
The girl says, "Where're you from?"
The guy says, "A place where we know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence."
She says, "So where're you from, a$$hole?"
A guy says to his friend, "You ever f*ck your wife in the ass?"
He says, "Yeah, all the time."
The first guy says, "She digs it?"
The second guy says, "No."
The first guy says, "Do you like it?"
The second guy says, "Not really."
The first guy says, "So why do you do it?"
The second guy says, "The kids get a big kick out of it."
A guy says to a woman at the bar, "What's new?"
She says, "My husband just left me. He says I'm too kinky."
The guy says, "That's wild. My wife just left me, and she said it's because I'm too kinky for her."
After a few drinks, they go to the woman's place, and she says, "Let me go slip into something more comfortable."
She goes into the bathroom and starts getting into her leather dominatrix outfit. When she walks back into the living room, the guy's walking out the door.
She says, "Where are you going?"
He says, "I just f**ked your cat and **** in your purse. I'm done."
A middle-aged Jewish guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday.
He says, "So what would you like, Sylvia? A diamond ring? A sable coat? A Rolls-Royce?"
She says, "Bernie, I want a divorce."
He says, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."
A guy's walking along, there's a couple walking towards him, and he's staring at the girl.
Her boyfriend says, "Have you got a problem?"
He says, "Yeah. I want to f*ck her, but I haven't got her phone number."
Harry comes home from work, plops down on the couch, and says to his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts."
She gets him a beer.
Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts."
She fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.
He finishes that beer and says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute."
She yells at him, "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You lazy, drunken fat slob."
Harry says, "I knew it was gonna start."
Susie's a very wild girl. She gets a marriage proposal, and the guy's a real nerd, but she's not getting any younger, so she accepts. She doesn't want him to know that she's been around the block, so she decides to fool him into thinking that she's a virgin. She buys some chicken livers, and before they get into bed on the wedding night, she puts them inside her so it'll feel like her cherry's still there.
She wakes up the next morning, and the place is very strange. She had no idea what a weirdo she married. His side of the bed is made, all the clothes are hung up, the shoes are put away, and the room is immaculate. She goes into the bathroom, everything is shining, all the towels are washed and folded, it's beautiful. She goes down into the kitchen, and all the dishes are done, put away, the floor is waxed, and everything is sparkling.
And then she sees a note on the kitchen table...
"Sweetheart ... I picked up around the house, and have gone out to get the morning paper. I'll be back at precisely 11:15. Love, David. P.S. Your c*nt is in the refrigerator."
I only have one today; I have sh*t to do today.
Schmitt buys a robot that slaps people if they lie. He decides to test it out, so he brings the family and the robot into the kitchen after they eat.
He says to his son, "What'd you do before dinner?"
His son says, "I did my homework," and the robot slaps the kid.
The son says, "Okay, okay, I was at Eddie's watching a movie."
Schmitt says, "What kind of movie?"
His son says, "Star Wars," and the robot slaps the kid again.
The son says, "Okay, okay, we watched some porn."
Schmitt says, "Porn? When I was your age, I didn't even know what porn was," and the robot slaps Schmitt.
Schmitt's wife says, "He's your son, all right," and the robot slaps her.
Schmitt buys a robot that slaps people if they lie. He decides to test it out, so he brings the family and the robot into the kitchen after they eat.
He says to his son, "What'd you do before dinner?"
His son says, "I did my homework," and the robot slaps the kid.
The son says, "Okay, okay, I was at Eddie's watching a movie."
Schmitt says, "What kind of movie?"
His son says, "Star Wars," and the robot slaps the kid again.
The son says, "Okay, okay, we watched some porn."
Schmitt says, "Porn? When I was your age, I didn't even know what porn was," and the robot slaps Schmitt.
Schmitt's wife says, "He's your son, all right," and the robot slaps her.
Mojo Rider
Well-Known Member
Early one spring morning, an elderly retired gentleman yelled to his wife,"Honey! Come see what I created! It's an abstract panorama depicting the five years of the Obama presidency!"
She yelled back, "Flush the damn toilet and come eat your breakfast."
She yelled back, "Flush the damn toilet and come eat your breakfast."
Warning! Some of these are filthier than those before! I am almost ashamed to have laughed at some of them. If you are a humorless douche, DO NOT READ THESE!
A girl calls the Priest.
She says, "Father, is it a sin to have sex before communion?"
He says, "Only if you block the aisle."
Mrs. Feebleberd goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, my husband sent me here because he says my vagina has a odor. But but I bent wayyyy over and took a bigggg whiff, and I don't smell nothin'."
The doctor examines her, and then says, "Mrs. Feebleberd, you definitely need an operation."
She says, "On my vagina?"
He says, "No, on your nose."
Ludwig says to Lange, "How come every time we play golf, you don't go into the locker room until I come out?"
Lange says, "I'm embarrassed because I've got such a small c*ck."
Ludwig says, "Can you still get a hard-on?"
Lange says, "F*ck yeah."
Ludwig says, "You want to trade it for one that looks good in the shower?"
Here we are out in a country schoolhouse, and Luke shows up for fifth grade three hours late.
The teacher says, "Luke, where in tarnation have you been?"
Luke says, "Well, you see, my Ma woke up my Pa up in the middle of the night sayin' she heard something in the henhouse. Pa, he sleeps without nothin' on, he grabbed his shotgun, ran out into the yard, and stood there, with the gun pointed at the henhouse, waitin' for something to come out. That's when Pete, our old hound dog, came up behind Pa with his cold nose. And we been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this morning."
How many calories do you get from eating p*ssy?
It depends which way she wipes her ass.
A college kid says to his friend, "I f*cked my roomate in the ass last night."
His friend says, "No sh*t?"
He says, "A little."
A priest goes to get his hair cut. When the barber's done, the priest goes to pay him, but the barber stops him and says, "No, no, friend. I could never take money from a man of the cloth."
The next day when the barber shows up at the barber shop, there's a dozen boxes of chocolates waiting for him, with a thank you note from the priest.
That afternoon a rabbi comes in, the barber cuts his hair, and when he gets done and the rabbi goes to pay him, he stops him and says, "No, no, friend. I could never take money from a man of the cloth."
The next day when the barber shows up at the barber shop, there's a dozen rabbis waiting for him
What's a platonic relationship?
A friendship between a girl and a guy who wants to f*ck her
Every Sunday morning, Grandpa takes his seven-year-old granddaughter for a drive for some bonding time, just the two of them. One Sunday Grandpa's not feeling very well, so Grandma takes her for a ride. When they get back, the little girl runs upstairs to see her Grandfather.
He says, "Well, did you enjoy your ride with Grandma?"
She says, "Yes, Grandpa, but it wasn't as much fun as it is with you. We didn't see any a$$holes, dumb ba$tards, or lousy $hit heads."
A little girl and her mother see two dogs f*cking, and the little girl says, "What're they doing?"
Her mother says, "They're baking a cake."
The next day the little girl says, "Mommy, you and Daddy were baking a cake in the living room last night, huh?"
Her mother says, "Why do you say that?"
The little girl says, "I licked the frosting off the couch."
A girl's standing at The Gates Of Heaven and she hears horrible screams coming from inside.
She says to St. Peter, "What's going on?"
St. Peter says, "That's the sounds of the new angels. They're getting big holes drilled in their backs for their wings, and small holes drilled in their heads for their halos."
She says, "Heaven sounds horrible. I think I'd rather go to Hell."
St. Peter says, "You can go to Hell ... but you'll be constantly gang-banged and sodomized."
She says, "That's okay. I've already got holes for that."
A little old lady walks into a sex shop and says to the guy behind the counter, "D-d-do y-y-you h-h-have v-v-vibrators?"
The guy says, "Yes, ma'am, we have vibrators. We carry many models."
She says, "D-d-do y-y-you h-h-have a-a-a p-p-pink one, t-t-ten inches l-l-long a-a-and a-a-about t-t-two i-i-inches th-th-thick?"
The guy says, "Yes, ma'am, we do."
"C-c-can y-y-you sh-sh-show m-m-me h-h-how t-t-to t-t-turn th-th-the f-f-f*cking th-th-thing o-o-off?"
One sperm says to the other sperm, "How far is it to the ovary?"
The other sperm says, "Relax. We haven't even passed the tonsils yet."
What's the worst thing about anal sex with a horse?
When it's his turn.
Schneider's losing it. He's been wrestling with the meaning of life for years and years, and it's gotten to where that's all that's ever on his mind.
He can't concentrate on anything except the question, "What is life?"
He looks on Craig's List and finds the world's deepest thinker is a guru who lives high atop Mt. Everest in The Himalayan Mountains in India. He saves his money until he can afford to make his way to India. When he gets there he hires a few Sherpas and they start their trek to the top.
After weeks of snow and cold and pain, Schneider's expedition gets to the mountaintop. He spots a little man in a turban sitting cross-legged in front of a small fire, and recognizes him as the guru he's longed to meet.
He walks over to the little man, and says, "Sir, I've come so, so very far ... so, so far, to ask you the one question that's been burning in me for so, so long ... sir, what is life?"
The guru slowly lifts his head and says, "My son, life is a fountain."
Schneider says, "Life's a fountain?"
The guru says, "Life's not a fountain?"
Schneider says, "Doc, I don't know what's wrong with me. I look bad, but I feel good."
The doctor says, "You look good but you feel bad?"
Schneider says, "No, no ... I look bad, but I feel good."
The doctor says, "You look bad and you feel bad?"
Schneider says, "No, no, no ... I look bad, but I feel good."
The doctor says, "You look bad, but you feel good?"
Schneider says, "That's it."
The doctor says, "You're a vagina."
A kid walks in and says, "Mommy, I had sex with my teacher after school today."
She says, "Go sit in the corner until your father gets home."
He says, "I can't."
What's the difference between weed and *****?
If you can smell a ***** from across the room, it's not the good ****.
Two o'clock one afternoon, Dirty Johnny's mother walks into the kitchen and finds a note ...
"Hi, Ma. I only had a half day of school so I got home early. Right now I'm at the park playing football.
My report card's on the table. Don't read the grades, just sign it, and then make two dozen brownies for my school lunch tomorrow.
And Daddy called. Please call him as soon as you get out from under Uncle Clem.
Love, Johnny."
Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms?
After you f*ck her, they stay and talk to her.
The veterinarian says to a blonde, "Your dog needs some exercise. You need to make sure he runs around. Try playing a game of fetch with him."
The blonde says, "I can't play fetch with him."
The doctor says, "Why not?"
"He can't throw."
A woman walks into a bar.
A guy walks up to her and says, "I'm gonna make your nipples hard."
She says, "You better watch what you say. My husband's coming in right behind me."
The guy says, "I ain't done. After I make your nipples hard, I'm gonna pull off your panties, turn you upside-down, fill your pu$$y full of beer and suck it all out."
Just then her husband walks in.
She runs up to him and says, "That guy over there just told me he's gonna make my nipples hard."
Her husband says, "Yeah? Well, I'm gonna go kick his ass."
She says, "And that's not all. He said that after he makes my nipples hard, he's gonna pull off my panties, turn me upside-down, fill my pu$$y full of beer and suck it all out."
Her husband says, "Oh, yeah? Well, f*ck it then."
She says, "What do you mean?"
He says, "I ain't f*ckin' with nobody can drink that much beer."
What's relative humidity?
The sweat on your balls when you're ****ing your sister-in-law
and you hear your brother walk in the door.
A girl calls the Priest.
She says, "Father, is it a sin to have sex before communion?"
He says, "Only if you block the aisle."
Mrs. Feebleberd goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, my husband sent me here because he says my vagina has a odor. But but I bent wayyyy over and took a bigggg whiff, and I don't smell nothin'."
The doctor examines her, and then says, "Mrs. Feebleberd, you definitely need an operation."
She says, "On my vagina?"
He says, "No, on your nose."
Ludwig says to Lange, "How come every time we play golf, you don't go into the locker room until I come out?"
Lange says, "I'm embarrassed because I've got such a small c*ck."
Ludwig says, "Can you still get a hard-on?"
Lange says, "F*ck yeah."
Ludwig says, "You want to trade it for one that looks good in the shower?"
Here we are out in a country schoolhouse, and Luke shows up for fifth grade three hours late.
The teacher says, "Luke, where in tarnation have you been?"
Luke says, "Well, you see, my Ma woke up my Pa up in the middle of the night sayin' she heard something in the henhouse. Pa, he sleeps without nothin' on, he grabbed his shotgun, ran out into the yard, and stood there, with the gun pointed at the henhouse, waitin' for something to come out. That's when Pete, our old hound dog, came up behind Pa with his cold nose. And we been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this morning."
How many calories do you get from eating p*ssy?
It depends which way she wipes her ass.
A college kid says to his friend, "I f*cked my roomate in the ass last night."
His friend says, "No sh*t?"
He says, "A little."
A priest goes to get his hair cut. When the barber's done, the priest goes to pay him, but the barber stops him and says, "No, no, friend. I could never take money from a man of the cloth."
The next day when the barber shows up at the barber shop, there's a dozen boxes of chocolates waiting for him, with a thank you note from the priest.
That afternoon a rabbi comes in, the barber cuts his hair, and when he gets done and the rabbi goes to pay him, he stops him and says, "No, no, friend. I could never take money from a man of the cloth."
The next day when the barber shows up at the barber shop, there's a dozen rabbis waiting for him
What's a platonic relationship?
A friendship between a girl and a guy who wants to f*ck her
Every Sunday morning, Grandpa takes his seven-year-old granddaughter for a drive for some bonding time, just the two of them. One Sunday Grandpa's not feeling very well, so Grandma takes her for a ride. When they get back, the little girl runs upstairs to see her Grandfather.
He says, "Well, did you enjoy your ride with Grandma?"
She says, "Yes, Grandpa, but it wasn't as much fun as it is with you. We didn't see any a$$holes, dumb ba$tards, or lousy $hit heads."
A little girl and her mother see two dogs f*cking, and the little girl says, "What're they doing?"
Her mother says, "They're baking a cake."
The next day the little girl says, "Mommy, you and Daddy were baking a cake in the living room last night, huh?"
Her mother says, "Why do you say that?"
The little girl says, "I licked the frosting off the couch."
A girl's standing at The Gates Of Heaven and she hears horrible screams coming from inside.
She says to St. Peter, "What's going on?"
St. Peter says, "That's the sounds of the new angels. They're getting big holes drilled in their backs for their wings, and small holes drilled in their heads for their halos."
She says, "Heaven sounds horrible. I think I'd rather go to Hell."
St. Peter says, "You can go to Hell ... but you'll be constantly gang-banged and sodomized."
She says, "That's okay. I've already got holes for that."
A little old lady walks into a sex shop and says to the guy behind the counter, "D-d-do y-y-you h-h-have v-v-vibrators?"
The guy says, "Yes, ma'am, we have vibrators. We carry many models."
She says, "D-d-do y-y-you h-h-have a-a-a p-p-pink one, t-t-ten inches l-l-long a-a-and a-a-about t-t-two i-i-inches th-th-thick?"
The guy says, "Yes, ma'am, we do."
"C-c-can y-y-you sh-sh-show m-m-me h-h-how t-t-to t-t-turn th-th-the f-f-f*cking th-th-thing o-o-off?"
One sperm says to the other sperm, "How far is it to the ovary?"
The other sperm says, "Relax. We haven't even passed the tonsils yet."
What's the worst thing about anal sex with a horse?
When it's his turn.
Schneider's losing it. He's been wrestling with the meaning of life for years and years, and it's gotten to where that's all that's ever on his mind.
He can't concentrate on anything except the question, "What is life?"
He looks on Craig's List and finds the world's deepest thinker is a guru who lives high atop Mt. Everest in The Himalayan Mountains in India. He saves his money until he can afford to make his way to India. When he gets there he hires a few Sherpas and they start their trek to the top.
After weeks of snow and cold and pain, Schneider's expedition gets to the mountaintop. He spots a little man in a turban sitting cross-legged in front of a small fire, and recognizes him as the guru he's longed to meet.
He walks over to the little man, and says, "Sir, I've come so, so very far ... so, so far, to ask you the one question that's been burning in me for so, so long ... sir, what is life?"
The guru slowly lifts his head and says, "My son, life is a fountain."
Schneider says, "Life's a fountain?"
The guru says, "Life's not a fountain?"
Schneider says, "Doc, I don't know what's wrong with me. I look bad, but I feel good."
The doctor says, "You look good but you feel bad?"
Schneider says, "No, no ... I look bad, but I feel good."
The doctor says, "You look bad and you feel bad?"
Schneider says, "No, no, no ... I look bad, but I feel good."
The doctor says, "You look bad, but you feel good?"
Schneider says, "That's it."
The doctor says, "You're a vagina."
A kid walks in and says, "Mommy, I had sex with my teacher after school today."
She says, "Go sit in the corner until your father gets home."
He says, "I can't."
What's the difference between weed and *****?
If you can smell a ***** from across the room, it's not the good ****.
Two o'clock one afternoon, Dirty Johnny's mother walks into the kitchen and finds a note ...
"Hi, Ma. I only had a half day of school so I got home early. Right now I'm at the park playing football.
My report card's on the table. Don't read the grades, just sign it, and then make two dozen brownies for my school lunch tomorrow.
And Daddy called. Please call him as soon as you get out from under Uncle Clem.
Love, Johnny."
Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms?
After you f*ck her, they stay and talk to her.
The veterinarian says to a blonde, "Your dog needs some exercise. You need to make sure he runs around. Try playing a game of fetch with him."
The blonde says, "I can't play fetch with him."
The doctor says, "Why not?"
"He can't throw."
A woman walks into a bar.
A guy walks up to her and says, "I'm gonna make your nipples hard."
She says, "You better watch what you say. My husband's coming in right behind me."
The guy says, "I ain't done. After I make your nipples hard, I'm gonna pull off your panties, turn you upside-down, fill your pu$$y full of beer and suck it all out."
Just then her husband walks in.
She runs up to him and says, "That guy over there just told me he's gonna make my nipples hard."
Her husband says, "Yeah? Well, I'm gonna go kick his ass."
She says, "And that's not all. He said that after he makes my nipples hard, he's gonna pull off my panties, turn me upside-down, fill my pu$$y full of beer and suck it all out."
Her husband says, "Oh, yeah? Well, f*ck it then."
She says, "What do you mean?"
He says, "I ain't f*ckin' with nobody can drink that much beer."
What's relative humidity?
The sweat on your balls when you're ****ing your sister-in-law
and you hear your brother walk in the door.
Turn Key
Stuck up North
Thursday night, an elderly man gradually woke up, stiff as a plank in a hospital's ICU, tubes up his nose & down the throat, wires monitoring his every function & a hell of a pain over the left ear, conscious only of a really gorgeous nurse just hovering over him
The angel of death maybe, and it was obvious he'd been in a serious accident.
She looked deep & steady into his eyes and spoke to him slowly, in a heavenly tone saying, 'You may not feel anything from the waist down.'
He managed to mumble unhesitatingly in reply, 'Can I just play with your ****, then?'
The angel of death maybe, and it was obvious he'd been in a serious accident.
She looked deep & steady into his eyes and spoke to him slowly, in a heavenly tone saying, 'You may not feel anything from the waist down.'
He managed to mumble unhesitatingly in reply, 'Can I just play with your ****, then?'
Warning! Some of these are pretty off color. Emp will love them.
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My wife just came in and said "I don't know if I am coming or going."I said to her, "Judging by the look on your face, you're going - 'cus when you're coming,
you look like a ****ing Down Syndrome kid trying to whistle!"************* ___________________________________________________
A guy gets a call from the police telling him that his house was robbed.The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife.A moment of silence passes and the guy says, "I can't believe theyscrewed my wife after only five beers!"************* _____________________________________________Got this text from my brother recently. It read. "Can I stay at your house for a while?
The ol' Lady kicked me out after she caught me measuring my dick. ....It just reaches the back of her sister's throat!"************* _____________________________________________I was banging this nice Lady over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said,
"It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!" Thinking back, I really should have ran - but
you don't get offers like that every day.************* ____________________________________________Sorry for not calling you on New Years, I just got out of jail. I got locked up forpunching the **** out of this idiot at a party.In my defense…when you hear an Arab counting down from 10, your instincts kick in.************* ___________________________________________________I saw a fortune teller the other day.She told me I would come into some money.Last night I screwed a girl called Penny - is that spooky or what?************* _____________________________________________________The missus asked me, "When you're on a boys only trip away, do you think about me?" ....Apparently "Only to stop myself from coming too quickly" wasn't the right answer .*** _______________________________________________________________Some guy just knocked on my door selling raffle tickets for poor black orphans.I said, "Screw that - knowing my luck, I'd win one!"************* ___________________________________________________What's the difference between an illegal Mexican and ET?ET looked better, smelled better, learned English, didn't claim benefits,had his own damn bike, and wanted to go home!************* ____________________________________________________A Guy walks up to a beautiful woman in a bar and says,"You remind me of my little toe"She replies, "What? You Mean I'm small and cute?"He says, "No. I'll probably bang you on the coffee tableLater when I'm drunk!"
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My wife just came in and said "I don't know if I am coming or going."I said to her, "Judging by the look on your face, you're going - 'cus when you're coming,
you look like a ****ing Down Syndrome kid trying to whistle!"************* ___________________________________________________
A guy gets a call from the police telling him that his house was robbed.The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife.A moment of silence passes and the guy says, "I can't believe theyscrewed my wife after only five beers!"************* _____________________________________________Got this text from my brother recently. It read. "Can I stay at your house for a while?
The ol' Lady kicked me out after she caught me measuring my dick. ....It just reaches the back of her sister's throat!"************* _____________________________________________I was banging this nice Lady over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said,
"It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!" Thinking back, I really should have ran - but
you don't get offers like that every day.************* ____________________________________________Sorry for not calling you on New Years, I just got out of jail. I got locked up forpunching the **** out of this idiot at a party.In my defense…when you hear an Arab counting down from 10, your instincts kick in.************* ___________________________________________________I saw a fortune teller the other day.She told me I would come into some money.Last night I screwed a girl called Penny - is that spooky or what?************* _____________________________________________________The missus asked me, "When you're on a boys only trip away, do you think about me?" ....Apparently "Only to stop myself from coming too quickly" wasn't the right answer .*** _______________________________________________________________Some guy just knocked on my door selling raffle tickets for poor black orphans.I said, "Screw that - knowing my luck, I'd win one!"************* ___________________________________________________What's the difference between an illegal Mexican and ET?ET looked better, smelled better, learned English, didn't claim benefits,had his own damn bike, and wanted to go home!************* ____________________________________________________A Guy walks up to a beautiful woman in a bar and says,"You remind me of my little toe"She replies, "What? You Mean I'm small and cute?"He says, "No. I'll probably bang you on the coffee tableLater when I'm drunk!"
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Okay Freak, those were good. Now for some really saucy ones! Everyone be reminded, these are not for the less-humorous!
May I give credit to Jackie "The Jokeman" Martling; A very funny mother f*cker!
Schneider's watching football when his wife walks in and says, "Want to make love to me?"
He says, "After the football game, babe."
She says, "You could record it, you know."
He says, "Cool, you get the camcorder and I'll come upstairs after the game."
Hoffmann's wife sends him to the local market to get some organic vegetables. He looks around a while and can't find any labels on anything, so he grabs a few handfuls of fresh produce.
He goes up to an old guy in an apron and says, "My friend, these vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?"
The old guy says, "No, you'll have to do that yourself."
Ellis says to Goldberger, "My wife thinks she's a Christmas card."
Goldberger says, "Why don't you send her to your psychiatrist?"
Ellis says, "Why should I? He never sends me one."
Dirty Johnny's parents take him to see Santa Claus, and Johnny climbs up on Santa's knee.
Santa says, "What do you want for Christmas?"
He taps Johnny on the nose as he says, "Some t-o-y-s?"
Johnny taps Santa's nose the same way and says, "No, I've got lots of t-o-y-s."
Santa taps, "Do you want some c-a-n-d-y?"
Johnny taps back, "No, I got tons of stupid c-a-n-d-y."
Santa says, "Well, what do you want?"
Johnny taps on Santa's nose, "Some p-u-s-s-y, and I know you can get me some, because can I smell it on your fingers."
What's the difference between a lawyer and a vagina?
You never feel like choking a vagina to death.
The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."
A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard."
The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."
The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You mother f*cker."
The judge stops the proceedings and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that a problem?"
The guy stands up and says, "Your honor, for fifteen years I've lived next door to that son-of-a-bitch, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."
What nationality is Santa Claus?
North Polish.
When do you know you're really stressed?
You wake up screaming
and then realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
Sabean says to the doctor, "Doc, I've got this uncontrollable need to f*ck horses."
The doctor says, "Male or female?"
Sabean says, "Female. I'm no ***."
Harry says to Eddie, "My wife's making me crazy. I gotta get rid of her, but I'm afraid if I kill her I'll get caught."
Eddie says, "There's a simple solution. F*ck her to death. F*ck her five, six, seven times a day, and she'll be dead in six months."
Five months later Eddie goes to see Harry, and when he gets to the house he sees the yard's immaculate, there's music blaring from a speaker in the window, and Harry's wife is dancing as she's tending to her huge vegetable and flower beds. He walks up to the porch, and there's Harry, in a rocking chair. He's gaunt as hell, he weighs about ninety pounds, and he looks terrible.
Eddie says, "Damn, Harry, your wife sure looks happy."
Harry says, "Yeah ... little does she know she's only got three weeks to live."
Did you hear about the guy who couldn't come?
We had to go get him.
A little Italian grandfather comes up to Customs.
The Customs official says, "Have you got anything to declare?"
He thinks a second and he says, "It's a nice-a day!"
Hamell's wife's been in a coma for ten years. For the entire ten years she's never spoken or moved at all. Then one day a nurse is giving her a sponge bath, and as the sponge rubs across Hamell's wife's ****, she moans. The nurse gets the doctor, the doctor tries it, and she moans again.
The doctor calls Hamell and says, "Mr. Hamell, you must get to the hospital immediately."
When Hamell gets there, the doctor says, "We have a breakthrough. I think a little oral sex might snap your wife out of it. Go into her room and we'll monitor her from out here in the hall."
Hamell goes into his wife's room, and the doctor and the nurse watch her heart monitor go "bleep ... bleep" ... and then die out. She flatlines, completely flatlines. They run into the room and see Hamell pulling up his pants.
The doctor says, "What happened?"
Hamell says, "I think she choked to death."
A guy walks up to a woman wearing a full-length fur and says, "Do you know how many animals had to die for that coat?"
She says, "Do you know how many animals I had to f*ck for this coat?"
Fecalburger goes to the doctor for an examination, and when it's done, the doctor says, "Mr. Fecalburger, you have an incurable disease. There's nothing I can do."
Fecalburger says, "Do you have any advice for me at all, Doc?"
The doctor says, "Take three mud baths a day."
Fecalburger says, "Will that prolong my life?"
The doctor says, "No, but it'll get you used to the dirt."
Schpunkle says to the doctor, "I'm thinking about having a vasectomy."
The doctor says, "That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?"
Schpunkle says, "Yeah. They're in favor of it, fourteen to three."
A black guy's standing in front of a Cadillac dealer when a salesman walks up and says, "Thinking about buying a Cadillac?"
The black guy says, "No, I am buying a Cadillac. I'm thinkin' about p*ssy."
Why's it take longer to build a snow woman than a snowman?
Because you have to hollow out the head.
how fat was she?
She wipes her ass with wallpaper.
A guy's tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth when his wife asks him a question. As he turns to answer, the peanut falls into his ear. He tries to dig it out, but that only pushes it in deeper, so they decide to go to the hospital. As they're about to leave, their daughter comes in with her date.
After they explain, the daughter's date says, "I can get the peanut out."
He shoves two fingers into the father's nose, and says, "Blow hard."
The father blows, and the peanut flies out of his ear.
The mother turns to the father and says, "Isn't he smart? I wonder what he plans to be."
The father says, "From the smell of his fingers, I'd say our son-in-law."
What are calories?
They're the little bastards that get into your wardrobe at night
and sew your clothes tighter.
What's white and goes up?
A retarded snowflake.
Two old ladies are sitting at the slot machines in Atlantic City.
The first one says, "Did you come on the bus?"
The second one says, "Yeah, but I made it look like an asthma attack."
The Schneidermans get to their honeymoon suite, and Schneiderman says, "Honey, would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
His new wife says, "Babe, I'd have married you no matter who left you the fortune."
How do you get your wife to stop sucking on her thumb?
Draw a c*ck on it.
Angelina goes into a confessional and says, "Please forgive me, Father. Yesterday my boyfriend and I had sex seven times."
The Priest says, "My dear, go home, cut up seven lemons and suck all of the juice out of the pieces."
Angelina says, "Will that cleanse me of my sins?"
The Priest says, "No, but it'll take the stupid smile off your face."
Burford says to his doctor, "Doc, do you think I'll live to be eighty?"
The doctor says, "Do you smoke tobacco or drink beer or wine?"
Burford says, "No. And I don't do drugs, either."
The doctor says, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
Burford says, "No, my other doctor said that red meat's very unhealthy."
The doctor says, "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun? Like, do you play golf, or spend a lot of time tanning, hiking or bicycling?"
Burford says, "No."
The doctor says, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
Burford says, "No, I don't do any of those things."
The doctor says, "Then why the f*ck do want to live so long, you boring ****?"
Why are Italians always tired?
They wake up oily every morning.
Finally she yells, "Friedman, come over here."
He walks over, she opens the door, and she says, "Tell me the truth ... do I look fat in this?"
Friedman says, "Yeah ... but to be fair, it's a small bathroom."
Norris goes to pick up his blind date at her house, and when he gets there, he finds out she has no arms and no legs. Being a good sport, Norris picks her up, puts her in his car and takes her to a movie. When the movie's over, he picks her up again, and puts her back in the car.
She says, "Do you have any rope with you?"
He says, "Why, yeah."
She says, "Do you know where that big old oak is, with the real low limb, down in the dark corner of the park?"
Norris says, "Yeah."
She says, "Why don't you take us there."
When they get there, she has Norris undress her and then she gives him explicit instructions how to use the rope to suspend her from the limb, and they proceed to have the wildest sex that Norris has ever had. When they're done, Norris drives her home, and carries her inside her house.
As he's leaving, her father grabs him by the arm, and says, "Here, son," and tries to give Norris five hundred dollars.
Norris says, "I can't take that, sir."
The father says, "Please, take the money."
Norris says, "I-I can't, sir. You see, I had sex with your daughter."
Her father says, "Well, of course you did. But you're the first guy who didn't leave her hanging from that f*cking tree."
When's the job toughest for both a psychiatrist and a gynecologist?
When their patients' lips are sealed.
A girl with hair-sprayed hair a foot tall, frighteningly long fingernails and enough make-up for six clowns walks into a drug store.
She's chewing gum like a machine, and she says to the druggist, "Yo, misteh, you sell extra-large scum bags?"
He says, "Umm ... uhh ... yes, yes, Ma'am ... yes, we do, we carry extra-large condoms. Would you like to buy some?"
She says, "No, I'll just hang out here and wait to meet the next guy who does."
for the kids:
Why do farts smell?
So you can even enjoy them with headphones on.
Josh walks into the doctor's office.
He's got a carrot in one ear, a banana in the other ear,
and a French fry in each nostril.
He says, "Doctor, I feel terrible."
The doctor says, "You're just not eating right."
What's the difference between a book and a booger?
You put your book on top of the table.
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
He didn't have any guts.
Why'd Harry slide down the bannister?
He was too lazy to buy toilet paper.
END OF KIDS' SECTION!
A lady gets out of the shower, slips, and falls so hard that a vacuum's created in her p*ssy when she lands spread-eagled on the floor, and she gets stuck. Her husband tries to lift her up but she won't budge. He pushes her shoulders back and forth, but it's like she's glued there. He goes next door and gets the neighbor, and then both of them pull like oxen, but she just won't budge.
The neighbor says, "Hey, I'll just go and get my hammer and we'll bust up the tiles up around her thighs. That'll break the suction and then we can lift her up."
The husband says, "That's a good idea. But first let me twist her nipples a little and get her aroused."
The neighbor says, "Why in hell would you do that?"
He says, "I want to get her lubed up so we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles are cheaper."
Mrs. Fecalburger says to her husband, "Fecalburger, what do you like best about me, my pretty face or my sexy body?"
He says, "Your sense of humor."
How'd Captain Hook die?
He wiped with the wrong hand.
Two Spanish guys show up at the Gates of Heaven. St. Peter says to them, "What do you want?"
One of the Spanish guys says, "We want in."
St. Peter says, "Let me go ask God."
He walks over to God and says, "God, there are two Spanish guys at the Gates who want in."
God says, "If they are good people, let them in."
St. Peter nods, and returns to the gates.
He comes back to God immediately and says, "God, they're gone."
God says, "The Spanish guys?"
St. Peter says, "No. The gates."
Polish proctologist?
Used two fingers ... wanted to get a second opinion.
An Italian couple gets married, and on their wedding night, he goes down on her. And he really goes to it ... her thighs are sweating and slapping against his cheeks, he's muff-munching to beat the band. The only fresh air he gets is when she farts. Two hours he keeps his face buried in there. The next morning, they sleep so late that they miss breakfast, so they go down for lunch, and the husband orders spaghetti.
The waiter puts a plate of spaghetti in front of him, and just as the waiter is walking away, the husband starts freaking out, "Waiter! Waiter! Get the f*ck back here!"
The waiter runs over and says, "Yes, sir, what's wrong?"
The husband says, "Waiter, there's a hair in my spaghetti! Get it the f*ck out of here! There's a hair in my spaghetti! Get it the f*ck out of here!"
The waiter says, "Yes, sir, right away, sir ...," and he grabs it and takes it away.
The wife looks over at her new husband, and says, "Sal, aren't you being somewhat of a hypocrite? Last night you had your face full of hair for hours."
He says, "How long do you think I would've been down there if I found a f*cking noodle in there?"
A guy comes up to check out at the supermarket, and puts one roll of toilet paper, a pint of milk, and one frozen TV dinner on the counter.
The checkout girl says, "Are you single?"
The guy says, "Yeah. How could you tell?"
She says, "You're really ugly."
May I give credit to Jackie "The Jokeman" Martling; A very funny mother f*cker!
Schneider's watching football when his wife walks in and says, "Want to make love to me?"
He says, "After the football game, babe."
She says, "You could record it, you know."
He says, "Cool, you get the camcorder and I'll come upstairs after the game."
Hoffmann's wife sends him to the local market to get some organic vegetables. He looks around a while and can't find any labels on anything, so he grabs a few handfuls of fresh produce.
He goes up to an old guy in an apron and says, "My friend, these vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?"
The old guy says, "No, you'll have to do that yourself."
Ellis says to Goldberger, "My wife thinks she's a Christmas card."
Goldberger says, "Why don't you send her to your psychiatrist?"
Ellis says, "Why should I? He never sends me one."
Dirty Johnny's parents take him to see Santa Claus, and Johnny climbs up on Santa's knee.
Santa says, "What do you want for Christmas?"
He taps Johnny on the nose as he says, "Some t-o-y-s?"
Johnny taps Santa's nose the same way and says, "No, I've got lots of t-o-y-s."
Santa taps, "Do you want some c-a-n-d-y?"
Johnny taps back, "No, I got tons of stupid c-a-n-d-y."
Santa says, "Well, what do you want?"
Johnny taps on Santa's nose, "Some p-u-s-s-y, and I know you can get me some, because can I smell it on your fingers."
What's the difference between a lawyer and a vagina?
You never feel like choking a vagina to death.
The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."
A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard."
The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."
The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You mother f*cker."
The judge stops the proceedings and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that a problem?"
The guy stands up and says, "Your honor, for fifteen years I've lived next door to that son-of-a-bitch, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."
What nationality is Santa Claus?
North Polish.
When do you know you're really stressed?
You wake up screaming
and then realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
Sabean says to the doctor, "Doc, I've got this uncontrollable need to f*ck horses."
The doctor says, "Male or female?"
Sabean says, "Female. I'm no ***."
Harry says to Eddie, "My wife's making me crazy. I gotta get rid of her, but I'm afraid if I kill her I'll get caught."
Eddie says, "There's a simple solution. F*ck her to death. F*ck her five, six, seven times a day, and she'll be dead in six months."
Five months later Eddie goes to see Harry, and when he gets to the house he sees the yard's immaculate, there's music blaring from a speaker in the window, and Harry's wife is dancing as she's tending to her huge vegetable and flower beds. He walks up to the porch, and there's Harry, in a rocking chair. He's gaunt as hell, he weighs about ninety pounds, and he looks terrible.
Eddie says, "Damn, Harry, your wife sure looks happy."
Harry says, "Yeah ... little does she know she's only got three weeks to live."
Did you hear about the guy who couldn't come?
We had to go get him.
A little Italian grandfather comes up to Customs.
The Customs official says, "Have you got anything to declare?"
He thinks a second and he says, "It's a nice-a day!"
Hamell's wife's been in a coma for ten years. For the entire ten years she's never spoken or moved at all. Then one day a nurse is giving her a sponge bath, and as the sponge rubs across Hamell's wife's ****, she moans. The nurse gets the doctor, the doctor tries it, and she moans again.
The doctor calls Hamell and says, "Mr. Hamell, you must get to the hospital immediately."
When Hamell gets there, the doctor says, "We have a breakthrough. I think a little oral sex might snap your wife out of it. Go into her room and we'll monitor her from out here in the hall."
Hamell goes into his wife's room, and the doctor and the nurse watch her heart monitor go "bleep ... bleep" ... and then die out. She flatlines, completely flatlines. They run into the room and see Hamell pulling up his pants.
The doctor says, "What happened?"
Hamell says, "I think she choked to death."
A guy walks up to a woman wearing a full-length fur and says, "Do you know how many animals had to die for that coat?"
She says, "Do you know how many animals I had to f*ck for this coat?"
Fecalburger goes to the doctor for an examination, and when it's done, the doctor says, "Mr. Fecalburger, you have an incurable disease. There's nothing I can do."
Fecalburger says, "Do you have any advice for me at all, Doc?"
The doctor says, "Take three mud baths a day."
Fecalburger says, "Will that prolong my life?"
The doctor says, "No, but it'll get you used to the dirt."
Schpunkle says to the doctor, "I'm thinking about having a vasectomy."
The doctor says, "That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?"
Schpunkle says, "Yeah. They're in favor of it, fourteen to three."
A black guy's standing in front of a Cadillac dealer when a salesman walks up and says, "Thinking about buying a Cadillac?"
The black guy says, "No, I am buying a Cadillac. I'm thinkin' about p*ssy."
Why's it take longer to build a snow woman than a snowman?
Because you have to hollow out the head.
how fat was she?
She wipes her ass with wallpaper.
A guy's tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth when his wife asks him a question. As he turns to answer, the peanut falls into his ear. He tries to dig it out, but that only pushes it in deeper, so they decide to go to the hospital. As they're about to leave, their daughter comes in with her date.
After they explain, the daughter's date says, "I can get the peanut out."
He shoves two fingers into the father's nose, and says, "Blow hard."
The father blows, and the peanut flies out of his ear.
The mother turns to the father and says, "Isn't he smart? I wonder what he plans to be."
The father says, "From the smell of his fingers, I'd say our son-in-law."
What are calories?
They're the little bastards that get into your wardrobe at night
and sew your clothes tighter.
What's white and goes up?
A retarded snowflake.
Two old ladies are sitting at the slot machines in Atlantic City.
The first one says, "Did you come on the bus?"
The second one says, "Yeah, but I made it look like an asthma attack."
The Schneidermans get to their honeymoon suite, and Schneiderman says, "Honey, would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
His new wife says, "Babe, I'd have married you no matter who left you the fortune."
How do you get your wife to stop sucking on her thumb?
Draw a c*ck on it.
Angelina goes into a confessional and says, "Please forgive me, Father. Yesterday my boyfriend and I had sex seven times."
The Priest says, "My dear, go home, cut up seven lemons and suck all of the juice out of the pieces."
Angelina says, "Will that cleanse me of my sins?"
The Priest says, "No, but it'll take the stupid smile off your face."
Burford says to his doctor, "Doc, do you think I'll live to be eighty?"
The doctor says, "Do you smoke tobacco or drink beer or wine?"
Burford says, "No. And I don't do drugs, either."
The doctor says, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
Burford says, "No, my other doctor said that red meat's very unhealthy."
The doctor says, "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun? Like, do you play golf, or spend a lot of time tanning, hiking or bicycling?"
Burford says, "No."
The doctor says, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
Burford says, "No, I don't do any of those things."
The doctor says, "Then why the f*ck do want to live so long, you boring ****?"
Why are Italians always tired?
They wake up oily every morning.
Finally she yells, "Friedman, come over here."
He walks over, she opens the door, and she says, "Tell me the truth ... do I look fat in this?"
Friedman says, "Yeah ... but to be fair, it's a small bathroom."
Norris goes to pick up his blind date at her house, and when he gets there, he finds out she has no arms and no legs. Being a good sport, Norris picks her up, puts her in his car and takes her to a movie. When the movie's over, he picks her up again, and puts her back in the car.
She says, "Do you have any rope with you?"
He says, "Why, yeah."
She says, "Do you know where that big old oak is, with the real low limb, down in the dark corner of the park?"
Norris says, "Yeah."
She says, "Why don't you take us there."
When they get there, she has Norris undress her and then she gives him explicit instructions how to use the rope to suspend her from the limb, and they proceed to have the wildest sex that Norris has ever had. When they're done, Norris drives her home, and carries her inside her house.
As he's leaving, her father grabs him by the arm, and says, "Here, son," and tries to give Norris five hundred dollars.
Norris says, "I can't take that, sir."
The father says, "Please, take the money."
Norris says, "I-I can't, sir. You see, I had sex with your daughter."
Her father says, "Well, of course you did. But you're the first guy who didn't leave her hanging from that f*cking tree."
When's the job toughest for both a psychiatrist and a gynecologist?
When their patients' lips are sealed.
A girl with hair-sprayed hair a foot tall, frighteningly long fingernails and enough make-up for six clowns walks into a drug store.
She's chewing gum like a machine, and she says to the druggist, "Yo, misteh, you sell extra-large scum bags?"
He says, "Umm ... uhh ... yes, yes, Ma'am ... yes, we do, we carry extra-large condoms. Would you like to buy some?"
She says, "No, I'll just hang out here and wait to meet the next guy who does."
for the kids:
Why do farts smell?
So you can even enjoy them with headphones on.
Josh walks into the doctor's office.
He's got a carrot in one ear, a banana in the other ear,
and a French fry in each nostril.
He says, "Doctor, I feel terrible."
The doctor says, "You're just not eating right."
What's the difference between a book and a booger?
You put your book on top of the table.
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
He didn't have any guts.
Why'd Harry slide down the bannister?
He was too lazy to buy toilet paper.
END OF KIDS' SECTION!
A lady gets out of the shower, slips, and falls so hard that a vacuum's created in her p*ssy when she lands spread-eagled on the floor, and she gets stuck. Her husband tries to lift her up but she won't budge. He pushes her shoulders back and forth, but it's like she's glued there. He goes next door and gets the neighbor, and then both of them pull like oxen, but she just won't budge.
The neighbor says, "Hey, I'll just go and get my hammer and we'll bust up the tiles up around her thighs. That'll break the suction and then we can lift her up."
The husband says, "That's a good idea. But first let me twist her nipples a little and get her aroused."
The neighbor says, "Why in hell would you do that?"
He says, "I want to get her lubed up so we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles are cheaper."
Mrs. Fecalburger says to her husband, "Fecalburger, what do you like best about me, my pretty face or my sexy body?"
He says, "Your sense of humor."
How'd Captain Hook die?
He wiped with the wrong hand.
Two Spanish guys show up at the Gates of Heaven. St. Peter says to them, "What do you want?"
One of the Spanish guys says, "We want in."
St. Peter says, "Let me go ask God."
He walks over to God and says, "God, there are two Spanish guys at the Gates who want in."
God says, "If they are good people, let them in."
St. Peter nods, and returns to the gates.
He comes back to God immediately and says, "God, they're gone."
God says, "The Spanish guys?"
St. Peter says, "No. The gates."
Polish proctologist?
Used two fingers ... wanted to get a second opinion.
An Italian couple gets married, and on their wedding night, he goes down on her. And he really goes to it ... her thighs are sweating and slapping against his cheeks, he's muff-munching to beat the band. The only fresh air he gets is when she farts. Two hours he keeps his face buried in there. The next morning, they sleep so late that they miss breakfast, so they go down for lunch, and the husband orders spaghetti.
The waiter puts a plate of spaghetti in front of him, and just as the waiter is walking away, the husband starts freaking out, "Waiter! Waiter! Get the f*ck back here!"
The waiter runs over and says, "Yes, sir, what's wrong?"
The husband says, "Waiter, there's a hair in my spaghetti! Get it the f*ck out of here! There's a hair in my spaghetti! Get it the f*ck out of here!"
The waiter says, "Yes, sir, right away, sir ...," and he grabs it and takes it away.
The wife looks over at her new husband, and says, "Sal, aren't you being somewhat of a hypocrite? Last night you had your face full of hair for hours."
He says, "How long do you think I would've been down there if I found a f*cking noodle in there?"
A guy comes up to check out at the supermarket, and puts one roll of toilet paper, a pint of milk, and one frozen TV dinner on the counter.
The checkout girl says, "Are you single?"
The guy says, "Yeah. How could you tell?"
She says, "You're really ugly."
You might recall that John Hinckley was a seriously deranged young man who shot President Reagan in 1981. Hinckley was absolutely obsessed with movie star Jodie Foster and, in his twisted mind, loved Jodie to the point that to make himself well known to her, he attempted to assassinate President Reagan. There is speculation Hinckley may soon be released as having been rehabilitated. Consequently, you will appreciate the following letter from Nancy Reagan to John Hinckley. We could all learn so much from this elegant and gracious lady:
To: John Hinckley
From: Mrs. Nancy Reagan
My family and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our country's spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know that we bear no grudge against you for shooting Ronnie. We are fully aware that mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation. We're confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive man.
Best wishes,
Nancy Reagan & Family
P.S. While you have been incarcerated, Barack Obama has been banging Jodie Foster like a screen door in a tornado. You might want to look into that.
To: John Hinckley
From: Mrs. Nancy Reagan
My family and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our country's spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know that we bear no grudge against you for shooting Ronnie. We are fully aware that mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation. We're confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive man.
Best wishes,
Nancy Reagan & Family
P.S. While you have been incarcerated, Barack Obama has been banging Jodie Foster like a screen door in a tornado. You might want to look into that.
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It has already started at Cabela's Sporting Goods Store.
There was a bit of confusion at their store this morning.
When my friend was ready to pay for his purchases of gunpowder and bullets, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."
He made a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, and did just as she had instructed.
When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, he found out that she was referring to how he should place his credit card in the card-reader.
He has been asked to shop elsewhere in the future and feels they need to make their instructions to seniors a little clearer!
HE STILL DOESN'T THINK HE LOOKED THAT BAD!
There was a bit of confusion at their store this morning.
When my friend was ready to pay for his purchases of gunpowder and bullets, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."
He made a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, and did just as she had instructed.
When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, he found out that she was referring to how he should place his credit card in the card-reader.
He has been asked to shop elsewhere in the future and feels they need to make their instructions to seniors a little clearer!
HE STILL DOESN'T THINK HE LOOKED THAT BAD!
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