Joke of the day
- Thread starter CEHollier
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A Physicist, an engineer, and a statistician out hunting. The physicist calculates the trajectory using ballistic equations, but assumes no air resistance, so his shot falls 5 meters short. The engineer adds a fudge factor for air resistance, and his shot lands 5 meters long. The statistician yells "We got 'em!"
The morning after the High School Prom a woman gets a text from her daughter:
"Mom, I'm freaking out. I got drunk, I'm at the beach and I got *** in my hair."
Her mother texts back, "I'm really glad you're so open with me. Very often a guy will pull it out of your mouth to shoot on your face and some of it gets in your hair. Just jump in the water, it'll wash right out."
The girl texts back, "Thanks so much for sharing. Mom ... but I meant to type gum."
"Mom, I'm freaking out. I got drunk, I'm at the beach and I got *** in my hair."
Her mother texts back, "I'm really glad you're so open with me. Very often a guy will pull it out of your mouth to shoot on your face and some of it gets in your hair. Just jump in the water, it'll wash right out."
The girl texts back, "Thanks so much for sharing. Mom ... but I meant to type gum."
Warning: By reading these, you are assuming you are not a stick in the mud, a dotard, a fusspot, or a dullard! Squares beware!
Without warning his wife, Friedman brings a new friend home for dinner.
They walk in and he says, "Honey, this is Eddie, and we're starving."
She goes nuts.
She says, "Jesus Christ, Friedman! What the hell's wrong with you? My hair's a mess, I got on no make-up, the house looks like a bomb hit it, the dishes are piled up in the sink, I'm still in my sweats, I've got my period. I ain't cooking tonight! Why the hell'd you bring somebody home without warning me?"
Friedman says, "Because he's thinking about getting married."
Once upon a time a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?"
The Princess said, "No."
And the Prince lived happily ever after.
And he rode motorcycles and f**ked skinny, big-titted broads and hunted and fished whenever the f**k he wanted and went to naked bars and dated women half his age and drank whiskey, beer and Captain Morgan and snorted cocaine off stripper's a$$es and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and ate pu$$ies and a$$-f**ked cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was f**king cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank.
And he left the toilet seat up.
The End.
Kelly's whittling, he doesn't realize his zipper's open, and he almost cuts off his dick.
His dick looks up and says, "You know, we've had a lot of fistfights, but I never thought you'd pull a knife on me."
Bruce comes home one day and says to his lover, "Please do me a favor? It feels like something's stuck up my ass. Could you please check it out for me?"
His roommate lubes up a finger and shoves it far up Bruce's ass, feeling all around as Bruce squeals with glee.
He says, "I don't feel anything."
Bruce says, "Trust me, there's something up there. Try lubing up your whole hand and checking it out."
So his roommate lubes up his hand all the way up to his wrist and sticks it up Bruce's ass. He feels around a while and then pulls out a Rolex watch.
He says, "I found the problem. There was a watch stuck up your ass."
Bruce starts singing, "Happy birth-day to you, happy birth-day to you ..."
Mandelbaum's in a whore house just about to get it on with a blonde in a blue negligee when the fire alarm rings. She runs out of the room with his three hundred bucks still in her hand. Mandelbaum grabs his clothes and runs out after her, but the smoke's thick and he can't see anything.
He runs outside and says to a fireman, "Did you see a blonde in a blue negligee with three hundred bucks in her hand?"
The fireman says, "No."
"Well, if you see her, f**k her. It's paid for."
A fat middle-aged guy walks into a department store.
A really cute salesgirl walks up and says to him, "What would you like?"
He says, "I'd like to suck on your pu$$y until your head caves in, what I need is a pair of socks."
Two firemen are butt-f**king in a smoke-filled room when the Chief walks in.
The Chief says, "What the hell's going on?"
The guy in the back says, "Rosolino here passed out from smoke inhalation."
The Chief says, "Smoke inhalation? You're supposed to give him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation."
The guy says, "I did, Chief. That's how this **** got started."
Without warning his wife, Friedman brings a new friend home for dinner.
They walk in and he says, "Honey, this is Eddie, and we're starving."
She goes nuts.
She says, "Jesus Christ, Friedman! What the hell's wrong with you? My hair's a mess, I got on no make-up, the house looks like a bomb hit it, the dishes are piled up in the sink, I'm still in my sweats, I've got my period. I ain't cooking tonight! Why the hell'd you bring somebody home without warning me?"
Friedman says, "Because he's thinking about getting married."
Once upon a time a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?"
The Princess said, "No."
And the Prince lived happily ever after.
And he rode motorcycles and f**ked skinny, big-titted broads and hunted and fished whenever the f**k he wanted and went to naked bars and dated women half his age and drank whiskey, beer and Captain Morgan and snorted cocaine off stripper's a$$es and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and ate pu$$ies and a$$-f**ked cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was f**king cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank.
And he left the toilet seat up.
The End.
Kelly's whittling, he doesn't realize his zipper's open, and he almost cuts off his dick.
His dick looks up and says, "You know, we've had a lot of fistfights, but I never thought you'd pull a knife on me."
Bruce comes home one day and says to his lover, "Please do me a favor? It feels like something's stuck up my ass. Could you please check it out for me?"
His roommate lubes up a finger and shoves it far up Bruce's ass, feeling all around as Bruce squeals with glee.
He says, "I don't feel anything."
Bruce says, "Trust me, there's something up there. Try lubing up your whole hand and checking it out."
So his roommate lubes up his hand all the way up to his wrist and sticks it up Bruce's ass. He feels around a while and then pulls out a Rolex watch.
He says, "I found the problem. There was a watch stuck up your ass."
Bruce starts singing, "Happy birth-day to you, happy birth-day to you ..."
Mandelbaum's in a whore house just about to get it on with a blonde in a blue negligee when the fire alarm rings. She runs out of the room with his three hundred bucks still in her hand. Mandelbaum grabs his clothes and runs out after her, but the smoke's thick and he can't see anything.
He runs outside and says to a fireman, "Did you see a blonde in a blue negligee with three hundred bucks in her hand?"
The fireman says, "No."
"Well, if you see her, f**k her. It's paid for."
A fat middle-aged guy walks into a department store.
A really cute salesgirl walks up and says to him, "What would you like?"
He says, "I'd like to suck on your pu$$y until your head caves in, what I need is a pair of socks."
Two firemen are butt-f**king in a smoke-filled room when the Chief walks in.
The Chief says, "What the hell's going on?"
The guy in the back says, "Rosolino here passed out from smoke inhalation."
The Chief says, "Smoke inhalation? You're supposed to give him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation."
The guy says, "I did, Chief. That's how this **** got started."
A magician was invited to do a show at a nursing home.
He set up cameras and told the audience his first act was going to be a group hypnosis which would be filmed for later replay.
The magician pulls out his pocket watch, moving it slowly side to side and soon the audience was under.
He went to replace his watch in his pocket, but dropped it.
The watch shattered and the magician exclaimed "****!!" It took 2 days to clean up the mess.
He set up cameras and told the audience his first act was going to be a group hypnosis which would be filmed for later replay.
The magician pulls out his pocket watch, moving it slowly side to side and soon the audience was under.
He went to replace his watch in his pocket, but dropped it.
The watch shattered and the magician exclaimed "****!!" It took 2 days to clean up the mess.
A blind man applies for a job at the local wood mill as a wood quality inspector. Baffled, the plant manager calls him in for an interview.
After asking him how he does it, the blind man challenges the manager to test him, that he can grade wood and type simply by smell. He places a block of wood on the desk in front of him.
"that's a good quality piece of fir"
Really stunned, he tests him again with another block.
"that's a very rotted piece of water oak".
The manager, now thoroughly impressed, decided to try to trick him. He pulls his secretary in and has her lift her dress. Blind man takes a sniff. Hrs a little Baffled and asks the manager to turn the wood over.
She turns around and blind man takes another big sniff.
After some thought, he says "well, I'm not sure exactly what type of wood it is, but I do know that it was used as the **** house door on a tuna boat"
After asking him how he does it, the blind man challenges the manager to test him, that he can grade wood and type simply by smell. He places a block of wood on the desk in front of him.
"that's a good quality piece of fir"
Really stunned, he tests him again with another block.
"that's a very rotted piece of water oak".
The manager, now thoroughly impressed, decided to try to trick him. He pulls his secretary in and has her lift her dress. Blind man takes a sniff. Hrs a little Baffled and asks the manager to turn the wood over.
She turns around and blind man takes another big sniff.
After some thought, he says "well, I'm not sure exactly what type of wood it is, but I do know that it was used as the **** house door on a tuna boat"
general mills
Well-Known Member
If this joke has already been posted, sorry, not reading 11 pages to find out.
So Clarence opens his bedroom door early before the sun comes up and says "Marie, wake up, we're going duck hunting today!"
Marie says "No Clarence, not today, it's cold and I'm so tired"
Clarence says "Marie, I don't care. We're going duck hunting today or I'm going to do you in the rear!!!!"
Marie says "No Clarence, that hurts me so. I really don't want to go hunting today, but I hate getting done in the rear. How bout I blow you instead?"
Clarence says "well, I guess so, get started!"
Marie takes him in his mouth and exclaims "Clarence! your thing tastes like dog crap!!!"
Clarence replies, "yeah, the dog, he don't want to hunt this morning either."
So Clarence opens his bedroom door early before the sun comes up and says "Marie, wake up, we're going duck hunting today!"
Marie says "No Clarence, not today, it's cold and I'm so tired"
Clarence says "Marie, I don't care. We're going duck hunting today or I'm going to do you in the rear!!!!"
Marie says "No Clarence, that hurts me so. I really don't want to go hunting today, but I hate getting done in the rear. How bout I blow you instead?"
Clarence says "well, I guess so, get started!"
Marie takes him in his mouth and exclaims "Clarence! your thing tastes like dog crap!!!"
Clarence replies, "yeah, the dog, he don't want to hunt this morning either."
Warning! As before these are raunchy! They are funny too!
Zizzo takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?"
The vet says, "Let's have a look at him."
He picks the dog up, examines his eyes, and finally he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
Zizzo says, "What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
The vet says, "No, because he's really heavy."
The doctor walks up to Goldberg in the hospital and says, "Your wife is very weak. I don't think she's going to make it until morning. Go in and try and comfort her as best you can."
Goldberg goes into her room, and says, "Honey, the doctor says things are very bleak. Is there anything I can do to comfort you in your last hours?"
She says, "Well, all these years we've been married, I always wished that one day you'd f**k me in my ass, but you never have f**ked me in my ass. Would you please f**k me in my ass?"
Goldberg is astounded, but it's her last request, so he figures he should do what she wants. Let's face it, he's thrilled.
He rolls her over, lifts her nightie, and lets her have it right up to the hilt, he gives her all he's got and whatever he can borrow. He really stirs her lunch for her, he boffs her in the bung for a few hours.
The next morning the doctor looks in on her, and he can't believe it. She's made an incredible rally, and is rapidly regaining her strength and her health. By noon, she's up and walking. The doctor is flabbergasted.
He pulls Goldberg out into the hall and gasps, "My God, man, she's like new. She's going to live to be a hundred and twenty. What'd you do in there?"
Goldberg's a little embarrassed, and he says, "W-well, doc, I .. I just, I-I just f**ked her in the ass for a while."
The doctor starts to cry uncontrollably.
Goldberg says, "Doc, what's wrong?"
The doctor says, "I could have saved my mother, my father ..."
Ten Catholic Priests are killed in a car accident.
At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter says, "If any of you are pedophiles, please get out of this line and go straight to Hell."
Nine of them turn and start to walk away.
St. Peter says, "And take this deaf c**ksucker with you."
A Jewish guy asks a Jewish girl to marry him.
She says no, and he lives happily ever.
What do you say to an eighteen-year-old with a d*ck in her mouth,
a d*ck in her c*nt, a d*ck in her ass and a d*ck in each hand?
Seems it'd be best to call her later ... apparently she's busy.
What do you say when your girlfriend farts while you're doing her doggie-style?
"Hush, little one ... you're next."
Williams goes up to a hooker and says, "How much?"
She says, "Two hundred bucks."
He says, "Too much. For twenty bucks, will you **** in a cup?"
She says, "Yeah."
He fetches a cup, they go into an alley, she pees in it, hands it to him, and he gives her twenty bucks.
He takes out his c*ck, sticks it in the ****, and says, "Take soup, you son of a bitch. Meat's too expensive."
A lady is sitting in a restaurant when a waiter walks by digging away at his a$$hole.
She says, "Waiter! Have you got hemorrhoids?"
He says, "Just what's on the menu, lady."
A pretty young girl goes into the doctor's office.
He says, "Young lady, you need to undress so I can examine you."
She says, "But, Doctor, I can't undress in front of you."
He says, "Okay, I'll turn off the lights so you can undress. Just tell me when you're through."
In a minute she says, "Okay, I'm undressed. What should I do with my clothes?"
He says, "Put them on this chair, on top of mine."
Zizzo takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?"
The vet says, "Let's have a look at him."
He picks the dog up, examines his eyes, and finally he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
Zizzo says, "What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
The vet says, "No, because he's really heavy."
The doctor walks up to Goldberg in the hospital and says, "Your wife is very weak. I don't think she's going to make it until morning. Go in and try and comfort her as best you can."
Goldberg goes into her room, and says, "Honey, the doctor says things are very bleak. Is there anything I can do to comfort you in your last hours?"
She says, "Well, all these years we've been married, I always wished that one day you'd f**k me in my ass, but you never have f**ked me in my ass. Would you please f**k me in my ass?"
Goldberg is astounded, but it's her last request, so he figures he should do what she wants. Let's face it, he's thrilled.
He rolls her over, lifts her nightie, and lets her have it right up to the hilt, he gives her all he's got and whatever he can borrow. He really stirs her lunch for her, he boffs her in the bung for a few hours.
The next morning the doctor looks in on her, and he can't believe it. She's made an incredible rally, and is rapidly regaining her strength and her health. By noon, she's up and walking. The doctor is flabbergasted.
He pulls Goldberg out into the hall and gasps, "My God, man, she's like new. She's going to live to be a hundred and twenty. What'd you do in there?"
Goldberg's a little embarrassed, and he says, "W-well, doc, I .. I just, I-I just f**ked her in the ass for a while."
The doctor starts to cry uncontrollably.
Goldberg says, "Doc, what's wrong?"
The doctor says, "I could have saved my mother, my father ..."
Ten Catholic Priests are killed in a car accident.
At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter says, "If any of you are pedophiles, please get out of this line and go straight to Hell."
Nine of them turn and start to walk away.
St. Peter says, "And take this deaf c**ksucker with you."
A Jewish guy asks a Jewish girl to marry him.
She says no, and he lives happily ever.
What do you say to an eighteen-year-old with a d*ck in her mouth,
a d*ck in her c*nt, a d*ck in her ass and a d*ck in each hand?
Seems it'd be best to call her later ... apparently she's busy.
What do you say when your girlfriend farts while you're doing her doggie-style?
"Hush, little one ... you're next."
Williams goes up to a hooker and says, "How much?"
She says, "Two hundred bucks."
He says, "Too much. For twenty bucks, will you **** in a cup?"
She says, "Yeah."
He fetches a cup, they go into an alley, she pees in it, hands it to him, and he gives her twenty bucks.
He takes out his c*ck, sticks it in the ****, and says, "Take soup, you son of a bitch. Meat's too expensive."
A lady is sitting in a restaurant when a waiter walks by digging away at his a$$hole.
She says, "Waiter! Have you got hemorrhoids?"
He says, "Just what's on the menu, lady."
A pretty young girl goes into the doctor's office.
He says, "Young lady, you need to undress so I can examine you."
She says, "But, Doctor, I can't undress in front of you."
He says, "Okay, I'll turn off the lights so you can undress. Just tell me when you're through."
In a minute she says, "Okay, I'm undressed. What should I do with my clothes?"
He says, "Put them on this chair, on top of mine."
Warning! This is a funny joke that happens to be racist! All references and stereotypes contained within are merely conceptual and does not necessarily reflect the views of the poster or the forum. 
A boy asks his Dad: Why do people say gardeners have
"green thumbs" when their thumbs aren't really green?"
Dad replies: Well son, it's just a saying. It’s like
when some one is caught stealing something, we say
they have been caught 'red handed' even though
their hands are actually black.
A boy asks his Dad: Why do people say gardeners have
"green thumbs" when their thumbs aren't really green?"
Dad replies: Well son, it's just a saying. It’s like
when some one is caught stealing something, we say
they have been caught 'red handed' even though
their hands are actually black.
Warning! This is a very salty pedophile joke. Please do not read if you are easily offended.
The Pope, a politician, and a pedophile are in a bar when it catches fire and they all burn to death.
While in line at the Pearly Gates, St Peter greets the Pope first with the utmost reverence and respect (after all he is the Pope).
Looking over the Popes shoulder St. Peter sees the pedophile and the politician. Then all of a sudden a toddler shows up from a horrific nursery bus accident, behind them. Knowing this could be a busy day, St. Peter tells the Pope he has to take a quick bathroom break and since the Pope was the highest and holiest human on Earth St. Peter asks the Pope to cover the gate for him.
Not wanting to hold up the show, the Pope decides to interview those waiting in line. He realizes the pedophile is the kind of scum that performed fellatio on his victims but realizes that God would forgive him for his sins if he repents. So the Pope gets a great idea! He decides to allow the pedophile to atone for his sins by performing a good deed. All this time the politician is ranting about how much good he’s done and what an asset he would be in heaven. How he would do this and that, promising how he would deliver this and that, and all the horse **** politicians do; and as expected picks up the baby and starts kissing it.
The Pope and the pedophile are seeing this vulgar display of pandering and politicking and can’t believe the audacity. The pedophile whispers to himself; *Man what a jerk that guy is, I can’t believe they might let him in?* The Pope doesn’t respond right away because he wants to keep the line moving and thinks about it for a second and says under his breath; *You know what? F**k him!* Of course the pedophile, overhearing the Pope, thinks this must be a test for him. He is dumbfounded and sits there confused. The Pope looks at the pedophile stalling and says; *What are you waiting for? Get moving!* With a stroke of brilliance the pedophile says, *I don’t do a$$holes!*
The Pope, a politician, and a pedophile are in a bar when it catches fire and they all burn to death.
While in line at the Pearly Gates, St Peter greets the Pope first with the utmost reverence and respect (after all he is the Pope).
Looking over the Popes shoulder St. Peter sees the pedophile and the politician. Then all of a sudden a toddler shows up from a horrific nursery bus accident, behind them. Knowing this could be a busy day, St. Peter tells the Pope he has to take a quick bathroom break and since the Pope was the highest and holiest human on Earth St. Peter asks the Pope to cover the gate for him.
Not wanting to hold up the show, the Pope decides to interview those waiting in line. He realizes the pedophile is the kind of scum that performed fellatio on his victims but realizes that God would forgive him for his sins if he repents. So the Pope gets a great idea! He decides to allow the pedophile to atone for his sins by performing a good deed. All this time the politician is ranting about how much good he’s done and what an asset he would be in heaven. How he would do this and that, promising how he would deliver this and that, and all the horse **** politicians do; and as expected picks up the baby and starts kissing it.
The Pope and the pedophile are seeing this vulgar display of pandering and politicking and can’t believe the audacity. The pedophile whispers to himself; *Man what a jerk that guy is, I can’t believe they might let him in?* The Pope doesn’t respond right away because he wants to keep the line moving and thinks about it for a second and says under his breath; *You know what? F**k him!* Of course the pedophile, overhearing the Pope, thinks this must be a test for him. He is dumbfounded and sits there confused. The Pope looks at the pedophile stalling and says; *What are you waiting for? Get moving!* With a stroke of brilliance the pedophile says, *I don’t do a$$holes!*
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Jack and Jill wound up with a terrible stepfather when they were but toddlers. Now into their teen years, they've learned to work around his terrible ways in order to have a somewhat normal life.
Jill wants to go out with her friends and needs the family car for the night, so she asks her step dad, "Uh, Marcy and Veronica want me to go to the movies with them tonight. Can I borrow the car tonight? Please?"
Her wicked stepfather replies, "Wellllll....give me a blowjob and I'll give you the keys."
Jill takes a deep breath and sighs, "Ok"
She barely gets started when she stops and shrieks, "Agh! It tastes like poo!"
Stepdad shakes his head, snaps his fingers and says, "Oh, that's right...your brother's got the car tonight"
Jill wants to go out with her friends and needs the family car for the night, so she asks her step dad, "Uh, Marcy and Veronica want me to go to the movies with them tonight. Can I borrow the car tonight? Please?"
Her wicked stepfather replies, "Wellllll....give me a blowjob and I'll give you the keys."
Jill takes a deep breath and sighs, "Ok"
She barely gets started when she stops and shrieks, "Agh! It tastes like poo!"
Stepdad shakes his head, snaps his fingers and says, "Oh, that's right...your brother's got the car tonight"
On Halloween night, a woman opens her door to look down and see a little boy dressed as a Pirate, holding a candy sack. "oh, what a cute little Pirate you are." she coos; "but where are your Buccaneers?" The boy replies "Underneath my buccin' hat, lady!"
That was a cute one Creoleman! Here are some humdingers!
And by humdingers I again must warn you all! Some of these are depraved and sick, but they are funny. And after all can't we all use some humor in this upside down America!
Do not read any further you are easily offended by very dirty jokes!
Schmidlap's in a bus station and he has to take a dump. Now, I don't mean he's feeling rumblings in his stomach and he'll eventually have to have a movement, I mean, he's gotta go. He's really gotta pinch a loaf. I mean, the turtle is poking his head out. Come on ... you've had a fat aunt hogging the bathroom after Thanksgiving dinner ... yowie. Yeah, he's gotta go. I mean, the corn is ready to ride the rocket.
He looks in at the only stall, and there's not even a ring ... just the bowl, no seat. But he's gotta squeeze a weasel so bad, he don't care. So he sits on the bowl, balances himself, and he's just dropping a nice Carvel when he looks and sees that there's no toilet paper. Now, who'd have guessed a stall in a bus station Men's Room that doesn't even have a door or a seat would have no paper?
Duhhhh ...
But it's too late, he's already laying cable. And he can't suck it back in, it's already winding in loops inside the bowl. He doesn't know what he's going to do, when he looks, and on the side of the stall there's a little hole, and above it, it says, "Insert and finger will be cleaned by human lips."
He says, "Thank God."
He finishes, wipes his ass with his finger and then sticks his finger in the hole.
A guy on the other side smashes! Schmidlap's finger with a hammer.
Schmidlap screams,"Yowch!"
He yanks out his finger, sticks it in his mouth and goes, "Mmmm ..."
Dear Dr. Phil ...
I was watching my next door neighbor's wife sunbathing topless from my bedroom window,
and as I was jerking off I turned to notice
my wife was just standing there, arms folded, watching me.
Is she a pervert or what?
Bill Clinton's walking along and runs into a cute blonde hooker.
He says, "How much?"
She says, "Three hundred bucks."
He says, "I'll give you a hundred."
She says, "Sorry, three hundred or nothing."
The next day he's walking along with Hillary and they pass the same blonde hooker.
The hooker says, "See what you get for a hundred bucks?"
A mule's crossing the railroad tracks and gets hit. The mule goes flying a hundred feet, but his pecker gets cutoff and is left lying on one of the rails. Just then two black ladies come walking along.
One of them looks down and says, "The train done hit the minister."
Silverman says to the doctor, "Doc, I can't pee."
The doctor says, "How old are you?"
Silverman says, "Ninety-five."
The doctor says, "You've peed enough."
Why'd God give men penises?
So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
Schmidlap's sitting with his wife at a football game. Every few minutes, a different guy comes over and fondles her. They squeeze her t*ts, reach up her dress and finger her, grind against her knees ... and Schmidlap just sits there.
Finally, the guy sitting next to him says, "Hey, pal ... don't you see what the hell is going on?"
Schmidlap says, "Of course."
The guy says, "Why'd you bring her to the game?"
Schmidlap says, "Because if I leave her home, everybody goes to my house and f**ks her."
A girl goes up to the drugstore counter and says, "I'd like a box of condoms."
The pharmacist says, "Don't want to have any kids, eh?"
She says, "No, my boyfriend doesn't want to get any **** on his c**k."
Johnson says to his boss, "Damn, boss, I need some action. Thank God I got some money."
The boss says, "I need a little bit, too. But first I have to go home and get the hundred bucks I lent my wife last week."
Johnson says, "What makes you think she'll still have the hundred?"
The boss says, "She doesn't drink and she's got her own pu**y."
Friedman says, "I spent five thousand bucks on a boob job for my wife, and she was thrilled. A few months later, I blew another two grand on a nose job for her, and she was ecstatic. And right after that I spent another two thousand dollars on liposuction for her, and she couldn't thank me enough. But I spend fifty bucks on a blow job for me, and she goes ballistic. F**king women."
Hartke says, "I know what you're saying. They make me nuts. I'm fed up with the excuses they come up with for not having sex with me, like, 'I'm tired,' 'I've got a headache,' 'I'm your sister-in-law ...'""
As a couple's about to leave for a costume party, the wife says, "I just got a bad headache. But you go."
The husband puts on his costume and goes. The wife takes a nap, wakes up feeling great, and knowing her husband doesn't know what her costume is, she decides she'll go and see how he acts when she's not with him. When she gets there, she sees him on the dance floor dancing with every woman he can, all the while copping a feel here and a kiss there. She sidles up to him and without speaking a word she takes his hand, leads him out behind a bush and gives him an incredible blow job. Just before the Midnight un-masking, she slips away, goes home, hides her costume away and gets into bed.
When he walks in, she says, "How was the party?"
He says, "Oh, you know, the same old thing. I never have a good time when you're not with me."
She says, "Did you dance much?"
He says, "Not even one dance. When I got there, I ran into Pete and Bill Browning and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all night. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy who borrowed my costume."
A woman's in labor up in the stirrups and she's cursing and screaming at her husband.
He says, "Hey, don't blame me. I wanted to stick it in your ass, but you said, 'No, that'll hurt.' "
Dirty Johnny's walking past his parents bedrooom.
He looks in and says, "I can't believe you sent me to the psychiatrist for suckin' on my thumb."
And by humdingers I again must warn you all! Some of these are depraved and sick, but they are funny. And after all can't we all use some humor in this upside down America!
Do not read any further you are easily offended by very dirty jokes!
Schmidlap's in a bus station and he has to take a dump. Now, I don't mean he's feeling rumblings in his stomach and he'll eventually have to have a movement, I mean, he's gotta go. He's really gotta pinch a loaf. I mean, the turtle is poking his head out. Come on ... you've had a fat aunt hogging the bathroom after Thanksgiving dinner ... yowie. Yeah, he's gotta go. I mean, the corn is ready to ride the rocket.
He looks in at the only stall, and there's not even a ring ... just the bowl, no seat. But he's gotta squeeze a weasel so bad, he don't care. So he sits on the bowl, balances himself, and he's just dropping a nice Carvel when he looks and sees that there's no toilet paper. Now, who'd have guessed a stall in a bus station Men's Room that doesn't even have a door or a seat would have no paper?
Duhhhh ...
But it's too late, he's already laying cable. And he can't suck it back in, it's already winding in loops inside the bowl. He doesn't know what he's going to do, when he looks, and on the side of the stall there's a little hole, and above it, it says, "Insert and finger will be cleaned by human lips."
He says, "Thank God."
He finishes, wipes his ass with his finger and then sticks his finger in the hole.
A guy on the other side smashes! Schmidlap's finger with a hammer.
Schmidlap screams,"Yowch!"
He yanks out his finger, sticks it in his mouth and goes, "Mmmm ..."
Dear Dr. Phil ...
I was watching my next door neighbor's wife sunbathing topless from my bedroom window,
and as I was jerking off I turned to notice
my wife was just standing there, arms folded, watching me.
Is she a pervert or what?
Bill Clinton's walking along and runs into a cute blonde hooker.
He says, "How much?"
She says, "Three hundred bucks."
He says, "I'll give you a hundred."
She says, "Sorry, three hundred or nothing."
The next day he's walking along with Hillary and they pass the same blonde hooker.
The hooker says, "See what you get for a hundred bucks?"
A mule's crossing the railroad tracks and gets hit. The mule goes flying a hundred feet, but his pecker gets cutoff and is left lying on one of the rails. Just then two black ladies come walking along.
One of them looks down and says, "The train done hit the minister."
Silverman says to the doctor, "Doc, I can't pee."
The doctor says, "How old are you?"
Silverman says, "Ninety-five."
The doctor says, "You've peed enough."
Why'd God give men penises?
So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
Schmidlap's sitting with his wife at a football game. Every few minutes, a different guy comes over and fondles her. They squeeze her t*ts, reach up her dress and finger her, grind against her knees ... and Schmidlap just sits there.
Finally, the guy sitting next to him says, "Hey, pal ... don't you see what the hell is going on?"
Schmidlap says, "Of course."
The guy says, "Why'd you bring her to the game?"
Schmidlap says, "Because if I leave her home, everybody goes to my house and f**ks her."
A girl goes up to the drugstore counter and says, "I'd like a box of condoms."
The pharmacist says, "Don't want to have any kids, eh?"
She says, "No, my boyfriend doesn't want to get any **** on his c**k."
Johnson says to his boss, "Damn, boss, I need some action. Thank God I got some money."
The boss says, "I need a little bit, too. But first I have to go home and get the hundred bucks I lent my wife last week."
Johnson says, "What makes you think she'll still have the hundred?"
The boss says, "She doesn't drink and she's got her own pu**y."
Friedman says, "I spent five thousand bucks on a boob job for my wife, and she was thrilled. A few months later, I blew another two grand on a nose job for her, and she was ecstatic. And right after that I spent another two thousand dollars on liposuction for her, and she couldn't thank me enough. But I spend fifty bucks on a blow job for me, and she goes ballistic. F**king women."
Hartke says, "I know what you're saying. They make me nuts. I'm fed up with the excuses they come up with for not having sex with me, like, 'I'm tired,' 'I've got a headache,' 'I'm your sister-in-law ...'""
As a couple's about to leave for a costume party, the wife says, "I just got a bad headache. But you go."
The husband puts on his costume and goes. The wife takes a nap, wakes up feeling great, and knowing her husband doesn't know what her costume is, she decides she'll go and see how he acts when she's not with him. When she gets there, she sees him on the dance floor dancing with every woman he can, all the while copping a feel here and a kiss there. She sidles up to him and without speaking a word she takes his hand, leads him out behind a bush and gives him an incredible blow job. Just before the Midnight un-masking, she slips away, goes home, hides her costume away and gets into bed.
When he walks in, she says, "How was the party?"
He says, "Oh, you know, the same old thing. I never have a good time when you're not with me."
She says, "Did you dance much?"
He says, "Not even one dance. When I got there, I ran into Pete and Bill Browning and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all night. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy who borrowed my costume."
A woman's in labor up in the stirrups and she's cursing and screaming at her husband.
He says, "Hey, don't blame me. I wanted to stick it in your ass, but you said, 'No, that'll hurt.' "
Dirty Johnny's walking past his parents bedrooom.
He looks in and says, "I can't believe you sent me to the psychiatrist for suckin' on my thumb."
In the greatest days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.
After welcoming his replacement, and showing the courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said, "You must meet Captain Smithers, my right-hand man. God, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."
Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall.
"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."
"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after 3 expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of......."
Here the colonel interrupted.
"Yes, yes; never mind that, Smithers; the CO can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you called the witch doctor a mother****er."
After welcoming his replacement, and showing the courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said, "You must meet Captain Smithers, my right-hand man. God, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."
Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall.
"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."
"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after 3 expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of......."
Here the colonel interrupted.
"Yes, yes; never mind that, Smithers; the CO can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you called the witch doctor a mother****er."
Let's see; We have a moron pretending to be the president and disavowing his oath of office, politicians that hide behind lies and deceit, and tax payer funded baby butcher shops selling body parts like a deli; how about some jokes?
Needless to say, as in the past, these are not for the squeamish!
A guy's in a taxi on the way home from a business trip a day early.
It's after midnight and he says, "Cabbie, I think my wife's been cheating on me. If I give you a thousand bucks, will you be my witness?"
The cabbie says, "Sure, pal."
They get to the house, the husband grabs his gun from the closet and he and the cabbie tip-toe upstairs. The husband pushes open the bedroom door, switches on the light, pulls the blanket off, and seeing his wife and a stranger lying there naked, he puts the gun to the naked guy's head.
His wife says, "Harry, don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money. Felix paid for the Corvette I gave you, he paid for the cabin cruiser, and he paid for our country club membership. Felix even pays our monthly club dues."
The husband lowers the gun and says to the cabbie, "What would you do?"
The cabbie says, "I'd pull that blanket back up so Felix don't catch a cold."
Two girls are talking.
The first one says, "I'm going to ask my doctor how many calories there are in sperm."
Her friend says, "Why? If you're swallowing every time, who's gonna give a **** if you're a little chubby?"
A college professor's going to bed with his wife. He's not that tired, so he's gonna stay awake and read while she goes to sleep.
So he's reading, and every once in a while he reaches over and tickles her on the fun spot, "Kitza kitza ... kitza kitza ..."
She says, "Will you stop that! Will you stop reaching over here and teasing me like that?"
He says, "I'm not teasing you. I'm wetting my fingers so I can turn the page."
What's the worst thing about F**king farm animals?
The next time you see them, they act like they don't even know you.
Bernie's on his death bed.
The doctor pulls his wife to the side and says, "It doesn't look good. I don't expect Bernie to make it to morning. Try to comfort him as best you can."
She goes to him and says in her loud, shrill voice, "Bernie, it's bleak. It's bleak, Bernie! The doctor says you'll be dead any minute and cold by morning. What can I do to make it better, Bernie? What can I do to comfort you?"
Bernie says, "Sylvia, after I die, would you please marry Sol?"
She says, "But I thought you hated Sol."
He says, "I do."
The Stukowski brothers are out deer hunting when Stash spots a deer and shoots it. They're dragging it back to the truck by the antlers and the antlers keep getting caught on every bush and root along the way.
After fifteen minutes, Stash says, "These antlers are getting caught in everything. Let's drag him by the feet instead."
His brother agrees, and then after fifteen more minutes, Stash says, "See how much easier this is?"
His brother says, "Yeah, but ain't we getting further from the truck?"
Favale, Norris and Schneider all die and come up in front of St. Peter's podium.
St. Peter says, "All right, fellows, tell me your sins and we'll see where you belong."
Favale says, "Well, I cheated on my wife twice. But otherwise I've lived an honest life."
St. Peter says, "All right, my son, go through the door on the right."
Norris says, "I only cheated on my wife once."
St. Peter says, "All right, my son, you go through the door on the right as well."
Schneider says, "I cheated on my wife once, but I've got a really good excuse. I was at a strip club in Dallas with some friends when I saw a girl with huge ****, huge real ****, suck a golf ball through fifty feet of garden hose. Then her and me got to talking and we wound up back at her place."
St. Peter gets out from behind his podium and says, "Head towards the door on the left."
Schneider says, "But wait, St. Peter. Why'm I being singled out? I wasn't any more poorly behaved than the first two guys."
St. Peter says, "F**k them. You and me are going to Dallas."
A girl goes up to a guy at the bar, puts her arm around him, and says, "Are you the manager?"
He says, "Yes, I am."
She starts running her fingers through his hair and says, "Is it your job to keep the customers satisfied?"
He says, "Yes, it is ..."
She starts playing with his face, works two of her fingers around and into his mouth, he starts sucking them wildly, and she says, "Can I tell you a dirty little secret?"
He says (muffled), "Sure ..."
She says, "There's no toilet paper in the f**king Ladies Room."
Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen. Dick The Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen mainly due to her magnificent breasts. Dick knew that the penalty would be death should he ever attempt to suck them ... but he had to try.
Dick tells his best friend, Horatio The Physician, the King's Chief Physician, about his problem.
Horatio says, "Dick, it's crazy. Luckily, I can arrange to satisfy your urges ... but it will be a very dangerous undertaking for me ... so I will charge you three thousand gold coins to arrange it."
And Dick agrees to Horation's price, because it helps the joke..
The next day Horatio makes a batch of itching powder and pours a bit into the Queen's bra as she's bathing. Soon after she dresses, the itching begins and in no time it grows intense.
Summoned to The Royal Chambers to address the problem, Horatio tells the King and Queen that only a special saliva, applied for four hours, will cure this type of itch, and that tests have shown that only the saliva of Dick The Dragon Slayer can cure the itch. The King, eager to help his Queen, immediately calls Dick to their chambers. Horatio slips Dick the antidote for the itching, which Dick puts in his mouth, and for the next four hours, Dick sucks like a starving calf on the Queen's luscious and perfect breasts.
The Queen's itching is eventually relieved and Dick leaves not only satisfied, but hailed by all as a hero.
When he returns to his chamber Horatio is there, demanding his three thousand gold coins. But Dick's done, he's had his fun, and knowing that Horatio can never tell the King about their scheme, he laughs and tells Horatio to get lost.
The next day Horatio slips a huge handful of the itching powder into the King's underwear ... and the King immediately summons Dick The Dragon Slayer.
The Moral Of The Story?
Pay your f**king bills.
Needless to say, as in the past, these are not for the squeamish!
A guy's in a taxi on the way home from a business trip a day early.
It's after midnight and he says, "Cabbie, I think my wife's been cheating on me. If I give you a thousand bucks, will you be my witness?"
The cabbie says, "Sure, pal."
They get to the house, the husband grabs his gun from the closet and he and the cabbie tip-toe upstairs. The husband pushes open the bedroom door, switches on the light, pulls the blanket off, and seeing his wife and a stranger lying there naked, he puts the gun to the naked guy's head.
His wife says, "Harry, don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money. Felix paid for the Corvette I gave you, he paid for the cabin cruiser, and he paid for our country club membership. Felix even pays our monthly club dues."
The husband lowers the gun and says to the cabbie, "What would you do?"
The cabbie says, "I'd pull that blanket back up so Felix don't catch a cold."
Two girls are talking.
The first one says, "I'm going to ask my doctor how many calories there are in sperm."
Her friend says, "Why? If you're swallowing every time, who's gonna give a **** if you're a little chubby?"
A college professor's going to bed with his wife. He's not that tired, so he's gonna stay awake and read while she goes to sleep.
So he's reading, and every once in a while he reaches over and tickles her on the fun spot, "Kitza kitza ... kitza kitza ..."
She says, "Will you stop that! Will you stop reaching over here and teasing me like that?"
He says, "I'm not teasing you. I'm wetting my fingers so I can turn the page."
What's the worst thing about F**king farm animals?
The next time you see them, they act like they don't even know you.
Bernie's on his death bed.
The doctor pulls his wife to the side and says, "It doesn't look good. I don't expect Bernie to make it to morning. Try to comfort him as best you can."
She goes to him and says in her loud, shrill voice, "Bernie, it's bleak. It's bleak, Bernie! The doctor says you'll be dead any minute and cold by morning. What can I do to make it better, Bernie? What can I do to comfort you?"
Bernie says, "Sylvia, after I die, would you please marry Sol?"
She says, "But I thought you hated Sol."
He says, "I do."
The Stukowski brothers are out deer hunting when Stash spots a deer and shoots it. They're dragging it back to the truck by the antlers and the antlers keep getting caught on every bush and root along the way.
After fifteen minutes, Stash says, "These antlers are getting caught in everything. Let's drag him by the feet instead."
His brother agrees, and then after fifteen more minutes, Stash says, "See how much easier this is?"
His brother says, "Yeah, but ain't we getting further from the truck?"
Favale, Norris and Schneider all die and come up in front of St. Peter's podium.
St. Peter says, "All right, fellows, tell me your sins and we'll see where you belong."
Favale says, "Well, I cheated on my wife twice. But otherwise I've lived an honest life."
St. Peter says, "All right, my son, go through the door on the right."
Norris says, "I only cheated on my wife once."
St. Peter says, "All right, my son, you go through the door on the right as well."
Schneider says, "I cheated on my wife once, but I've got a really good excuse. I was at a strip club in Dallas with some friends when I saw a girl with huge ****, huge real ****, suck a golf ball through fifty feet of garden hose. Then her and me got to talking and we wound up back at her place."
St. Peter gets out from behind his podium and says, "Head towards the door on the left."
Schneider says, "But wait, St. Peter. Why'm I being singled out? I wasn't any more poorly behaved than the first two guys."
St. Peter says, "F**k them. You and me are going to Dallas."
A girl goes up to a guy at the bar, puts her arm around him, and says, "Are you the manager?"
He says, "Yes, I am."
She starts running her fingers through his hair and says, "Is it your job to keep the customers satisfied?"
He says, "Yes, it is ..."
She starts playing with his face, works two of her fingers around and into his mouth, he starts sucking them wildly, and she says, "Can I tell you a dirty little secret?"
He says (muffled), "Sure ..."
She says, "There's no toilet paper in the f**king Ladies Room."
Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen. Dick The Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen mainly due to her magnificent breasts. Dick knew that the penalty would be death should he ever attempt to suck them ... but he had to try.
Dick tells his best friend, Horatio The Physician, the King's Chief Physician, about his problem.
Horatio says, "Dick, it's crazy. Luckily, I can arrange to satisfy your urges ... but it will be a very dangerous undertaking for me ... so I will charge you three thousand gold coins to arrange it."
And Dick agrees to Horation's price, because it helps the joke..
The next day Horatio makes a batch of itching powder and pours a bit into the Queen's bra as she's bathing. Soon after she dresses, the itching begins and in no time it grows intense.
Summoned to The Royal Chambers to address the problem, Horatio tells the King and Queen that only a special saliva, applied for four hours, will cure this type of itch, and that tests have shown that only the saliva of Dick The Dragon Slayer can cure the itch. The King, eager to help his Queen, immediately calls Dick to their chambers. Horatio slips Dick the antidote for the itching, which Dick puts in his mouth, and for the next four hours, Dick sucks like a starving calf on the Queen's luscious and perfect breasts.
The Queen's itching is eventually relieved and Dick leaves not only satisfied, but hailed by all as a hero.
When he returns to his chamber Horatio is there, demanding his three thousand gold coins. But Dick's done, he's had his fun, and knowing that Horatio can never tell the King about their scheme, he laughs and tells Horatio to get lost.
The next day Horatio slips a huge handful of the itching powder into the King's underwear ... and the King immediately summons Dick The Dragon Slayer.
The Moral Of The Story?
Pay your f**king bills.
Last edited:
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