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Joke of the day
- Thread starter CEHollier
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A big woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in Mamou, LA.
She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man out der will buy a lady a drink?"
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. At the end of the bar, was Boudreaux, a skinny little Cajun, who was VERY drunk.
Boudreaux slammed his hand on the bar and said, "Give dat Ballerina a drink!"
Thibodeaux, the bartender, a close friend of Boudreaux's, poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.
She turned again to the patrons and pointed around at all of them, revealing her hairy armpit, and asked, "What man out der will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again, Boudreaux slapped his hand down on the bar and said, "Give dat Ballerina a nudder drink!"
Thibodeaux finally approached Boudreaux and said, "Boudreaux, mah frien', I know it's your bidness, of course, if you want to buy dat lady a drink, but how come you keep callin' her a Ballerina?"
Boudreaux replied, "Thibodeaux... to me, any woman who can lift her leg dat high, got to be a Ballerina!!"
She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man out der will buy a lady a drink?"
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. At the end of the bar, was Boudreaux, a skinny little Cajun, who was VERY drunk.
Boudreaux slammed his hand on the bar and said, "Give dat Ballerina a drink!"
Thibodeaux, the bartender, a close friend of Boudreaux's, poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.
She turned again to the patrons and pointed around at all of them, revealing her hairy armpit, and asked, "What man out der will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again, Boudreaux slapped his hand down on the bar and said, "Give dat Ballerina a nudder drink!"
Thibodeaux finally approached Boudreaux and said, "Boudreaux, mah frien', I know it's your bidness, of course, if you want to buy dat lady a drink, but how come you keep callin' her a Ballerina?"
Boudreaux replied, "Thibodeaux... to me, any woman who can lift her leg dat high, got to be a Ballerina!!"
charliepapa
Clandestine Sciuridae
A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. He decides to test it at dinner...
DAD: Son, where were you today during school hours?
SON: At school. *Robot slaps Son*
SON: OK,I went to the movies
DAD: Which one?
SON: Toy Story *Robot slaps son again*
SON: Ok, it was the one with a pornstar.
DAD: WHAT? When I was your age I didn't even know what porn was! *Robot slaps dad*
MOM: Haha! After all he's your son... *Robot slaps mom*
DAD: Son, where were you today during school hours?
SON: At school. *Robot slaps Son*
SON: OK,I went to the movies
DAD: Which one?
SON: Toy Story *Robot slaps son again*
SON: Ok, it was the one with a pornstar.
DAD: WHAT? When I was your age I didn't even know what porn was! *Robot slaps dad*
MOM: Haha! After all he's your son... *Robot slaps mom*
Boudreaux, the smoothest-talking Cajun in the Louisiana National Guard, got called up to active duty. Boudreaux's first assignment was in a military induction center.
Because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled.
The officer in charge soon noticed that Boudreaux was getting a 99% sign-up rate for the more expensive supplemental form of GI insurance.
This was remarkable, because it cost these low-income recruits $30.00 per month for the higher coverage, compared to what the government was already providing at no charge. The officer decided he'd sit in the back of the room at the next briefing and observe Boudreaux's sales pitch.
Boudreaux stood up before the latest group of inductees and said, "If you has da normal GI insurans an' you goes to Afghanistan an' gets youself killed, da governmen' pays you beneficiary $20,000. If you takes out da supplemental insurans, which cost you only t'irty dollars a mons, den da governmen' gots ta pay you beneficiary $200,000!
"Now," Boudreaux concluded, "which bunch you tink dey gonna send ta Afghanistan first?
Because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled.
The officer in charge soon noticed that Boudreaux was getting a 99% sign-up rate for the more expensive supplemental form of GI insurance.
This was remarkable, because it cost these low-income recruits $30.00 per month for the higher coverage, compared to what the government was already providing at no charge. The officer decided he'd sit in the back of the room at the next briefing and observe Boudreaux's sales pitch.
Boudreaux stood up before the latest group of inductees and said, "If you has da normal GI insurans an' you goes to Afghanistan an' gets youself killed, da governmen' pays you beneficiary $20,000. If you takes out da supplemental insurans, which cost you only t'irty dollars a mons, den da governmen' gots ta pay you beneficiary $200,000!
"Now," Boudreaux concluded, "which bunch you tink dey gonna send ta Afghanistan first?
charliepapa
Clandestine Sciuridae
[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZGMO0Vj7gmg"]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZGMO0Vj7gmg[/ame]
charliepapa
Clandestine Sciuridae
I was eating lunch today with my 10 year old when his mom asked him
"Do you know what tomorrow is?" He said "It's President's Day"
She asked "What does that mean?" ....I was waiting for something profound...
He said . . .
"President's Day is when Obama steps out of the White House and if he sees his shadow,
we have 2 more years of unemployment."
I almost snorted my iced tea. I was so proud...
"Do you know what tomorrow is?" He said "It's President's Day"
She asked "What does that mean?" ....I was waiting for something profound...
He said . . .
"President's Day is when Obama steps out of the White House and if he sees his shadow,
we have 2 more years of unemployment."
I almost snorted my iced tea. I was so proud...
CAJUNLAWYER
crusty old bastard
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From a Fark thread, regarding what people did with their tax refunds:
"I bought a new TV and a PS3. Replaced a TV that's old enough to vote."
"Can I buy your voting TV?"
"Sure, but I must warn you. It only votes for candidates for the Progressive Labor Party."
"Oh, so it doesn't work?"
"I bought a new TV and a PS3. Replaced a TV that's old enough to vote."
"Can I buy your voting TV?"
"Sure, but I must warn you. It only votes for candidates for the Progressive Labor Party."
"Oh, so it doesn't work?"
Turn Key
Stuck up North
Sensitivity Training
A young Navy Officer was in a terrible car accident, but due to the heroics of the hospital staff the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear.
Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in the military and eventually became an Admiral. However, during his career he was always sensitive about his appearance.
One day the Admiral was interviewing three Master Chiefs for the Command Master Chief position.
The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"
The Master Chief answered, "Why yes. I couldn't help but notice you are missing your starboard ear, so I need to know whether this impacts your hearing on that side."
The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office.
The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, "Well yes, you seem to be short one ear."
The Admiral threw him out also.
The third interview was with a Submarine Master Chief. He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the other two Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question.
"Do you notice anything different about me?"
To his surprise the Submarine Master Chief said, "Yes. You wear contact lenses."
The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Master Chief. "And how do you know that?" the Admiral asked.
The Submarine Master Chief replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with only one ****in' ear."
A young Navy Officer was in a terrible car accident, but due to the heroics of the hospital staff the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear.
Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in the military and eventually became an Admiral. However, during his career he was always sensitive about his appearance.
One day the Admiral was interviewing three Master Chiefs for the Command Master Chief position.
The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"
The Master Chief answered, "Why yes. I couldn't help but notice you are missing your starboard ear, so I need to know whether this impacts your hearing on that side."
The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office.
The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, "Well yes, you seem to be short one ear."
The Admiral threw him out also.
The third interview was with a Submarine Master Chief. He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the other two Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question.
"Do you notice anything different about me?"
To his surprise the Submarine Master Chief said, "Yes. You wear contact lenses."
The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Master Chief. "And how do you know that?" the Admiral asked.
The Submarine Master Chief replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with only one ****in' ear."
Turn Key
Stuck up North
Shamus and Murphy
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!'
Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamison Whiskey.
Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't even got any money to pay for these drinks!'
Murphy replied, with a smile. ‘Don’t worry,
I have a plan, Cheers! '.
They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, now here's the plan. I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'
The barman immediately noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm absolutely drunk and me knees are killing me!'
Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember in which pub I lost the sausage.
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!'
Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamison Whiskey.
Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't even got any money to pay for these drinks!'
Murphy replied, with a smile. ‘Don’t worry,
I have a plan, Cheers! '.
They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, now here's the plan. I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'
The barman immediately noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm absolutely drunk and me knees are killing me!'
Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember in which pub I lost the sausage.
Guate_shooter
LA CHP Instructor # 522
Husband : Why did God made you so gorgeous and stupid at the same time ??????
Wife: He made me Gorgeous so you would fall in love with me, he made me stupid so I would fall in love with you.
hehe ..............
Wife: He made me Gorgeous so you would fall in love with me, he made me stupid so I would fall in love with you.
hehe ..............
Turn Key
Stuck up North
Testicle Therapy
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men.
He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
One of the women rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help”, she said. “I am so sorry”! “I'm a Trained Physical Therapist and I know just how to relieve your pain, if you'd just allow me to help you”, she told him.
“Oh, no, it’s Okay. I'll be alright in a few minutes,” the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there in his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his belt, unzipped his pants and put her hands inside.
She then began to administer a tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, “Now how does that feel”?
He replied, “It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken”!
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men.
He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
One of the women rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help”, she said. “I am so sorry”! “I'm a Trained Physical Therapist and I know just how to relieve your pain, if you'd just allow me to help you”, she told him.
“Oh, no, it’s Okay. I'll be alright in a few minutes,” the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there in his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his belt, unzipped his pants and put her hands inside.
She then began to administer a tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, “Now how does that feel”?
He replied, “It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken”!
The teacher told Pepito to use certain English words in a sentence. Here are Pepito's replies:
1. *Cheese* - Maria likes me, but cheese fat.
2 . *Mushroom* - When all my family get in the car, there's not mushroom.
3. *Shoulder* - My fren wanted to become a citizen but she didn't know how
to read so I shoulder.
4. * Texas * - My fren always Texas me when I'm not home wondering where I'm at!
5. *Herpes* - Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes.
6. *July* - Ju told me ju were going to tha store and July to me! Julyer!
7. *Rectum* - I had two cars but my wife rectum!
8. *Chicken* - I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.
9. *Wheelchair* - We only have one enchalada left, but don't worry, wheelchair.
10. *Chicken wing* - My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.
11. *Bishop* - My wife fell down the stair so I had to pick the bishop.
12. *Body wash* - I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.
13. *Brief* - Maria fart in my car and it stinkie so bad I could not brief.
1. *Cheese* - Maria likes me, but cheese fat.
2 . *Mushroom* - When all my family get in the car, there's not mushroom.
3. *Shoulder* - My fren wanted to become a citizen but she didn't know how
to read so I shoulder.
4. * Texas * - My fren always Texas me when I'm not home wondering where I'm at!
5. *Herpes* - Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes.
6. *July* - Ju told me ju were going to tha store and July to me! Julyer!
7. *Rectum* - I had two cars but my wife rectum!
8. *Chicken* - I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.
9. *Wheelchair* - We only have one enchalada left, but don't worry, wheelchair.
10. *Chicken wing* - My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.
11. *Bishop* - My wife fell down the stair so I had to pick the bishop.
12. *Body wash* - I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.
13. *Brief* - Maria fart in my car and it stinkie so bad I could not brief.
A young black man walked into the local welfare office, marched
straight up to the counter and said, "Hi, I'm lookin' for a job."
The man behind the counter replied, "Your timing is amazing. We've just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nympho daughter. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes, but the suits, shirts, and ties are provided.
Oh, and because of the long hours of this job, meals will also be provided and you will also be required to escort the young lady on her overseas holidays. By the way, the salary package is $200,000 a year.
The black said, "Ah c'mon, you're bullshittin' me!"
The man behind the counter said, "Well, you started it!"
straight up to the counter and said, "Hi, I'm lookin' for a job."
The man behind the counter replied, "Your timing is amazing. We've just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nympho daughter. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes, but the suits, shirts, and ties are provided.
Oh, and because of the long hours of this job, meals will also be provided and you will also be required to escort the young lady on her overseas holidays. By the way, the salary package is $200,000 a year.
The black said, "Ah c'mon, you're bullshittin' me!"
The man behind the counter said, "Well, you started it!"
Turn Key
Stuck up North
April Effin' Fools
NLAIM DIE MARKERS
http://bulletin.accurateshooter.com/2011/04/border-patrol-replaces-guns-with-nlaim-die-markers/
TK
NLAIM DIE MARKERS
http://bulletin.accurateshooter.com/2011/04/border-patrol-replaces-guns-with-nlaim-die-markers/
TK
charliepapa
Clandestine Sciuridae
A plane leaves Heathrow Airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His copilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together, and an awkward silence between the two seemed to indicate a mutual dislike.
Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, "I don't like Chinese."
"No rike Chinese?" asks the copilot, "Why not?"
"You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why!"
"No, no", the co-pilot protests, "Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah" That Japanese, not Chinese."
"Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese...doesn't matter, you're all alike."
There's a few minutes of silence...
"I no rike Jews." the copilot suddenly announces.
"Oh yeah, why not?", asks the captain.
"Jews sink Titanic." says the copilot.
"What? That's insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!" exclaims the captain, "It was an iceberg."
"Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg , nomattah...all a same."
Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, "I don't like Chinese."
"No rike Chinese?" asks the copilot, "Why not?"
"You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why!"
"No, no", the co-pilot protests, "Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah" That Japanese, not Chinese."
"Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese...doesn't matter, you're all alike."
There's a few minutes of silence...
"I no rike Jews." the copilot suddenly announces.
"Oh yeah, why not?", asks the captain.
"Jews sink Titanic." says the copilot.
"What? That's insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!" exclaims the captain, "It was an iceberg."
"Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg , nomattah...all a same."
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