Joke of the day

[Turn Key]

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident in Antigonish, Nova Scotia, a man answered his door to find two grim-faced Mounties.

'We're sorry sir, but we have some information about your wife said one of the Mounties'

'Tell me! Did you find her?' the husband shouted.

The Mounties looked at each other. One said, 'We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?

'Fearing the worst, the ashen husband said, 'Give me the bad news first.'

The Mountie said, 'I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we
found your wife's body in the bay.'

Oh my God!' exclaimed the husband. Swallowing hard, he asked, 'What's
The good news?'

One Mountie continued, 'When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five
pound snow crabs and 6 good-size lobsters clinging to her.'

Stunned, the husband demanded, 'If that's the good news, what's the
Great news?'

The Mountie said, 'We're going to pull her up again tomorrow.'

 

[headshot]

Did I like retard another to it send retard a like this reading
time sweet your took you since.


Now read it backwards

Howard was feeling guilty all day long. No matter how he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

Every once in a while he'd hear a soothing voice trying to reassure him - "Howard, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients and you won't be the last."

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality -"Howard, you're a veterinarian."

These two killed me!!

 

[Turn Key]

Never lie to kids!


There was this guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a little girl
coming toward him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was
reading.

The girl came up to him and asked, "What do you have under the
newspaper?"

Thinking quickly, the guy replied, "A bird." The girl walked
away, and the guy fell asleep. When he woke up, he was in the
hospital in tremendous pain. The police asked him what happened.

The guy says, "I don't know.
I was lying on the beach, this little girl asked me a question,
I guess I dozed off, and the next thing I know is I’m here."

The police went to the beach, found the little girl, and asked her,
"What did you do to that naked fellow?"

After a pause, the girl relied. "To him? Nothing.
I was playing with his bird and it spit on me, so I broke its
neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire!"

 

[Snap2it]

How do you starve an OBAMA supporter?


Hide their food stamps under their work boots!

 

[Turn Key]

Lost kid in store

A Muslim kid can't find his mother in the supermarket.

The store attendant says 'What does your mother look like?'

The kid says "How the hell should I know?"

 

[Old_Demon]

Indian Mating Call

Two Indians and a Cajun were walking in the woods, all of a sudden one of
the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave. "Wooooo! Wooooo!
Wooooo!" He called into the cave and then he listened very closely until he
heard an answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" He tore off his clothes and
ran into the cave.

The Cajun was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about,
was the other Indian crazy or what?

"No," said the Indian. "It is custom during mating season, when Indian men
see cave, they holler into cave opening. If Indian gets answer back, it
means Indian girl in cave waiting to mate."

Just then they saw another cave. The Indian ran up to the opening of the
cave, stopped, and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" Immediately, there
was an answering "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside the cave. He
tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Cajun wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then he came
upon a great big cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge
opening, he was thinking, hoo, man! Look de size o' dis cave! It be bigger
den dose de Injuns foun'. Der mus' be some really big, fine womans in dis
cave! He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might,
"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!".

He grinned and closed his eyes in anticipation, and then he heard the
answering call, WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!" With a gleam in his
eyes and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his
clothes as he ran.

The following day, the headline of the New Orleans Times-Picayune read:


"NAKED COONASS RUN OVER BY FREIGHT TRAIN."

 

[762NATO]

i met a fairy today who said she would grant me one wish.

"ok, i want to live forever." i said.

"sorry" said the fairy, "i'm not allowed to grant wishes like that!"

"fine," i said, "i want to die right after the democrats get their heads out of their asses!"

"you crafty bastard," said the fairy.

hahahahahahahahhaahahahahahahahahahah!!!!!!!!

 

[Turn Key]

A Washington Post competition asking for a two-line rhyme with

THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE,
AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:

1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.

2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.

5. I thought that I could love no other
-- that is until I met your brother.

6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's
empty and so is your head.

7. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

9. My love, you take my breath away
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

10. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'

11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

 

[Emperor]

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.

He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing.

You're just like Frank.'

Passenger: 'Who?'

Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman.. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.'

Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'

Cabbie: Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.

Passenger: Sounds like he was something really special.

Cabbie: 'There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, could do everything right.'

Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.

Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.

Passenger: An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?

Cabbie: 'Well... I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his ****ing wife."

 

[I_FLY_LOW]

Lmao!

 

[charliepapa]

The police department in a small country town reported finding a man's body wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, purple lipstick, and an
Obama T-shirt last Saturday in a local river. The dead man's name would not be released until his family had been notified.

The victim apparently drowned due to excessive alcohol consumption while visiting a "friend".

The police removed the Obama T-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.

See there, sometimes the police really do care.

 

[Turn Key]

To all of my "My mature friends"


Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, “Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?”

Mabel answered, “I have a suppository in my ear?” She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, “Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid.”




When the husband finally died, his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, “You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.”
Replied the widow, “I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big **** he always was.”



An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the storm, when a wave came up and washed the old man overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find him, so the captain sent the old woman back to shore with the promise that he would notify her as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old woman got a fax from the boat. It read: “Ma'am, sorry to inform you, we found your husband dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled him up to the deck and attached to his butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000. Please advise.”
The old woman faxed back: “Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.”




A funeral service was being held for a woman who had just passed away. At the end of the service, the pallbearers were carrying the casket out when they accidentally bumped into a wall, jarring the casket. They heard a faint moan.
They opened the casket and found that the woman was actually alive! She lived for ten more years, and then died. Once again, a ceremony was held, and at the end
of it, the pallbearers were again carrying out the casket. As they carried the casket towards the door, the husband cried out, “Watch that wall!”




When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, “I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.”

I said, “Well, then why are you crying?”
She said, “He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon...”

I said, “Well, why are you crying?”
She said, “For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m.”
I said, “Well, why in the world would you be crying?”
She said, “I can't remember where I live!”


Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, “Now don't get mad at me... I know we've been friends for a long time... but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.”
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, “How soon do you need to know?”


______________________
THE SENILITY PRAYER
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

 

[I_FLY_LOW]

 

[whitsend]

A woman was paying for some items in a supermarket - a pint of milk, a packet of bacon, a small bag of rice and a few vegetables. The man at the checkout said, "I bet you're single, aren't you?"

"Well yes, I am," the woman replied. "How did you know?"

"Because you're really ugly," replied the man.

 

[charliepapa]

Nancy Reagan regarding John Hinckley's release: We could all learn so much from this elegant and gracious lady.

You might recall that John Hinckley was a seriously deranged young man who shot President Reagan in the early 1980's. Hinckley was absolutely obsessed with movie star Jodie Foster, and, in his twisted mind, loved Jodie to the point that to make himself well known to her, he attempted to assassinate President Reagan. There is speculation Hinckley may soon be released as having been rehabilitated.

Consequently, you will appreciate the following letter from Nancy Reagan to John Hinckley:

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

To: John Hinckley

From: Mrs. Nancy Reagan

My family and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery.

In our country's spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know that we bear no grudge against you for shooting President Reagan.

We are fully aware that mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation... We're confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive man.

Best wishes,

Nancy Reagan & Family

P.S. While you have been incarcerated, our new president Barack Obama has been sleeping with Jodie Foster like a bed spread and a mattress. You might want to look into that.

 

[Yrdawg]

Nancy Reagan regarding John Hinckley's release: We could all learn so much from this elegant and gracious lady.

You might recall that John Hinckley was a seriously deranged young man who shot President Reagan in the early 1980's. Hinckley was absolutely obsessed with movie star Jodie Foster, and, in his twisted mind, loved Jodie to the point that to make himself well known to her, he attempted to assassinate President Reagan. There is speculation Hinckley may soon be released as having been rehabilitated.

Consequently, you will appreciate the following letter from Nancy Reagan to John Hinckley:

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

To: John Hinckley

From: Mrs. Nancy Reagan

My family and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery.

In our country's spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know that we bear no grudge against you for shooting President Reagan.

We are fully aware that mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation... We're confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive man.

Best wishes,

Nancy Reagan & Family

P.S. While you have been incarcerated, our new president Barack Obama has been sleeping with Jodie Foster like a bed spread and a mattress. You might want to look into that.

or banging Jody like a screen door in a tornado

 

[Turn Key]

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

 

[I_FLY_LOW]

Your favorite movie test...

Be honest and don't look at the movie list below till you have done the math!
Try this test and find out what movie is your favorite.
This amazing math quiz can likely predict which of 18 movies you would enjoy the most. It really works!

*Movie Test:*
Pick a number from 1-9.
Multiply by 3.
Add 3.
Multiply by 3 again.
Now *add* the two digits of your answer together to find your predicted favorite movie in the list of 18 movies below.

*Movie List*
1. Gone With The Wind
2. E.T.
3. Blazing Saddles
4. Star Wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly
7. Jaws
8. Grease
9. The Obama farewell speech of 2012
10. Casablanca
11. Jurassic Park
12. Shrek
13. Pirates of the Caribbean
14. Titanic
15. Raiders Of The Lost Ark
16. Home Alone
17. Mrs. Doubtfire
18. Toy Story

 

[I_FLY_LOW]

Labor pains...

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the baby'sfather.
He asked if they were interested.
Both said they were very much in favour of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up anotch.
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer.
The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.
At this point they decided to try for 50%.
The husband continued to feel quite well.
Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain and the husband had experienced none.
She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home they found the milkman dead on the porch.

 

[Ironman26]

now thats funny right there !!!!!!!

Interesting Piece of History:

In 1872 the Arabs invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine .

In 1873 the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine
out of the goat first.