charliepapa
Clandestine Sciuridae
Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.
Joke of the day
- Thread starter CEHollier
- Start date
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Turn Key
Stuck up North
Amazing math trick
Be honest and don't look at the movie list below till you have done the math!
Ok, just humor me and do it!
Try this test and find out what movie is your favorite.
This amazing math quiz can likely predict which of 17 movies you would enjoy the most.
Movie Quiz:
1. Pick a number from 1-9.
2. Multiply by 3.
3. Add 3.
4. Multiply by 3 again.
5. Now add the two digits of your answer together to find your predicted favorite movie in the list of 17 movies below:
***********
***********
***********
Movie List:
1. Gone With the Wind
2. E.T.
3. Blazing Saddles
4. Star Wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly
7. Jaws
8. Grease
9. The Obama Farewell Speech of 2012
10. Casablanca
11. Jurassic Park
12. Shrek
13. Pirates of the Caribbean
14. Titanic
15. Raiders of the Lost Ark
16. Home Alone
17. Mrs. Doubtfire
Now, ain't that something..?
Be honest and don't look at the movie list below till you have done the math!
Ok, just humor me and do it!
Try this test and find out what movie is your favorite.
This amazing math quiz can likely predict which of 17 movies you would enjoy the most.
Movie Quiz:
1. Pick a number from 1-9.
2. Multiply by 3.
3. Add 3.
4. Multiply by 3 again.
5. Now add the two digits of your answer together to find your predicted favorite movie in the list of 17 movies below:
***********
***********
***********
Movie List:
1. Gone With the Wind
2. E.T.
3. Blazing Saddles
4. Star Wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly
7. Jaws
8. Grease
9. The Obama Farewell Speech of 2012
10. Casablanca
11. Jurassic Park
12. Shrek
13. Pirates of the Caribbean
14. Titanic
15. Raiders of the Lost Ark
16. Home Alone
17. Mrs. Doubtfire
Now, ain't that something..?
You were listening to Walton and Johnson, weren't you?
I heard that one in the shower...yeah, now you gonna see that ALL day long...
Funny thing is I normally do, but must have missed this on there. I heard it at the Kenner gun show.
Turn Key
Stuck up North
What a coincidence
A chicken farmer went to a local bar. Sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of Champagne, too!'
'What a coincidence' the chicken farmer says. 'This is a special day for me. I am celebrating'
'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!' says the woman.
'What a coincidence!' says the chicken farmer! As they clinked glasses
the man asked, 'What are you celebrating?'
'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my
Gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'
'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years
all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all lying fertilized Eggs.'
'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile? '
'I used a different cock,' he replied.
The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.'
A chicken farmer went to a local bar. Sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of Champagne, too!'
'What a coincidence' the chicken farmer says. 'This is a special day for me. I am celebrating'
'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!' says the woman.
'What a coincidence!' says the chicken farmer! As they clinked glasses
the man asked, 'What are you celebrating?'
'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my
Gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'
'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years
all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all lying fertilized Eggs.'
'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile? '
'I used a different cock,' he replied.
The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.'
charliepapa
Clandestine Sciuridae
An old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch. The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep trouble now!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.
The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.
The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"
Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...
"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"
Moral of this story...
Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.
The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.
The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"
Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...
"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"
Moral of this story...
Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.
A Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an
Iraqi terrorist who was badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite
side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious
state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to
both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.
The Marine reported, I was heavily armed and moving north along the
highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw
each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled
to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got
what he deserved. and he yelled back that Barack Obama is a lying,
good-for-nothing, left wing Commie who isn't even an American. So I said
that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited
lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!.
And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a
truck hit us.
Iraqi terrorist who was badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite
side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious
state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to
both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.
The Marine reported, I was heavily armed and moving north along the
highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw
each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled
to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got
what he deserved. and he yelled back that Barack Obama is a lying,
good-for-nothing, left wing Commie who isn't even an American. So I said
that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited
lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!.
And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a
truck hit us.
Turn Key
Stuck up North
Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting names at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50.
It completely ruined our 10th anniversary.
†
___________________
There is finally conclusive evidence that Osama bin Laden is dead.
Yesterday, he registered to vote in Chicago.
It completely ruined our 10th anniversary.
†
___________________
There is finally conclusive evidence that Osama bin Laden is dead.
Yesterday, he registered to vote in Chicago.
Politically Insensitive humor. . . like I give a rat’s ass!
A man calls 911 and says “I think my wife is dead”. The operator says, “How do you know?” He says "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!”
I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg."
My girlfriend says she thinks that I might be a stalker. Well... she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
I went for my routine check-up today and everything seemed to be going fine until the doctor stuck his index finger up my butt! Do you think it’s time to change dentists?
A wife said to her husband, “You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back.” So he said, “What do you expect? You're in a wheelchair!”
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."
My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.
I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children's-oriented iPod after realizing that ”iTouch Kids” is not a good product name.
There's a new Muslim clothing shop that opened in our shopping center, but they threw me out after I asked if I could look at some of the bomber jackets.
You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles, but at least they drive slowly past schools.
A buddy of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin. I said, "How can you tell them apart?" He said, "Her brother's got a mustache."
The problems we face today exist because the people who work for a living are outnumbered by those who vote for a living.
Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance.
A man calls 911 and says “I think my wife is dead”. The operator says, “How do you know?” He says "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!”
I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg."
My girlfriend says she thinks that I might be a stalker. Well... she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
I went for my routine check-up today and everything seemed to be going fine until the doctor stuck his index finger up my butt! Do you think it’s time to change dentists?
A wife said to her husband, “You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back.” So he said, “What do you expect? You're in a wheelchair!”
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."
My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.
I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children's-oriented iPod after realizing that ”iTouch Kids” is not a good product name.
There's a new Muslim clothing shop that opened in our shopping center, but they threw me out after I asked if I could look at some of the bomber jackets.
You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles, but at least they drive slowly past schools.
A buddy of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin. I said, "How can you tell them apart?" He said, "Her brother's got a mustache."
The problems we face today exist because the people who work for a living are outnumbered by those who vote for a living.
Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance.
An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board but only 4 parachutes.
The first passenger, Sarah Palin, said, "I have my own reality show and I am the smartest woman in American history, so America 's people don't want me to die." She took the first pack and jumped out of the plane.
The second passenger, John McCain, said, "I'm a Senator and a decorated war hero from an elite Navy unit from the United States of America." So he grabbed the second pack and jumped.
The third passenger, Barack Obama, said, "I am the President of the United States and I am the smartest ever in the history of our country, some even call me the Anointed One." So he grabbed the pack next to him and jumped out.
The fourth passenger, Billy Graham, said to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl, "I have lived a full life and served my God the best I could. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."
The little girl said, "That's okay, Dr. Graham. There's a parachute left for you. America's smartest President took my schoolbag..
The first passenger, Sarah Palin, said, "I have my own reality show and I am the smartest woman in American history, so America 's people don't want me to die." She took the first pack and jumped out of the plane.
The second passenger, John McCain, said, "I'm a Senator and a decorated war hero from an elite Navy unit from the United States of America." So he grabbed the second pack and jumped.
The third passenger, Barack Obama, said, "I am the President of the United States and I am the smartest ever in the history of our country, some even call me the Anointed One." So he grabbed the pack next to him and jumped out.
The fourth passenger, Billy Graham, said to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl, "I have lived a full life and served my God the best I could. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."
The little girl said, "That's okay, Dr. Graham. There's a parachute left for you. America's smartest President took my schoolbag..
