Joke of the day

[Mojo Rider]

A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving all over the road. Eventually a cop pulls him over.

"Did you know," says the cop, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

 

[Mojo Rider]

Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married.....

If this does not make you laugh out loud, you have lost your sense of
humour.

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.'
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.
Around 3 a..m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up
and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another
9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted
solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

(Even when totally smashed.... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos
MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him
'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least.

Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo
clock.'

When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed
three times, then said 'oh ****.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its
throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then
tripped over the coffee table and farted.

 

[Turn Key]

A Dog Named SEX

Usually everyone who has a dog would call the dog Rover or something. I call mine "Sex". Sex is a very embarrassing name, but I never knew HOW embarrassing until one day I took Sex for a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for him. A police officer came along and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I was looking for Sex."

My court case comes up next Thursday.

One day I went to City Hall to get a license for Sex. The clerk asked me what I wanted, I told him I wanted a license for Sex. He said "I would like to have one too!" When I said "But this is a dog," he said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand. I've had Sex since I was two years old."

He replied, "You must have been a strong boy."

When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I wanted to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole lifestyle revolves around Sex."

He said he did not want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in a church. I told him everyone coming to the wedding would enjoy having Sex there. The next day we were married by the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church.

My wife and I took the dog along with us on the honeymoon. When I checked into the motel I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and myself and a special room for Sex. The clerk said that every room in the Motel is for Sex. Then I said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night", and the clerk said, "Me too."

One day I told my friend that I had Sex on TV. He said, "Show off!" I told him it was a contest, and he told me I should have sold tickets.

When my wife and I separated we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married" and the Judge said, "Me too."

When I told him that after I was married Sex had left me, he said, "Me too."

Well now I've been thrown in jail, been married, divorced and had more trouble with that dog than I ever gambled for. Why just the other day when I went for my first visit with the psychiatrist and she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?"

I replied, "Well, Sex has died and left my life. It's like losing a best friend and it's so lonely."

The doctor said, "Look Mister, you and I both know that sex isn't man's best friend. Why not get yourself a dog?"

 

[I_FLY_LOW]

Math Teacher Arrested

A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International
airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a
protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General Eric Holder said he believes
the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify
the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math
instruction.

‘Al-Gebra is a problem for us’, the Attorney General said. ‘They derive
solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search
of absolute values.’ They use secret code names like ‘X’ and ‘Y’ and refer
to themselves as ‘unknowns’, but we have determined that they belong to a
common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every
country.

As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, ‘There are 3 sides to every
triangle’.

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, ‘If God had
wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us
more fingers and toes.’ White House aides told reporters they could not
recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President.
It is believed that another Nobel Prize will follow.

 

[IfItFliesItDies]

An elderly man owned a large property for several years and had a dam where he planted mango and avocado trees. The dam was fixed up for swimming when it was built and he also had some picnic tables placed there in the shade of the fruit trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the dam to look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the dam, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of beautiful young women skinny-dipping in his dam. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him: "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned: "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the dam naked," he said, holding the bucket high in the air. "I'm here to feed the crocodile."
Moral: Old men may walk slow, but they can still think fast.

 

[Emperor]

Howard's on an Emergency Room gurney on his elbows and knees, with a half-dozen Number 2 pencils deep in his ass, eraser-end out. A nurse with a clipboard asks him for his name, his address and his insurance information.
And then the nurse says, "Sir, are those pencils sharpened?"
He says, "Sharpened? What do you think, I'm crazy?"

 

[MRBULLRED]

Howard's on an Emergency Room gurney on his elbows and knees, with a half-dozen Number 2 pencils deep in his ass, eraser-end out. A nurse with a clipboard asks him for his name, his address and his insurance information.
And then the nurse says, "Sir, are those pencils sharpened?"
He says, "Sharpened? What do you think, I'm crazy?"

I have tears shooting out of my eyes... Too funny...

 

[charliepapa]

I was driving through the country a few days ago and saw this cute couple in a pasture on the side of the road. I guess this is how bacon cheeseburgers are made. Who knew?
















seriously, this feral hog problem is a little out of hand, wouldn't you say?

 

[CEHollier]

Enjoy,,, until 'Photobucket' deletes it. ( )

http://s604.photobucket.com/albums/...on=view¤t=WhatreallyhappenedtoWileECoyete.mp4



TK

It was funny up until the end. Then not.

 

[Emperor]

"Lawyers?"

 

[762NATO]

My friend told me hew was not going to colllege, so I told him, ' "MAW! GET THE SHOTGUN! I GOT SOME SENSE TO SHOOT INTO THAT BOY!" '. Then I said, ' "MAW! GET THE BOFORS GUN. I GOTTA BRING THE PAIN FORM A LONG WAYS AWAY!", seeing as he's in Youngville.

 

[Turn Key]

Jeff Foxworthy on Muslims

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor. You may be a Muslim

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes. You may be a Muslim

3. You have more wives than teeth. You may be a Muslim

4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon unclean. You may be a Muslim

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide. You may be a Muslim

6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against. You may be a Muslim

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing. You may be a Muslim

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs. You may be a Muslim

9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four. You may be a Muslim

10. Your cousin is president of the United States. You may be a Muslim

11. You find this offensive or racist and don't forward it. You may be a Muslim

 

[drpc]

Atheist in the woods

A man who was a dedicated Atheist was walking through the woods one day. He had spent his whole life denying God's existance and convincing others of the same. He vowed that he would NEVER believe. And that he'd die before becoming a Christian. While he was walking he stumbled upon a hugh Grizzly Bear. He turned and ran but he tripped and before he could blink the bear was standing over him. He cried out "Oh God help me!" and to his amazement the bear froze where he stood. Then He heard a loud voice. "So now after years of attacking me you're crying out to me? Are you ready to become a Christian?" The atheist thought for a moment and decided he could have his cake and eat it too. "No God, I'm not ready to become a Christian, but if you're so powerful let me see you make the bear a christian!" Suddenly the bear began to move. He fell down to all four and incredibly knelt down, bow his head, made the sign of the cross and began to speak. With his head bowed the bear uttered these words "Bless us OH Lord and these thy gifts which we are about to receive. AMEN!"

 

[I_FLY_LOW]

Contest At Local Gas Station

Two guys drove to a gas station for a fill-up because they heard about a contest being offered by the station to patrons who purchase a full tank of gas. When they went inside to pay, the men asked the attendant about the contest.
“If you win, you’re entitled to free sex,” said the attendant.
“How do we enter?” asked the men.
“Well, I’m thinking of a number between 1-10, and if you guess right, you win free sex.”
“O.K., I guess 7,” said one of the guys. “Sorry, I was thinking of 8,” replied the attendant.
The next week, the two same guys returned to the same station to get gas. When they went inside to pay, the one fellow asked the attendant if the contest was still going on.
“Sure,” replied the attendant. “I’m thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right, you win free sex.”
“2,” said the customer.
“Sorry, I was thinking of 3,” replied the attendant, “Come back soon and try again.”
As they walked back to the car, the one downtrodden fellow said to the other, “You know, I’m beginning to think this contest is rigged.”
“No way” insisted the other. “My wife won twice last week.”

 

[McMedic]

Daddy sleeps nekkid!

"Late again!" the third-grade teacher sternly said to little Johnny.

"It ain't my fault this time, Miss Russell. You can blame this 'un on my Daddy. The reason I'm three hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!"

Now, Miss Russell had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years. Despite her mounting fears, she asked little Johnny what he meant by that. Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Johnny and trouble were old friends, but he always told her the truth.

"You see, Miss Russell, out at the farm we got this here low down fox. The last few nights, he done ate six hens. Last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his shot gun and said to my Ma, "That fox is back again... I'm a gonna git him!'' "Stay back," Daddy whispered to all us kids!

"My Daddy was naked as a jaybird -- no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then, he stuck that double-barreled 12-gauge shot gun through the window of the coop. As he stared into the darkness, with a fox on his mind, our old hound dog, Rip, had done gone and woke up and comes sneaking up behind Daddy. Then, as we all looked on, plumb helpless, old Rip done went and stuck his cold nose in my Daddy's crack!"

"Miss Russell, we all been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin!"

 

[I_FLY_LOW]

Boudreaux Declares War on the USA

Boudreaux Declares War on the USA
>
> > President Barack Obama was in the Oval Office when his
> telephone rang.
>
> >
>
> > "Hello, Mr.President Obama," said a heavily accented Cajun
> voice. "Dis' is Boudreaux, down here in Pierre Part. I am callin' to
> tell ya'll dat we declaring war on ya!"
>
> > "Well Boudreaux," Barack replied, "This is indeed important
> news! How big is your army?"
>
> > "Right now," said Boudreaux, "dere's myself, my
> brother-in-law Thib, my next-door-neighbor Troy , and a few of his gator
hunt'n buddies.
> Dat makes eight!"
>
> > Barack paused. "I must tell you Boudreaux that I have one
> million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
>
> > "Wow," said Boudreaux.. " I'll call ya back!"
>
> > Sure enough, the next day, Boudreaux called again.
>
> > "Mr. Obama, de war is on! We got us some infantry equipment!"
>
> > "And what equipment would that be Boudreaux?" Barack asked.
>
> > "We got us two combines, couple of 4 wheelers, a pirogue,
> and Thib's John Deere.
>
> > President Obama sighed. "I must tell you Boudreaux, that I
> have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've
> increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."
>
> > "Lord above", said Boudreaux, "Be getting back to ya."
>
> > Sure enough, Boudreaux rang again the next day. "President
> Obama, de war is still on! We got ourselves airborne! Troy fixed his
> ultra-lite wit a couple of shotguns in de cockpit,
>
> > and four vets from the VFW signed up!"
>
> > Barack was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. "I
> must tell you Boudreaux that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter
planes.
> My military complex is surrounded by
>
> > laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we
> last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"
>
> > "Oh Lord," said Boudreaux, "Call you back."
>
> >
>
> > Sure enough, Boudreaux called again the next day "President
> Obama! sorry to tell you dat we done called off de war."
>
> > "I'm glad to hear that" said Barack. "Why the sudden change
> of heart?"
>
> > Well, sir," said Boudreaux, "we all sat down and had a long
> chat over a few beers, and we 'tink dat dere's just no way our wives
> can make enough gumbo to feed two million prisoners."
>
> > LOUISIANA CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN
>
> > If you are REALLY FROM LOUISIANA, you won't even need to be
> told to pass this on.
>
> > GOD BLESS LOUISIANA

 

[Turn Key]

Frozen crabs & the Blonde Stewardess

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a
box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess
to take care of them for him. She took the box and
promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He
advised her that he was holding her personally
responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in
a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and
proceeded to rant at her about what would happen
if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was
annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce
to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up ..... so she took them home and ate them.

 

[I_FLY_LOW]

**Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,**

**'Hello?'**





**'Hi honey.**
**This is Daddy.**
**Is Mommy near the phone?'**



**'No, Daddy.**
**She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Gabe.'**


**After a brief pause,**


*Daddy says,**
**'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Gabe.'**


**'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,**
**Right now..'**


Brief Pause.

**'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**
**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**
**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy**
**That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'**


**'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'**





**A few minutes later**
**The little girl comes back to the phone.**


**'I did it, Daddy.'**



*'And what happened, honey?' **


'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.**


**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**
**And now she isn't moving at all!'**


**'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Gabe?'**





**'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too..**


**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**
**And into the swimming pool..**
**But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water**
**Last week to clean it.**



**He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'**





*****Long Pause*****



*****Longer Pause*****



*****Even Longer Pause*****



**Then Daddy says,**



**'Swimming pool? .............**



**Is this 486-5731?'*



**No, I think you have the wrong number.........*

 

[I_FLY_LOW]

BEWILDERED TEXAN

While hiking down along the border this morning, I saw a Muslim extremist fall into the Rio Grande River.
He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the guns and bombs he was carrying.
Along with him was a Mexican who was also struggling to stay afloat because of the large backpack of drugs that was strapped to his back.
If they didn't get help, they'd surely drown.
Being a responsible Texan and abiding by the law to help those in distress, I informed the El Paso County Sheriff's Office and Homeland Security.
It is now 4 PM, both have drowned, and neither authority has responded.
I'm starting to think I wasted two stamps...

 

[jdessell]

What do you tell a blond without arms or legs????????

























Nice ****!



jhahahahahhahaa, now move onnnnnnnnnn

Know what ya call a Mexican prostitute with no legs?




"Cunsuelo"

When spoken it sounds like three words.